I was on my second day of writing an essay in my head about my brother’s uncanny cleaning abilities before the realization that I’d been making a living because of my cleaning abilities for the past several years set in. Writing essays while I clean is a common activity. My “24-hour memory trick” is that I continuously repeat a paragraph in my head until I am content with the construction of it. Then, I add another paragraph and continuously repeat both. Finally, I stop repeating the first paragraph but instead add a third paragraph and repeat it with the second. This process will yield about two pages of type-written material that, for whatever reason, will reappear in my head when I wake up the next morning. If it is longer than that, I only remember bullet points and type those instead. Then the essay vanishes from my brain similar to how you remember a dream when you first wake up but forget it soon after.
This ability was useful for getting me through college, but it is frustrating to consider how smart I would be if it didn’t have a built-in lifespan. In order to preserve the information longer, I would need to continue to repeat it in my head, which seems unnecessarily tedious since I can just write it down. As it is, I can simply re-read what I’ve written and think, I don’t remember writing that! Physical activities, however, can’t be written down, and that might explain why I spent about 10 years of my life practicing drums a minimum of 6 hours a day. And that, in turn, might explain why I got really into the process of recording music for awhile, and why I often experienced a sense of surprise and excitement upon hearing my drumming on a recording and thinking, I don’t remember playing like that!
It’s really weird to discover something consistent or fundamental about one’s own personality. It’s even weirder to realize it’s clinically diagnosable.
Most people know about the condition called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, in which people obsessively repeat an activity. Lesser known is an altogether different condition known as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD, which is also called Anankastic personality disorder. (It is different than but sometimes confused with the more publicized of late Asperger syndrome.) OCPD is a genetic disorder that occurs in males more than females. The nutshell difference between OCD and OCPD is that, in the former and more familiar condition, a person mindlessly repeats a behavior they don’t find desirable, while in OCPD a person willfully adheres to a lifestyle that they consider laudable. Those with OCPD wouldn’t say that they “suffer” from it, precisely because from their point of view, others suffer from a lack of it.
One of the primary manifestations of OCPD is a preoccupation with remembering minute details which usually includes list-making. People with OCPD have what I would call a fear of losing, forgetting or overlooking details. I save my work after the completion of every single satisfactory sentence. (I just typed that sentence, hit Control-s, noticed I had left the “t” out of “sentence,” fixed it, and reached for Control-s again but decided to add this editorial first.) I’d suggest the overwhelming feature of OCPD is a profound annoyance with imprecision.
Starting a task can be intimidating because of the awareness that once you commit to doing so, you are going to fastidiously obsess over aspect of the job until it is completed. It is next to impossible not to become completely fascinated with a project or conviction. I’m sure I’m not the only one with OCPD that hates jigsaw puzzles because once one is started I can’t stop until every piece is found and put in its place. The other day I was talking to a friend about how when I see a movie I really like, I usually proceed to watch every movie that director made, and she replied, “I’ve always wanted to do that.” Hers is a completely different mentality than mine.
To prevent being overwhelmed by everything needing to be thoroughly finished, I am very good at breaking tasks into mini goals. When I reach the mini goal, I then have to muster the energy to continue with the overall task. I also have a strange habit of beginning several projects at once and then running back and forth trying to complete them all simultaneously. This is because it’s impossible to remain focused on one task without being distracted by the knowledge that there are others to be done. I’d wager OCPD is readily found amongst chefs.
Over-zealous cleanliness is actually a symptom only found in some with OCPD and is not a diagnostic criterion.
Another major symptom of OCPD is those with it are inflexible in their beliefs; in other words, dogmatic. I’m highly opinionated and value the ability of forming opinions. I can’t comprehend those you just say they “like” everything. But I’m always striving to perfect my opinions to be as accurate and precise as possible, which dogmatism doesn’t allow. In fact, I strongly believe in not being dogmatic, so go ahead and try wrapping your head around that paradox. It may be due to that quirk that, compared to most of my family, I seem to have a relatively mild case of OCPD. I do highly value integrity- being true to one’s word- which is perhaps another way of looking at the same thing. I am also incredibly punctual, loyal and stubborn. I don’t take advice on principle and can’t stand being micro-managed. I am also persistent- I don’t like last-minute changes in plans, never see the point in having or making back-up plans and will either refuse to quit or immediately quit entirely. I generally feel that my way of doing things is better than everyone else’s, unless it is a task that requires more expedience than precision, in which case I am jealous of others who can pull that off.
I love understanding and dissecting rules and I have spent countless hours researching rule nuances in various games and sports. I think one thing I appreciate most about sports is there is always, in the end, a winner and a loser. Dogmatism is commonly found in sports fans, and I am an obsessive soccer and baseball fan, but even then I don’t think my team is always superior to all others- I just want them to be. I can, however, be a bit of a grammar-Nazi (I deplore the gratuitous use of the word “Nazi,” finding it offensively trivializing, but can’t think of an appropriate substitute; striving to be as precise as possible).
Other common traits of OCPD are miserliness and hoarding tendencies. I don’t possess these nearly as much as others in my family, who tend to have refrigerators virtually empty except for old and rotten food. Then again, I can’t fathom those who don’t eat leftovers. I do have a tendency for collecting like items, but nothing trivial, which is again typical of OCPD. Incomplete, expensive or easy to obtain collections are too annoying. I’ve long wondered why everyone else doesn’t peruse every neighborhood thrift store once a week; it never occurred to me to wonder why I do. Also, I despise losing things, and could make a fairly complete list of everything I’ve ever lost. I took up disc golf a couple years ago, and it is similar to drumming in promoting an effort to control and perfect muscle mechanics with the added bonus of seeking to buy, used or on cheap on EBay, backup upon backup of discs I like in case one goes unfound after hours of searching.
People with OCPD are also often controlling, but I consider myself laissez-faire. I don’t have the energy to begin to analyze and critique every detail in somebody else’s life. I consider attempts to change others to behave like ourselves a surefire sign of insecurity. Being controlling also seems a waste of time, considering I tend to judge others on a continuum from uncommitted to lazy. I generally view most others as unreliable, and I can see how that could encourage a controlling nature in those that thought they themselves were reliable, but I’m skeptical of my own decision-making abilities. While I can be somewhat of a perfectionist, I don’t believe in perfection, and so it isn’t something I’d ever demand of anyone else.
People with OCPD tend to have few friends. In my case, I think this is because I don’t see the point of casual conversation and idle chat. And also because I generally come across as an overly-opinionated asshole. There is not much casual about me. I find the concept of relaxation befuddling. Why would anybody want to do that? I’m basically either passionate about something or ignorant of it.
Do obsessive people attract? I think they do, and I personally find my life has been filled with others with OCPD. I think it relates to the fundamental notion that people with OCPD believe their behaviors are desirable, and also because we have trouble relating to those without our convictions. Crazy like me is a good thing!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Distractions
When I was in high school, I was profoundly affected by an essay (perhaps written by Walker Percy) that explores people going to the Grand Canyon so that they can take pictures of it. Its gist is that people get so caught up in preserving a record of things they’ve done while simultaneously fitting them into their preconceived notions that they’re distracted from appreciating the moment they’re in, completely missing it in any unadulterated state. The author elucidates the ludicrousness of filtering such a vast landscape through a camera lens, especially when you’re trying to frame it to resemble the professionally photographed postcard of the same location that you can buy across the street at the gift shop for 5 cents.
Is it The Matrix where one of the characters bemoans the “tourists” who wander around their entire lives never perceiving anything as it is? I haven’t seen that movie since those insipid sequels came out and really need to re-watch it….
To me, everything about photography cameras are a frustrating distraction- from trying to figure out how to get them to work to trying to figure out how to pose to sorting through the results. A few years ago, in Portland, OR, where the citizens are mostly pathetic, attention-seeking idealists, I was watching a soapbox derby on Mt. Tabor when I was interrupted by a group asking me to take their picture. I strongly responded, “No,” and they shriveled in horror at such audacity. What’s insulting to me is they think they can just impose their inane activities on me by expecting me to remove myself from my existence to indulge theirs. If you want your picture taken, hire a bloody photographer.
Technology seems to thrive when it’s effective at enabling us to avoid interactions. Instead of cooking, we can watch cooking shows on television. Instead of having conversations, we can make pithy remarks on Facebook that are almost instantly buried under a pile of other pithy remarks. Instead of listening to the birds and rustling leaves in the park, we can listen to digitally compressed music through earbuds on our iPods. Don’t even get me started on fucking smart phones, which are turning us into a bunch of zombies, wandering around with our faces immersed in 3 inch rectangles…. To quote Yoda, “Never your mind on where you are, what you are doing.”
