Update

Although I have a few post ideas in my head that I'd like to get written down, I also have several more ambitious writing ideas that I am prioritizing before this blog. Also, now that winter is gladly away for a few months, I will be spending the majority of my time running around in the out-of-doors instead of sitting inside in front of this computer. Therefore, my contributions here may by spotty until it gets cold again....

Fear

My dad had called my brother and me out to the garage to help him with something. Before I was fully aware of what was going on, my dad had handed my brother a shovel and told me to guard the door. Suddenly, a huge white rat was seemingly everywhere in the garage at once, emitting a deafening high-pitched shriek, with my dad and brother scrambling after it desperately swinging their weapons. I began crying and pleaded for them to stop, and, after my dad realized he was getting nowhere with his justifications for killing the rodent, they eventually did.

It was terrifying. What struck me was not my own fear, but the intense and very real fear being experienced by the rat. We were responsible for making it afraid. Its only crime was having existed in our garage.

Fear, intimidation and shame are commonplace tools for control in our society. Religion, parents, governments, business people and peers all exploit fear to mold and influence our actions and beliefs. It is a highly effective tool, and that’s not a bad (or a good) thing. Fear can keep us safe. Fear tames the beast.

My assumption, however, is that fear is more often abused and abusive than it can ever be constructive. I am simply personally uncomfortable with the idea of inflicting fear. Conversely, I can’t stand others who attempt to scare. I refuse to be intimidated. My refusal to be deterred is a bias that separates me from the herd; where safety is usually seen to lie.

I am more comfortable foraging on my own than following the herd. Perhaps I’m simply afraid of being tamed. But I’ve tried that route and found it unsettling. The way I see it; I am simply too acutely aware of the ignorant assumptions, false warnings and blatant lies of others to follow anyone or anything other than myself. I am not at all afraid of making my own decisions.

I am no fucking sheep. I’m also not a rat being chased by shovels. I am not unconcerned for the angst my unpredictable nature causes in some. I seem to simultaneously blaze trails and burn bridges without even breaking a sweat while omlookers simply cringe. This empathetic fear can be reasonable, but it can also be nothing other than the manifestation of the lies they believe so earnestly.


I’ve been attempting to find a balance between existing on my own terms and freaking others out or pissing them off. I suppose I may be searching for prudence. It just seldom seems to be any fun.