But the issue goes beyond technology. I used to live in Oakland, CA- working hard 40 hours a week at a print shop and playing drumming gigs on the side- where I struggled to afford basic necessities. I rented a room in a small apartment shared with a couple and their four cats (not including mine). I shopped at the discount grocery store that sold the surplus from other grocery stores, and my roommates would tease me about how many days in a row I could eat burritos, which I often made with only tortillas, refried beans and chopped habaneros because I couldn’t afford cheese. My other meals tended to be cold cereal with milk and a bagel with schmear for lunch. My weekly food budget cap was $40 but I tried to keep it at $30. Obviously, I didn’t drink at all. Alcohol is expensive.
My favorite dish is Thai curry, which I now know how to make, but didn’t back then. Just down the street from where I lived was an excellent Thai place, or so I had been told, as I’d never actually been there. For weeks, I longed to try that restaurant, and little by little I managed to save up enough money to be able to treat myself. Finally, on a weekend afternoon, with a hard-earned $20 bill in my pocket, I walked down to the Thai place, sat outside in the courtyard and ordered Thai green curry with tofu, as spicy as they could make it, and a Thai iced tea. As I awaited my food, I watched the only other person at the restaurant, also sitting alone. He was reading one of the Lord of the Rings books.
I’ve actually read the first book of that trilogy twice… and found it tedious enough both times that I never picked up the others. Basically it’s about a midget who wanders around with a powerful ring and shenanigans ensue. What I don’t like about it, besides the unrealistically patent distinctions made between good and evil, is that any competent bad guy would’ve gotten the ring from that stupid hobbit in about five minutes. I mean, about the first thing he does (in the book, it isn’t in the movie- yeah, I saw all three of those in the theater…) is hand it over to some raving lunatic!
The food arrived for the kid reading the book before mine. I watched in horror as, instead of putting the book down to enjoy his food, he continued to read as he mindlessly shoveled the food into his mouth. Perhaps because I was so looking forward to my meal, this upset me to the point of tears, and when my food arrived, I had to make a deliberate effort to forget about this distraction I had now created for myself.
I’m certainly not exempt from being distracted. But what I love most are things that demand riveted focus on the present as it continuously unfolds into the future while revealing its dependence upon past knowledge and training. This is what I loved about playing improvisational music, what I love about so many Japanese films, what I love about watching every baseball pitch and every pass of a soccer ball for 45 minutes straight as incredibly fit players reach the brink of exhaustion…, what I love about playing disc golf, where the design of the course and the discs and the choices and execution of each throw set up the next shot. There’s an Anne Lamott book called Bird by Bird in which the author describes her method for writing, which consists of allowing it to evolve word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, chapter by chapter, book by book. This, for me, is the essence of what it means to live life to its fullest.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” -Henry David Thoreau
Is it The Matrix where one of the characters bemoans the “tourists” who wander around their entire lives never perceiving anything as it is? I haven’t seen that movie since those insipid sequels came out and really need to re-watch it….
To me, everything about photography cameras are a frustrating distraction- from trying to figure out how to get them to work to trying to figure out how to pose to sorting through the results. A few years ago, in Portland, OR, where the citizens are mostly pathetic, attention-seeking idealists, I was watching a soapbox derby on Mt. Tabor when I was interrupted by a group asking me to take their picture. I strongly responded, “No,” and they shriveled in horror at such audacity. What’s insulting to me is they think they can just impose their inane activities on me by expecting me to remove myself from my existence to indulge theirs. If you want your picture taken, hire a bloody photographer.
Technology seems to thrive when it’s effective at enabling us to avoid interactions. Instead of cooking, we can watch cooking shows on television. Instead of having conversations, we can make pithy remarks on Facebook that are almost instantly buried under a pile of other pithy remarks. Instead of listening to the birds and rustling leaves in the park, we can listen to digitally compressed music through earbuds on our iPods. Don’t even get me started on fucking smart phones, which are turning us into a bunch of zombies, wandering around with our faces immersed in 3 inch rectangles…. To quote Yoda, “Never your mind on where you are, what you are doing.”
But the issue goes beyond technology. I used to live in Oakland, CA- working hard 40 hours a week at a print shop and playing drumming gigs on the side- where I struggled to afford basic necessities. I rented a room in a small apartment shared with a couple and their four cats (not including mine). I shopped at the discount grocery store that sold the surplus from other grocery stores, and my roommates would tease me about how many days in a row I could eat burritos, which I often made with only tortillas, refried beans and chopped habaneros because I couldn’t afford cheese. My other meals tended to be cold cereal with milk and a bagel with schmear for lunch. My weekly food budget cap was $40 but I tried to keep it at $30. Obviously, I didn’t drink at all. Alcohol is expensive.
My favorite dish is Thai curry, which I now know how to make, but didn’t back then. Just down the street from where I lived was an excellent Thai place, or so I had been told, as I’d never actually been there. For weeks, I longed to try that restaurant, and little by little I managed to save up enough money to be able to treat myself. Finally, on a weekend afternoon, with a hard-earned $20 bill in my pocket, I walked down to the Thai place, sat outside in the courtyard and ordered Thai green curry with tofu, as spicy as they could make it, and a Thai iced tea. As I awaited my food, I watched the only other person at the restaurant, also sitting alone. He was reading one of the Lord of the Rings books.
I’ve actually read the first book of that trilogy twice… and found it tedious enough both times that I never picked up the others. Basically it’s about a midget who wanders around with a powerful ring and shenanigans ensue. What I don’t like about it, besides the unrealistically patent distinctions made between good and evil, is that any competent bad guy would’ve gotten the ring from that stupid hobbit in about five minutes. I mean, about the first thing he does (in the book, it isn’t in the movie- yeah, I saw all three of those in the theater…) is hand it over to some raving lunatic!
The food arrived for the kid reading the book before mine. I watched in horror as, instead of putting the book down to enjoy his food, he continued to read as he mindlessly shoveled the food into his mouth. Perhaps because I was so looking forward to my meal, this upset me to the point of tears, and when my food arrived, I had to make a deliberate effort to forget about this distraction I had now created for myself.
I’m certainly not exempt from being distracted. But what I love most are things that demand riveted focus on the present as it continuously unfolds into the future while revealing its dependence upon past knowledge and training. This is what I loved about playing improvisational music, what I love about so many Japanese films, what I love about watching every baseball pitch and every pass of a soccer ball for 45 minutes straight as incredibly fit players reach the brink of exhaustion…, what I love about playing disc golf, where the design of the course and the discs and the choices and execution of each throw set up the next shot. There’s an Anne Lamott book called Bird by Bird in which the author describes her method for writing, which consists of allowing it to evolve word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, chapter by chapter, book by book. This, for me, is the essence of what it means to live life to its fullest.
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” -Henry David Thoreau
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Baseball Broadcaster Jargon
(A collection of goofy stuff baseball broadcasters say, with some technical baseball terms mixed in, not including most of the endless ways of colorfully stating, "home run.")
Across the body backhand ole: Quick backhand catch on line drive
Around the horn: Defense throwing ball from third base to second base to first base; often resulting in a 6-4-3 double-play
Airmail: Errant throw over everybody’s head
American Legion Play: Pitcher bluffs to third then looks to first: also called double-bluff
Annie Oakley: A walk (base on balls); also called a free pass
Around the horn: 6-4-3 double play
Around the world in 80 days: Slow runner circling the bases
Backup slider: Slider that doesn’t break; also called cement mixer
Backward K: Strikeout looking
Band Box: Small baseball park
Bags drunk: Bases loaded
Basket catch: Underhand catch with glove close to body about belt high
Batter's eye: Neutral backdrop beyond centerfield intended to prevent the hitter from losing the ball due to background clutter.
Battery: Pitcher and catcher
Bench jockey: Someone in the dugout effectively annoying the opposing team or umpires
Bettina Bunge backhand: Check-swing hit on low, outside pitch; a type of excuse-me swing
Bible thumper: Batter that swings at nearly everything
Big League Hang With ‘Em: Well hit ball but makes an out
(On the) Bingo Card: Batter that’s hitting less than .100 (intended to be polite)
Bloop(er): Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a Texas Leaguer or dying quail
Bloop and a blast: Bloop hit followed by a teammate hitting a home run.
Blue: Umpire
Boot: Error
Bucket: Horrible swing
Bugs Bunny change-up: A change-up so good it seems to stop on the way to home plate
Bump: Pitcher’s mound
Bunching (the outfield): Defense positions away from both foul lines toward center of field
Business Partner: Bat
Butcher Boy: Fake bunt, then swing
Cabbage: Player who’s out is inevitable; dead meat
Can of corn: Routine fly ball; also called room service
Camp Snoopy- The DL (disabled list)
Cannon: Strong throwing arm
Carve the turkey: Pitcher hitting all his locations
Catbird seat: Batter with pitch count/situation in his favor
Cement mixer: Slider that doesn’t break; also called backup slider
Check-swing: Swing that batter attempts to recant
Cheddar: Fast fastball
Cherry Picking: Hitting a fastball in a fastball count
Chin music: Very high, inside pitch
Clean Up: Forth hitter in batting order
Climbing the ladder: Pitching fastballs progressively higher in zone; also called Raising the ladder
Come-backer: Ball hit directly at pitcher
Commando: No batting gloves
Crooked number: Scoring more than one run in an inning
Daisy-cutter: Low line drive
Dead red: Hitter always looks fastball
Dog robber: Umpire (derogatory)
Double-bluff: Pitcher bluffs to third then looks to first: also called American Legion Play
Double-clutch: Hesitate before throwing ball
Double-switch: Two players enter game simultaneously so as to swap positions in batter order
Drag Bunt: Left-hander bunts ball past pitcher and out of reach of first baseman; see also push bunt
Drag Through Garden: An at bat with each pitch different and effective
Duck snort: Poorly hit ball that falls for hit
Dying quail: Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a Texas Leaguer or blooper
E 10: Spectator drops foul ball (E means error)
Earnie: Earned run
Elephant ear: Back pocket hanging inside-out
Excuse-me swing: Check-swing that makes contact with ball
Five hole: Between catcher’s legs (also fifth in batting order)
Five point five (5.5) hole: Area between third and short, coined by Tony Gwynn
Five tool player: Player that can hit for average, hit for power, run, throw and field his position well
Forced error: Baserunner causes distraction which leads to defensive error
Free pass: A walk (base on balls); also called an Annie Oakley
Four bagger: Home run
Gaylord Perry puff-ball: Put a ton of rosin on hand before throwing fastball
Generic signs: For bunt touch belt, for steal touch skin, for hit&run touch hat, for take hold up a finger
Get away day: Last day of a series between two teams; often a day game.
Go oppo: (Short for go opposite way) hit toward weak-side field; antonym of “pull”
Golden Sombrero: Strike out 4 times in a game; also called Silver Sombrero
Grab some pine, meat!: Go sit down on the bench (after that failed attempt), ambitious batter!; presumably coined by Mike Krukow
Grand salami: Grand slam
Handcuffed: Pitch causes batter to draw hands into body so can’t swing
Hanger: Breaking ball high in zone
Hat Trick: Strike out 3 times in a game
(Bringing the) Heat: Pitcher throwing fast
Hitch: A jerky motion during swing
Hitch in the giddy-up: A jerky motion in running stride
Immaculate inning: Inning in which pitcher strikes out three batters on nine total pitches
In The Hole: 2 batters away from current batter; after hitter on deck. Also phrased as in the hold
Inside-out: Knob of bat precedes barrel
(On the) Interstate: Batting in the .100’s
Jam: Pitch in on hands
Keyhole: Looking for one pitch in one location
Kitchen: Middle inside on a hitter
Knock: A hit
Lawrence Welk Double-Play: 1-2-3 (pitcher to catcher to first baseman)
LOOGY: Lefty one out guy; left-handed pitching specialist
Low bridge: Duck under ball
Lumber pile: Reserve bats
Mendoza line: Batting average right at .200
Mr. Spalding: Baseball
Never gets cheated: Always swings hard
Nickel slider: A slider with a loose spin so that the red seams form a nickel-sized circle in the ball from the batter's perspective
No dot slider: A slider without the tight spin forming a red dot in the middle of the ball from the batter's perspective
Nose to toes: Bad ball hitter
Nubber: Ball hit off end of bat; also called squib
Olympic rings: Batter that strikes out five times in a game; also called Platinum Visor
On Deck: Hitter after current batter
Off the fists: An inside pitch requiring arm strength to hit strongly
Ownage: Batter with good career stats vs a specific pitcher or vice versa
Pay-off: Pitch on a 3-2 count
Platinum Visor: Batter that strikes out five times in a game; also called Olympic rings
Peeling black/paint: Pitching right on the corners
(Play) Pepper: Stick bat out and let ball bounce off it
Perfect game: Game in which team allows no runners on base
Picked off: Runner thrown out while on base
Pie Thrower: Weak throwing arm
Pillow: Base bag
Pink hat: Bandwagon or fair-weather fan
Poached egg: Gently laid bunt
Pop-up dance: Fielder struggling to catch high fly ball in wind currents
Pow wow: Meeting at mound of coach and players
Pitcher’s best friend: Double-play
Punch and Judy: Weak but successful hit
Push Bunt: Right-hander bunts ball past pitcher and out of reach of first baseman; see also drag bunt
Rabbit ears: Umpire (or pitcher) who seems to hear everything said in dugout (or stands) and quickly takes exception (or gets unnerved)
Railroad: Baserunner plows into fielder at bag
Ribbie: Run batted in (RBI)
Rock Pile: A long meeting at the mound involving most of the players
(In the) Rocking Chair: Pitches alternatively being thrown inside and outside effectively
Rollover: Wrists rotate over top of bat on swing
Room service: Routine fly ball; also called can of corn
Round tripper: Home run
Rubber match: The final game of a three game series that will determine which team will win two of three
Rubberneck: Hitter looks at ump, surprised to hear called strike
Safety Squeeze: Runner breaks for home after ball is bunted
Salad: An easy to hit pitch
Scratch hit: Weekly hit ground ball base hit
Seed: Line-drive
Seeing-eye ball: Hit that finds the smallest of holes through the infield
Senior Circuit: National League
Set the Table: Get on base early in inning
(Getting) Shelled: Pitcher giving up a lot of hits
The Show: The Major Leagues; often expressed, “Welcome to The Show,” towards a rookie
Show-me pitch: A pitch thrown for a ball solely intended to set-up the next pitch
Signature call: Catch-phrase used by a certain broadcaster to celebrate a home run
Snow cone: A catch where half the ball is sticking out top of glove
Sparkplug: One player that motivates entire team
Squeeze: Bunt in attempt to score runner from third
(Getting) Squeezed: Umpire enforcing a small strike zone
Squib: Ball hit off end of bat; also called nubber
Stanza: Inning
Start the merry-go-round: Bases loaded & everybody will be running on contact (full count with 2 outs)
Station to station: Moving around the bases one at a time
Stepping in the bucket: Open batting stance
Straight-away: Normal defense
Strike-out the side: Get all three outs in a half-inning via strike-outs.
Suicide Squeeze: Runner breaks for home on pitch while batter bunts
Tater: Home run
Tenth man: Audience
Texas Leaguer: Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a blooper or dying quail
Texas Swing: A swinging bunt or long check swing
Three Hole: Third batter in batting order
Through the box: Hit back up the middle
Tomahawk: Desperate swing at high pitch
Tools of ignorance: Catcher’s gear
Ugly finder: Ball hit into dugout (and destined to hit someone ugly)
Uncle Charlie: Curve ball
Unintentional Intentional: Instead of intentional walk, throwing all balls and avoiding the strike zone
Waiting for express and caught the local: Batter strikes out looking, expecting fastball but gets something off-speed
Walk-off: Hit that results in game-ending win
Went fishing: Chased an outside pitch
Wheel Play: Shortstop covers third on pitch while third baseman defends against bunt
Wheelhouse: Natural bat path
Whirlie: Home run (reference to ump’s hand signal)
Window shopping: Batter strikes out looking
Across the body backhand ole: Quick backhand catch on line drive
Around the horn: Defense throwing ball from third base to second base to first base; often resulting in a 6-4-3 double-play
Airmail: Errant throw over everybody’s head
American Legion Play: Pitcher bluffs to third then looks to first: also called double-bluff
Annie Oakley: A walk (base on balls); also called a free pass
Around the horn: 6-4-3 double play
Around the world in 80 days: Slow runner circling the bases
Backup slider: Slider that doesn’t break; also called cement mixer
Backward K: Strikeout looking
Band Box: Small baseball park
Bags drunk: Bases loaded
Basket catch: Underhand catch with glove close to body about belt high
Batter's eye: Neutral backdrop beyond centerfield intended to prevent the hitter from losing the ball due to background clutter.
Battery: Pitcher and catcher
Bench jockey: Someone in the dugout effectively annoying the opposing team or umpires
Bettina Bunge backhand: Check-swing hit on low, outside pitch; a type of excuse-me swing
Bible thumper: Batter that swings at nearly everything
Big League Hang With ‘Em: Well hit ball but makes an out
(On the) Bingo Card: Batter that’s hitting less than .100 (intended to be polite)
Bloop(er): Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a Texas Leaguer or dying quail
Bloop and a blast: Bloop hit followed by a teammate hitting a home run.
Blue: Umpire
Boot: Error
Bucket: Horrible swing
Bugs Bunny change-up: A change-up so good it seems to stop on the way to home plate
Bump: Pitcher’s mound
Bunching (the outfield): Defense positions away from both foul lines toward center of field
Business Partner: Bat
Butcher Boy: Fake bunt, then swing
Cabbage: Player who’s out is inevitable; dead meat
Can of corn: Routine fly ball; also called room service
Camp Snoopy- The DL (disabled list)
Cannon: Strong throwing arm
Carve the turkey: Pitcher hitting all his locations
Catbird seat: Batter with pitch count/situation in his favor
Cement mixer: Slider that doesn’t break; also called backup slider
Check-swing: Swing that batter attempts to recant
Cheddar: Fast fastball
Cherry Picking: Hitting a fastball in a fastball count
Chin music: Very high, inside pitch
Clean Up: Forth hitter in batting order
Climbing the ladder: Pitching fastballs progressively higher in zone; also called Raising the ladder
Come-backer: Ball hit directly at pitcher
Commando: No batting gloves
Crooked number: Scoring more than one run in an inning
Daisy-cutter: Low line drive
Dead red: Hitter always looks fastball
Dog robber: Umpire (derogatory)
Double-bluff: Pitcher bluffs to third then looks to first: also called American Legion Play
Double-clutch: Hesitate before throwing ball
Double-switch: Two players enter game simultaneously so as to swap positions in batter order
Drag Bunt: Left-hander bunts ball past pitcher and out of reach of first baseman; see also push bunt
Drag Through Garden: An at bat with each pitch different and effective
Duck snort: Poorly hit ball that falls for hit
Dying quail: Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a Texas Leaguer or blooper
E 10: Spectator drops foul ball (E means error)
Earnie: Earned run
Elephant ear: Back pocket hanging inside-out
Excuse-me swing: Check-swing that makes contact with ball
Five hole: Between catcher’s legs (also fifth in batting order)
Five point five (5.5) hole: Area between third and short, coined by Tony Gwynn
Five tool player: Player that can hit for average, hit for power, run, throw and field his position well
Forced error: Baserunner causes distraction which leads to defensive error
Free pass: A walk (base on balls); also called an Annie Oakley
Four bagger: Home run
Gaylord Perry puff-ball: Put a ton of rosin on hand before throwing fastball
Generic signs: For bunt touch belt, for steal touch skin, for hit&run touch hat, for take hold up a finger
Get away day: Last day of a series between two teams; often a day game.
Go oppo: (Short for go opposite way) hit toward weak-side field; antonym of “pull”
Golden Sombrero: Strike out 4 times in a game; also called Silver Sombrero
Grab some pine, meat!: Go sit down on the bench (after that failed attempt), ambitious batter!; presumably coined by Mike Krukow
Grand salami: Grand slam
Handcuffed: Pitch causes batter to draw hands into body so can’t swing
Hanger: Breaking ball high in zone
Hat Trick: Strike out 3 times in a game
(Bringing the) Heat: Pitcher throwing fast
Hitch: A jerky motion during swing
Hitch in the giddy-up: A jerky motion in running stride
Immaculate inning: Inning in which pitcher strikes out three batters on nine total pitches
In The Hole: 2 batters away from current batter; after hitter on deck. Also phrased as in the hold
Inside-out: Knob of bat precedes barrel
(On the) Interstate: Batting in the .100’s
Jam: Pitch in on hands
Keyhole: Looking for one pitch in one location
Kitchen: Middle inside on a hitter
Knock: A hit
Lawrence Welk Double-Play: 1-2-3 (pitcher to catcher to first baseman)
LOOGY: Lefty one out guy; left-handed pitching specialist
Low bridge: Duck under ball
Lumber pile: Reserve bats
Mendoza line: Batting average right at .200
Mr. Spalding: Baseball
Never gets cheated: Always swings hard
Nickel slider: A slider with a loose spin so that the red seams form a nickel-sized circle in the ball from the batter's perspective
No dot slider: A slider without the tight spin forming a red dot in the middle of the ball from the batter's perspective
Nose to toes: Bad ball hitter
Nubber: Ball hit off end of bat; also called squib
Olympic rings: Batter that strikes out five times in a game; also called Platinum Visor
On Deck: Hitter after current batter
Off the fists: An inside pitch requiring arm strength to hit strongly
Ownage: Batter with good career stats vs a specific pitcher or vice versa
Pay-off: Pitch on a 3-2 count
Platinum Visor: Batter that strikes out five times in a game; also called Olympic rings
Peeling black/paint: Pitching right on the corners
(Play) Pepper: Stick bat out and let ball bounce off it
Perfect game: Game in which team allows no runners on base
Picked off: Runner thrown out while on base
Pie Thrower: Weak throwing arm
Pillow: Base bag
Pink hat: Bandwagon or fair-weather fan
Poached egg: Gently laid bunt
Pop-up dance: Fielder struggling to catch high fly ball in wind currents
Pow wow: Meeting at mound of coach and players
Pitcher’s best friend: Double-play
Punch and Judy: Weak but successful hit
Push Bunt: Right-hander bunts ball past pitcher and out of reach of first baseman; see also drag bunt
Rabbit ears: Umpire (or pitcher) who seems to hear everything said in dugout (or stands) and quickly takes exception (or gets unnerved)
Railroad: Baserunner plows into fielder at bag
Ribbie: Run batted in (RBI)
Rock Pile: A long meeting at the mound involving most of the players
(In the) Rocking Chair: Pitches alternatively being thrown inside and outside effectively
Rollover: Wrists rotate over top of bat on swing
Room service: Routine fly ball; also called can of corn
Round tripper: Home run
Rubber match: The final game of a three game series that will determine which team will win two of three
Rubberneck: Hitter looks at ump, surprised to hear called strike
Safety Squeeze: Runner breaks for home after ball is bunted
Salad: An easy to hit pitch
Scratch hit: Weekly hit ground ball base hit
Seed: Line-drive
Seeing-eye ball: Hit that finds the smallest of holes through the infield
Senior Circuit: National League
Set the Table: Get on base early in inning
(Getting) Shelled: Pitcher giving up a lot of hits
The Show: The Major Leagues; often expressed, “Welcome to The Show,” towards a rookie
Show-me pitch: A pitch thrown for a ball solely intended to set-up the next pitch
Signature call: Catch-phrase used by a certain broadcaster to celebrate a home run
Snow cone: A catch where half the ball is sticking out top of glove
Sparkplug: One player that motivates entire team
Squeeze: Bunt in attempt to score runner from third
(Getting) Squeezed: Umpire enforcing a small strike zone
Squib: Ball hit off end of bat; also called nubber
Stanza: Inning
Start the merry-go-round: Bases loaded & everybody will be running on contact (full count with 2 outs)
Station to station: Moving around the bases one at a time
Stepping in the bucket: Open batting stance
Straight-away: Normal defense
Strike-out the side: Get all three outs in a half-inning via strike-outs.
Suicide Squeeze: Runner breaks for home on pitch while batter bunts
Tater: Home run
Tenth man: Audience
Texas Leaguer: Ball that falls between infield and outfield; also called a blooper or dying quail
Texas Swing: A swinging bunt or long check swing
Three Hole: Third batter in batting order
Through the box: Hit back up the middle
Tomahawk: Desperate swing at high pitch
Tools of ignorance: Catcher’s gear
Ugly finder: Ball hit into dugout (and destined to hit someone ugly)
Uncle Charlie: Curve ball
Unintentional Intentional: Instead of intentional walk, throwing all balls and avoiding the strike zone
Waiting for express and caught the local: Batter strikes out looking, expecting fastball but gets something off-speed
Walk-off: Hit that results in game-ending win
Went fishing: Chased an outside pitch
Wheel Play: Shortstop covers third on pitch while third baseman defends against bunt
Wheelhouse: Natural bat path
Whirlie: Home run (reference to ump’s hand signal)
Window shopping: Batter strikes out looking
Monday, August 20, 2012
Soccer Confusions
Association football, or soccer as it’s called in America, has very few rules (formally known as laws) necessary to understand for comprehensive viewing, but because most of these are singular to the sport in question, and because the continuous action makes a thorough explanation difficult, those only familiar with the rules of other sports frequently find soccer unappealing. Adding to the confusion is the fact that it is not uncommon for American sport commentators to unapologetically misuse soccer jargon and for popular information sources such as Wikipedia to have errors. I find it especially irritating when commentators actually criticize referees for enforcing the rules (with statements such as, “I NEVER see that called!”), but the worst are those with no appreciation for the integrity of the game suggesting the rules be changed. My aim here is to help clarify common definitional misunderstandings by highlighting the key aspects of terms for those relatively ignorant of the sport. This is not intended to be a thorough explanation of the rules; for more information visit the laws of the game at FIFA.com. (I have indicated the law number best related to each paragraph in brackets.)
PITCH: The soccer field is properly called a pitch, and while the exact dimensions can vary, it is minimally slightly larger than an American Football field. All lines on the pitch are 5 inches thick. It is divided into two halves, with each half said to belong to a team. The lines bordering the sides of the pitch are the touch lines and the lines bordering the ends are goal lines [Law 1]
SIDE: Each team is called a side. Each side starts a game, or match, with 11 players, one of them designated as the goalkeeper. A simultaneous combination of zone and man-to-man defense is used, and there are no restrictions on where any player can be on the pitch. Most of the zone positions have fairly self-explanatory names, but it seems worthwhile to detail that the player who tends to play deepest into the opponent’s half is called the center forward (cf) or number nine, while an aggressive attacking player who plays a bit deeper than a cf in order to utilize space and angles to drive towards the goal is called a striker or number ten. (Although the striker frequently wears the number ten, it is not a literal reference to a jersey number.) [Law 3]
GOAL: (1) The goal is an area 8 feet high, 8 yards (24 feet) wide and 5 inches thick centered on each end of the pitch. Each side protects their own goal and attempts to score on their opponent’s goal. (The net behind the goal has no purpose other than to make it easier to determine whether a goal has been scored.) [Law 1]
GOAL: (2) A goal scored is a ball in play that COMPLETELY crosses through a goal. The entire ball must be past the 5 inch thickness of the line and posts. No goal can be scored directly from an indirect free kick or throw-in, and a goal cannot be (accidentally) scored through one’s own goal directly from a goal kick, direct free kick, corner kick or penalty kick. [Law 10]
OUT OF BOUNDS: A ball that completely crosses the border of the pitch at any height, other than one that scores a goal, is immediately considered out of bounds and therefore out of play. Possession of the ball is given to the team opposite that of the player who last touched the ball before it went out of bounds. A ball which crosses a touch line is returned to play with a throw-in; which must be two-handed, from behind the head and with both feet on the ground. A ball touched past the opponent’s goal line results in a goal kick, and a ball touched past one’s own goal line results in a corner kick. An active player is never considered out of bounds (see MISCONDUCT). [Law 9, 15-17]
GOAL AREA: Also called the 6 yard box, the goal area is the smaller of the two rectangular areas in front of each goal that primarily functions to demark the area from which a goal kick can be taken. The only other use of the goal area is to limit the location from which indirect free kicks and dropped balls can commence (see INDIRECT FREE KICK and DROPPED BALL). [Law 1]
CHALLENGE: A challenge refers to two players simultaneously going after the ball. It is important to understand that every action of a soccer player (properly called a footballer) MUST be with the intention of playing the ball; either attempting to contact it or getting in position to do so. All contact with an opposing player must be incidental. This means no shoving, kicking, tripping, jumping at (especially with both feet), jumping on, grabbing, charging or even spitting at an opponent, unless these things happen unavoidably and not recklessly in the course of attempting to contact the ball. Also, if an opponent is between a player and a ball, that player cannot contact the opponent enroute to the ball. Any contact with an opponent that a referee judges to be intentional, avoidable or reckless is considered an illegal challenge. [Law 12]
It is equally important to understand that no footballer in the history of the game has ever fully followed this rule forbidding intentional contact with an opponent. Therefore, “heavy challenge” is often used as a euphemism implying that somebody is trying to take someone else out. A “cynical challenge” is a challenge that displays obvious disregard for the rules. No penalty is awarded when the referee find both players equally guilty of not playing the ball.
HAND BALL: While playing the ball, a player cannot intentionally contact it with any part of his hand or arm (from shoulder to fingertips) except by the goalkeeper while within his own penalty area (see PENALTY AREA). Hand ball is actually short for handling the ball. Unavoidable contact with the hand or arm or attempting to avoid such contact is not an infraction. All legal contact with a ball is called a touch. [Law 12]
Even within the penalty area, the goalkeeper can only handle the ball for no more than six seconds, and not after he deliberately releases it or after it is kicked or thrown in to them by a teammate. These infractions are not considered hand balls, however. [Law 12]
OBSTRUCTION: A player not going for a ball cannot get in the way of an opponent’s route to the ball, even if no contact with that opponent is made. However, this does not entitle that opponent to make contact with the player obstructing his route (as contact always trumps obstruction). [Law 12]
DANGEROUS PLAY: A player cannot do anything which could potentially injure an opponent, even if it is incidental and no actual contact is made. Dangerous play includes pointing shoe cleats toward an opponent and kicking near their head, always without making contact. [Law 12]
TACKLE: A tackle refers to dispossessing an opponent of the ball or intercepting a ball on the way to an opponent. This term is used almost exclusively in reference to a slide tackle, in which a tackle is made while sliding feet first. (A tackle can also refer to knocking down an opponent, but that is a homonym and, as such, a distinctly separate definition.) In order for a slide tackle to not be considered an illegal challenge or dangerous play, no contact can be made unless only one foot is forward and remains forward with the cleats facing the ground, while the other foot remains bent back and away from the opponent. (Sliding with both feet forward is called a two-legged tackle, bending a leg and tripping while slide tackling is called hooking and ensnaring an opponent between both legs is a highly punishable infraction called scissoring.) A successful tackle, in other words, winning the ball, is often considered evidence of a legal challenge as long as contact with the ball is made before contact with the opponent. [Law 12]
OFFSIDE: When on the opposing team’s half of the pitch, except any restart following an out of bounds (throw-in, goal kick or corner kick), a player without possession of the ball and ahead of it is ineligible to interfere with play or make an attempt at playing the ball, if at a teammate’s last touch there are not at least two defenders as near or nearer to their goal line (not necessarily between that player and the goal) than that player. This includes every part of his body except arms and hands. Such a player is considered offside and continues to be offside until the ball is touched by an onside teammate while he is not offside or the other team gains possession of the ball. (An offside player remains offside if, for example, a ball is deflected off the goalkeeper or a goal post.) It is NOT a penalty to passively be in an offside position, nor does it matter if a ball is received in an offside position as long as that player was onside when the teammate made last contact, but this requires the receiving player to successfully time his run. Please note that it is NOT “offsides.” The antonym of offside is colloquially referred to as onside. (Offside has nothing to do with the location of the ball relative to the player already controlling it.) [Law 11]
OFFSIDE TRAP: It is common strategy for a defensive player or players to move further away from their goal line just before a ball is to be passed so that potential recipients suddenly become offside. The second to last defender is the lynchpin in defining the imaginary line demarking offside. It is obviously beneficial but also more challenging to have several players in defensive positions holding this back line and synchronizing the offside trap. An offense unable to counter this tactic and beat the offside trap becomes forced to rely on a player’s dribbling skills to maneuver the ball through the line without passing or score a goal from behind the line. A defense competent and confident in holding the line will prefer to push it forward, moving further from their goal. [Law 11]
ADVANTAGE: When a foul is spotted, the referee can chose to allow play to continue briefly in order to determine whether it is preferable for the fouled team to continue play or impose a penalty. The referee signals the fouled team that he has seen the foul but to play the advantage by gesturing both arms forward. After play has been given a few seconds to develop, the referee must make a permanent decision whether to let play continue, allowing the advantage, or stop play and impose the proper penalty. [Law 5]
PENALTY AREA: Also known as the 18 yard box, the penalty area is the larger of the two rectangles drawn in front of each goal. Besides restricting the handling of the ball by the goalkeeper (see HAND BALL), if a player commits an illegal challenge or hand ball within his own penalty area while the ball is in play, the other team can be awarded a penalty kick. [Law 1]
PENALTY KICK: Any one player gets a chance to kick the ball one time from a spot 12 yards in front of the opposing goal, with only the goalkeeper defending it. The goalkeeper must remain on the goal line until the kick, and the kicker cannot break stride. The other players must remain behind the penalty area and outside of the half circle above it (called the “D”) until the kick is made, after which normal play immediately resumes. [Law 14]
DIRECT FREE KICK: For an illegal challenge or hand ball outside of a team’s own penalty area, a referee can stop play and award the fouled team a kick of a stationary ball from the location of the foul (NOT the location of the ball at the time of the foul). The opposing team must remain 10 yards from the ball until it is kicked. [Law 13]
INDIRECT FREE KICK: For offside, dangerous play, obstruction, preventing the goalkeeper from releasing the ball, illegal handling of the ball by a goalkeeper other than a hand ball or if play is stopped to issue any card (see YELLOW CARD and RED CARD), a referee can award the fouled team a kick of a stationary ball from the location of the foul, unless that foul occurs inside a team’s own goal area, in which case it is placed on the line of the goal area nearest the location of the foul. An indirect free kick is similar to a direct free kick, with the exception that after the first kick of the stationary ball, another teammate must also touch the ball before a goal can be scored. A foul penalized by an indirect free kick is never entitled to a penalty kick. [Law 13]
MISCONDUCT: Briefly, misconduct is dissent, delay of game, not allowing the proper distance on a free kick or corner kick or entering or outright leaving the pitch without permission. [Law 12]
YELLOW CARD: Any foul that a referee deems as intentional (and not simply a result of a poor decision or technique) OR misconduct is penalized by giving the guilty player a booking or caution, which is done by literally showing them a yellow card. Play is often not stopped in order to issue a yellow card, but is instead done so at the next available opportunity. Because, by definition, a hand ball is always intentional, in order for it to be penalized with a yellow card, it must be in an attempt to score a goal or unquestionably intentional, which is a slightly higher standard. [Law 12]
RED CARD: If any foul is considered dangerous with solid contact (properly called serious foul play but often mistakenly called dangerous play), violent, vulgar, interferes with an obvious goal scoring opportunity or receives a second yellow card, he is shown a red card and expelled from the game, or sent off. That team must play out the remainder of the match with one less player. [Law 12]
DROPPED BALL: A dropped ball restarts play on the rare occasion when the referee deems it necessary to stop play without assessing a penalty. These reasons include an injury requiring immediate medical attention, the ball goes flat, two balls are in play, something dangerous gets thrown on the pitch, a fan decides to join the game, etc. After these instances, the referee simply drops the ball where it was located when play was stopped and immediately becomes live for any player after it touches the ground, except if the ball was inside the goal area, in which case it is dropped on the goal area line nearest its last location. [Law 8]
The referee should not stop play simply because a player is injured, but a player from the opposing team will sometimes put the ball out of bounds to stop play, allowing an injured player to be attended to, as a courtesy. It is an expected display of good sportsmanship to give a ball back to a team that was in possession whenever play is stopped for an injured player on the opposing team.
SUBSTITUTION: In an official soccer match, each team is allowed to substitute only three players (with only seven potential subs) in total. A substituted player cannot return to play. In an exhibitionary match, called a friendly, the number of substitutions allowed can be whatever the two sides agree upon before the match, with the norm being six. Additional substitutions are not allowed for any reason, including injury. [Law 3]
STOPPAGES: The sport of soccer is intended to be a test of endurance, and so every effort is made to keep the players in constant activity (and is precisely why substitutions are limited). During a match, the time-of-play clock can only be stopped and restarted by the head referee, and, in order to avoid argument or confusion, these stoppages are recorded only by that referee. The stoppages are not intended to be a secret, and happen when a ball goes out of bounds, a goal is scored, a penalty kick or any free kick is given or on rare occasions when the referee deems it necessary to stop play (see DROPPED BALL). Substitutions are only allowed during one of these other stoppages, and only at the referee’s discretion, and so play is never stopped solely to allow a substitution. It is not uncommon for the referee and players to do such a good job of keeping the ball in play that there are only a few seconds worth of total stoppages. [Law 5]
STOPPAGE TIME : All stoppages are added onto the end of every half, and play continues in what is called stoppage time, extra time, injury time or penalty time. The head referee indicates the length of stoppage time, rounded down to the nearest minute (so, for example, 2 minutes of stoppage time indicates at least 2 minutes). (If asked, a referee will tell a player the rounded amount of stoppage time that has been accumulated even before stoppage time begins.) An exact time cannot be given, because stoppages can happen during stoppage time. Also, play does not stop while one team has an obvious advantage. [Law 7]
PITCH: The soccer field is properly called a pitch, and while the exact dimensions can vary, it is minimally slightly larger than an American Football field. All lines on the pitch are 5 inches thick. It is divided into two halves, with each half said to belong to a team. The lines bordering the sides of the pitch are the touch lines and the lines bordering the ends are goal lines [Law 1]
SIDE: Each team is called a side. Each side starts a game, or match, with 11 players, one of them designated as the goalkeeper. A simultaneous combination of zone and man-to-man defense is used, and there are no restrictions on where any player can be on the pitch. Most of the zone positions have fairly self-explanatory names, but it seems worthwhile to detail that the player who tends to play deepest into the opponent’s half is called the center forward (cf) or number nine, while an aggressive attacking player who plays a bit deeper than a cf in order to utilize space and angles to drive towards the goal is called a striker or number ten. (Although the striker frequently wears the number ten, it is not a literal reference to a jersey number.) [Law 3]
GOAL: (1) The goal is an area 8 feet high, 8 yards (24 feet) wide and 5 inches thick centered on each end of the pitch. Each side protects their own goal and attempts to score on their opponent’s goal. (The net behind the goal has no purpose other than to make it easier to determine whether a goal has been scored.) [Law 1]
GOAL: (2) A goal scored is a ball in play that COMPLETELY crosses through a goal. The entire ball must be past the 5 inch thickness of the line and posts. No goal can be scored directly from an indirect free kick or throw-in, and a goal cannot be (accidentally) scored through one’s own goal directly from a goal kick, direct free kick, corner kick or penalty kick. [Law 10]
OUT OF BOUNDS: A ball that completely crosses the border of the pitch at any height, other than one that scores a goal, is immediately considered out of bounds and therefore out of play. Possession of the ball is given to the team opposite that of the player who last touched the ball before it went out of bounds. A ball which crosses a touch line is returned to play with a throw-in; which must be two-handed, from behind the head and with both feet on the ground. A ball touched past the opponent’s goal line results in a goal kick, and a ball touched past one’s own goal line results in a corner kick. An active player is never considered out of bounds (see MISCONDUCT). [Law 9, 15-17]
GOAL AREA: Also called the 6 yard box, the goal area is the smaller of the two rectangular areas in front of each goal that primarily functions to demark the area from which a goal kick can be taken. The only other use of the goal area is to limit the location from which indirect free kicks and dropped balls can commence (see INDIRECT FREE KICK and DROPPED BALL). [Law 1]
CHALLENGE: A challenge refers to two players simultaneously going after the ball. It is important to understand that every action of a soccer player (properly called a footballer) MUST be with the intention of playing the ball; either attempting to contact it or getting in position to do so. All contact with an opposing player must be incidental. This means no shoving, kicking, tripping, jumping at (especially with both feet), jumping on, grabbing, charging or even spitting at an opponent, unless these things happen unavoidably and not recklessly in the course of attempting to contact the ball. Also, if an opponent is between a player and a ball, that player cannot contact the opponent enroute to the ball. Any contact with an opponent that a referee judges to be intentional, avoidable or reckless is considered an illegal challenge. [Law 12]
It is equally important to understand that no footballer in the history of the game has ever fully followed this rule forbidding intentional contact with an opponent. Therefore, “heavy challenge” is often used as a euphemism implying that somebody is trying to take someone else out. A “cynical challenge” is a challenge that displays obvious disregard for the rules. No penalty is awarded when the referee find both players equally guilty of not playing the ball.
HAND BALL: While playing the ball, a player cannot intentionally contact it with any part of his hand or arm (from shoulder to fingertips) except by the goalkeeper while within his own penalty area (see PENALTY AREA). Hand ball is actually short for handling the ball. Unavoidable contact with the hand or arm or attempting to avoid such contact is not an infraction. All legal contact with a ball is called a touch. [Law 12]
Even within the penalty area, the goalkeeper can only handle the ball for no more than six seconds, and not after he deliberately releases it or after it is kicked or thrown in to them by a teammate. These infractions are not considered hand balls, however. [Law 12]
OBSTRUCTION: A player not going for a ball cannot get in the way of an opponent’s route to the ball, even if no contact with that opponent is made. However, this does not entitle that opponent to make contact with the player obstructing his route (as contact always trumps obstruction). [Law 12]
DANGEROUS PLAY: A player cannot do anything which could potentially injure an opponent, even if it is incidental and no actual contact is made. Dangerous play includes pointing shoe cleats toward an opponent and kicking near their head, always without making contact. [Law 12]
TACKLE: A tackle refers to dispossessing an opponent of the ball or intercepting a ball on the way to an opponent. This term is used almost exclusively in reference to a slide tackle, in which a tackle is made while sliding feet first. (A tackle can also refer to knocking down an opponent, but that is a homonym and, as such, a distinctly separate definition.) In order for a slide tackle to not be considered an illegal challenge or dangerous play, no contact can be made unless only one foot is forward and remains forward with the cleats facing the ground, while the other foot remains bent back and away from the opponent. (Sliding with both feet forward is called a two-legged tackle, bending a leg and tripping while slide tackling is called hooking and ensnaring an opponent between both legs is a highly punishable infraction called scissoring.) A successful tackle, in other words, winning the ball, is often considered evidence of a legal challenge as long as contact with the ball is made before contact with the opponent. [Law 12]
OFFSIDE: When on the opposing team’s half of the pitch, except any restart following an out of bounds (throw-in, goal kick or corner kick), a player without possession of the ball and ahead of it is ineligible to interfere with play or make an attempt at playing the ball, if at a teammate’s last touch there are not at least two defenders as near or nearer to their goal line (not necessarily between that player and the goal) than that player. This includes every part of his body except arms and hands. Such a player is considered offside and continues to be offside until the ball is touched by an onside teammate while he is not offside or the other team gains possession of the ball. (An offside player remains offside if, for example, a ball is deflected off the goalkeeper or a goal post.) It is NOT a penalty to passively be in an offside position, nor does it matter if a ball is received in an offside position as long as that player was onside when the teammate made last contact, but this requires the receiving player to successfully time his run. Please note that it is NOT “offsides.” The antonym of offside is colloquially referred to as onside. (Offside has nothing to do with the location of the ball relative to the player already controlling it.) [Law 11]
OFFSIDE TRAP: It is common strategy for a defensive player or players to move further away from their goal line just before a ball is to be passed so that potential recipients suddenly become offside. The second to last defender is the lynchpin in defining the imaginary line demarking offside. It is obviously beneficial but also more challenging to have several players in defensive positions holding this back line and synchronizing the offside trap. An offense unable to counter this tactic and beat the offside trap becomes forced to rely on a player’s dribbling skills to maneuver the ball through the line without passing or score a goal from behind the line. A defense competent and confident in holding the line will prefer to push it forward, moving further from their goal. [Law 11]
ADVANTAGE: When a foul is spotted, the referee can chose to allow play to continue briefly in order to determine whether it is preferable for the fouled team to continue play or impose a penalty. The referee signals the fouled team that he has seen the foul but to play the advantage by gesturing both arms forward. After play has been given a few seconds to develop, the referee must make a permanent decision whether to let play continue, allowing the advantage, or stop play and impose the proper penalty. [Law 5]
PENALTY AREA: Also known as the 18 yard box, the penalty area is the larger of the two rectangles drawn in front of each goal. Besides restricting the handling of the ball by the goalkeeper (see HAND BALL), if a player commits an illegal challenge or hand ball within his own penalty area while the ball is in play, the other team can be awarded a penalty kick. [Law 1]
PENALTY KICK: Any one player gets a chance to kick the ball one time from a spot 12 yards in front of the opposing goal, with only the goalkeeper defending it. The goalkeeper must remain on the goal line until the kick, and the kicker cannot break stride. The other players must remain behind the penalty area and outside of the half circle above it (called the “D”) until the kick is made, after which normal play immediately resumes. [Law 14]
DIRECT FREE KICK: For an illegal challenge or hand ball outside of a team’s own penalty area, a referee can stop play and award the fouled team a kick of a stationary ball from the location of the foul (NOT the location of the ball at the time of the foul). The opposing team must remain 10 yards from the ball until it is kicked. [Law 13]
INDIRECT FREE KICK: For offside, dangerous play, obstruction, preventing the goalkeeper from releasing the ball, illegal handling of the ball by a goalkeeper other than a hand ball or if play is stopped to issue any card (see YELLOW CARD and RED CARD), a referee can award the fouled team a kick of a stationary ball from the location of the foul, unless that foul occurs inside a team’s own goal area, in which case it is placed on the line of the goal area nearest the location of the foul. An indirect free kick is similar to a direct free kick, with the exception that after the first kick of the stationary ball, another teammate must also touch the ball before a goal can be scored. A foul penalized by an indirect free kick is never entitled to a penalty kick. [Law 13]
MISCONDUCT: Briefly, misconduct is dissent, delay of game, not allowing the proper distance on a free kick or corner kick or entering or outright leaving the pitch without permission. [Law 12]
YELLOW CARD: Any foul that a referee deems as intentional (and not simply a result of a poor decision or technique) OR misconduct is penalized by giving the guilty player a booking or caution, which is done by literally showing them a yellow card. Play is often not stopped in order to issue a yellow card, but is instead done so at the next available opportunity. Because, by definition, a hand ball is always intentional, in order for it to be penalized with a yellow card, it must be in an attempt to score a goal or unquestionably intentional, which is a slightly higher standard. [Law 12]
RED CARD: If any foul is considered dangerous with solid contact (properly called serious foul play but often mistakenly called dangerous play), violent, vulgar, interferes with an obvious goal scoring opportunity or receives a second yellow card, he is shown a red card and expelled from the game, or sent off. That team must play out the remainder of the match with one less player. [Law 12]
DROPPED BALL: A dropped ball restarts play on the rare occasion when the referee deems it necessary to stop play without assessing a penalty. These reasons include an injury requiring immediate medical attention, the ball goes flat, two balls are in play, something dangerous gets thrown on the pitch, a fan decides to join the game, etc. After these instances, the referee simply drops the ball where it was located when play was stopped and immediately becomes live for any player after it touches the ground, except if the ball was inside the goal area, in which case it is dropped on the goal area line nearest its last location. [Law 8]
The referee should not stop play simply because a player is injured, but a player from the opposing team will sometimes put the ball out of bounds to stop play, allowing an injured player to be attended to, as a courtesy. It is an expected display of good sportsmanship to give a ball back to a team that was in possession whenever play is stopped for an injured player on the opposing team.
SUBSTITUTION: In an official soccer match, each team is allowed to substitute only three players (with only seven potential subs) in total. A substituted player cannot return to play. In an exhibitionary match, called a friendly, the number of substitutions allowed can be whatever the two sides agree upon before the match, with the norm being six. Additional substitutions are not allowed for any reason, including injury. [Law 3]
STOPPAGES: The sport of soccer is intended to be a test of endurance, and so every effort is made to keep the players in constant activity (and is precisely why substitutions are limited). During a match, the time-of-play clock can only be stopped and restarted by the head referee, and, in order to avoid argument or confusion, these stoppages are recorded only by that referee. The stoppages are not intended to be a secret, and happen when a ball goes out of bounds, a goal is scored, a penalty kick or any free kick is given or on rare occasions when the referee deems it necessary to stop play (see DROPPED BALL). Substitutions are only allowed during one of these other stoppages, and only at the referee’s discretion, and so play is never stopped solely to allow a substitution. It is not uncommon for the referee and players to do such a good job of keeping the ball in play that there are only a few seconds worth of total stoppages. [Law 5]
STOPPAGE TIME : All stoppages are added onto the end of every half, and play continues in what is called stoppage time, extra time, injury time or penalty time. The head referee indicates the length of stoppage time, rounded down to the nearest minute (so, for example, 2 minutes of stoppage time indicates at least 2 minutes). (If asked, a referee will tell a player the rounded amount of stoppage time that has been accumulated even before stoppage time begins.) An exact time cannot be given, because stoppages can happen during stoppage time. Also, play does not stop while one team has an obvious advantage. [Law 7]
Monday, August 13, 2012
Junior Senior
Eleventh grade would bring a lot of change. I met Nacho on the school bus. I’m not sure why I was riding the bus. It could have been after I rear-ended my VW bug into some crazy chick, driving in what I thought was fog but turned out to be a broken defroster. Or maybe it was just because that piece of junk didn’t start half the time. I frequently got rides to marching band in Scott’s Camaro with a bass you could hear from two blocks away and to jazz band with Jason Ruddy, who is my uncle’s grandson.
Regardless, Nacho was a Catalan living in Madrid, which he attempted to elucidate the significance of. He told me about futbol, and gave me a shirt that said futbol, but it would be until years later that I’d discover Ronaldinho and finally realize what he’d been trying to explain. Because his host family had to move and he didn’t want to change schools again, Nacho ended up moving in and living with us for the school year.
Before Nacho could even speak English, we went to Hardee’s with Faith and Charity Abuhl, where it was revealed that both of them were interested in dating me. (Not at the same time, obviously.) Charity was more audacious but Faith was prettier and my age, so I went with her. Her parents had a rule that we could only go on two dates a week, which we probably thought was criminally cruel at the time, but was actually a good idea. She introduced me to tennis. We ate a lot of fast food and saw a bunch of movies. Honestly, we didn’t have that much in common, and anyway we were too naive to know what our interests were or what to do with our time.
After I wrecked the bug, my brother gave me his Ford Festiva. A group of seniors would amuse themselves by picking it up and carrying it to random places in the school lot. I wrecked the Festiva, too, by running a yield sign in front on the school and getting sideswiped by a Camaro.
My drum instructor finally succeeded in convincing me to start actually listening to jazz music. Max Roach’s Drums Unlimited completely changed my views of what was possible on the drumset, and soon I was buying up every jazz CD that was recommended to me. Also around this time, I got into Jimi Hendrix and Erik introduced me to all manner of gangsta rap. I watched Star Trek: Next Generation and Northern Exposure religiously. I also read a lot of classic literature. I became close friends with a kid at my church named Michael Gossen, and we hung out on most Sunday afternoons. Clay Scarborough would come over not infrequently to escape his rough home life and we’d spend the evenings watching anime, Godzilla, kung-fu, samurai and camp (B) movies. I don’t know how Clay knew so much so early in life, except that he was more perceptive than anyone I’d ever met. I’d also wander over to Dave Shultz’s house and get beat at ping pong. Most of what I remember about school itself involves screwing around with Dave- seeing how close we could get to getting in trouble without actually getting in trouble. I spent a lot of time in detention for trifles so hackneyed I doubt they even bothered to tell my parents.
Larry Cory and Andrew Larsen would continuously harass me to let them cheat off my tests in Mrs. Christensen’s class, the content of which I don’t even remember. Jeremy Wicks and I dissected a cat in Advanced Biology. We watched Ken Burn’s Civil War series in Mr. Taylor’s class, during which this kid sat behind me and drew me pictures. He was another kid that got picked on, and I only remember that everyone called him “Doorstop.” I hope that kid turned out alright….
During the summer between eleventh and twelfth grades, I worked during the day at a concession stand on the ninth hole of the Ankeny Golf & Country Club golf course. This young kid who lived across the street would join me. We’d listen to Adam Sandler and serve extremely strong mixed drinks to well-tipping golfers while helping ourselves to candy bars. I can’t fathom why I was allowed to do that job unsupervised.
A waitress named Kristin Gamble, who’s twin sister had been there all along, started working at the AG&CC restaurant, where I worked in the evenings washing dishes until I was promoted to making salads. I exerted a lot of energy playing practical jokes on Kristin.
I got good enough at tennis that I’d routinely go to the courts by the library and defeat the kids that were actually on the North Polk tennis team, which would make them extremely pissed, much to my amusement.
My senior year of high school was basically more of the same. Josh Kortbein introduced me to Nirvana. Cory Webb introduced me to Soundgarden. Beth Dudley tried to introduce me to Brooks and Dunn. I somehow discovered Smashing Pumpkins and Blind Melon. Dave and I spent way to much time making a computer game called Clue II. We took a class trip to Washington DC. My most vivid memory of that is being alone in a hotel room listening to a Tony Williams CD and having the guys I was rooming with come running in to telling me to join then at the pool because Erin Bequeaith was wearing a skimpy bikini. I didn’t care, and continued listening to the CD.
I spent my last summer before college still working at the AG&CC restaurant, and the person I’d miss the most when I went away to college with Faith was Kristin.
Regardless, Nacho was a Catalan living in Madrid, which he attempted to elucidate the significance of. He told me about futbol, and gave me a shirt that said futbol, but it would be until years later that I’d discover Ronaldinho and finally realize what he’d been trying to explain. Because his host family had to move and he didn’t want to change schools again, Nacho ended up moving in and living with us for the school year.
Before Nacho could even speak English, we went to Hardee’s with Faith and Charity Abuhl, where it was revealed that both of them were interested in dating me. (Not at the same time, obviously.) Charity was more audacious but Faith was prettier and my age, so I went with her. Her parents had a rule that we could only go on two dates a week, which we probably thought was criminally cruel at the time, but was actually a good idea. She introduced me to tennis. We ate a lot of fast food and saw a bunch of movies. Honestly, we didn’t have that much in common, and anyway we were too naive to know what our interests were or what to do with our time.
After I wrecked the bug, my brother gave me his Ford Festiva. A group of seniors would amuse themselves by picking it up and carrying it to random places in the school lot. I wrecked the Festiva, too, by running a yield sign in front on the school and getting sideswiped by a Camaro.
My drum instructor finally succeeded in convincing me to start actually listening to jazz music. Max Roach’s Drums Unlimited completely changed my views of what was possible on the drumset, and soon I was buying up every jazz CD that was recommended to me. Also around this time, I got into Jimi Hendrix and Erik introduced me to all manner of gangsta rap. I watched Star Trek: Next Generation and Northern Exposure religiously. I also read a lot of classic literature. I became close friends with a kid at my church named Michael Gossen, and we hung out on most Sunday afternoons. Clay Scarborough would come over not infrequently to escape his rough home life and we’d spend the evenings watching anime, Godzilla, kung-fu, samurai and camp (B) movies. I don’t know how Clay knew so much so early in life, except that he was more perceptive than anyone I’d ever met. I’d also wander over to Dave Shultz’s house and get beat at ping pong. Most of what I remember about school itself involves screwing around with Dave- seeing how close we could get to getting in trouble without actually getting in trouble. I spent a lot of time in detention for trifles so hackneyed I doubt they even bothered to tell my parents.
Larry Cory and Andrew Larsen would continuously harass me to let them cheat off my tests in Mrs. Christensen’s class, the content of which I don’t even remember. Jeremy Wicks and I dissected a cat in Advanced Biology. We watched Ken Burn’s Civil War series in Mr. Taylor’s class, during which this kid sat behind me and drew me pictures. He was another kid that got picked on, and I only remember that everyone called him “Doorstop.” I hope that kid turned out alright….
During the summer between eleventh and twelfth grades, I worked during the day at a concession stand on the ninth hole of the Ankeny Golf & Country Club golf course. This young kid who lived across the street would join me. We’d listen to Adam Sandler and serve extremely strong mixed drinks to well-tipping golfers while helping ourselves to candy bars. I can’t fathom why I was allowed to do that job unsupervised.
A waitress named Kristin Gamble, who’s twin sister had been there all along, started working at the AG&CC restaurant, where I worked in the evenings washing dishes until I was promoted to making salads. I exerted a lot of energy playing practical jokes on Kristin.
I got good enough at tennis that I’d routinely go to the courts by the library and defeat the kids that were actually on the North Polk tennis team, which would make them extremely pissed, much to my amusement.
My senior year of high school was basically more of the same. Josh Kortbein introduced me to Nirvana. Cory Webb introduced me to Soundgarden. Beth Dudley tried to introduce me to Brooks and Dunn. I somehow discovered Smashing Pumpkins and Blind Melon. Dave and I spent way to much time making a computer game called Clue II. We took a class trip to Washington DC. My most vivid memory of that is being alone in a hotel room listening to a Tony Williams CD and having the guys I was rooming with come running in to telling me to join then at the pool because Erin Bequeaith was wearing a skimpy bikini. I didn’t care, and continued listening to the CD.
I spent my last summer before college still working at the AG&CC restaurant, and the person I’d miss the most when I went away to college with Faith was Kristin.
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