Duplicate digit days always remind me of Risa, because she was born on one of them and I called to wish her a happy birthday on the wrong one once.
For over a decade, Risa has been compiling and distributing sundry articles amongst a select group of members in a top-secret organization loosely connected to Cedar Falls, Iowa. A mailer arrived the other day, and upon skimming the contents, I came upon the transcriptions of a Camping Journal- a term coined by Risa- giving a distorted play-by-play of Brett and Andrea’s wedding reunion campout. “Oh, that’s strange,” I commented aloud, “I thought I had written a lot of that.” I then read the explanatory opening paragraph with near disbelief: I had written the bulk of that night’s Camping Journal.
My handwriting is completely illegible, and it does not improve with drinking. One morning in Maupin, Oregon, while struggling to read an entire page of my own Camping Journal scribbles from the epic night before in Dick’s backyard, I showed it to Sandy. She just laughed and shook her head. “My students have better handwriting than that.” I have been typing everything intended for others to read since my parents bought an Apple 2e clone when I was in seventh grade. Risa, however, was somehow only stumped by six words, which she scanned and included in their original form. The first four are: gun, woman, misbehavin’ and paddling; I have no clue myself what the last two are.
It suddenly occurred to me that Risa and I have remained in fairly consistent contact since we first met in Brad’s dorm room on April 27th, 1996, which is longer than anybody else I know. Therefore, it is highly probable that Risa knows me better than anybody else. This is likely how she was able to kick my ass at Risk last month, despite my having taught her everything (worthwhile anyway) she knows about the game. (Anyone who’s played a board game with my dad or I will get this joke.)
Risa’s married to this guy Chant. Chant and I met while “working” at a gas station conveniently located a couple blocks from “The Blue House,” where Risa lived at the time. Upon meeting Chant, I thought to myself, this guy is either as smart as I am or as full of shit. He dons a jaunty grin, keen eyes, stilt-like legs and flaxen hair. Perhaps he’s just a little too adorable for my tastes. He brews some fine beer, though. (I’m genuinely tempted to add LOLZ.)
One day while working together, Chant called me out for staring at a cute customer. Two years later, that cute customer and I would move to the San Francisco Bay Area together, not long after Chant and Risa had moved to Eugene, Oregon.
About a year ago, Chant and Risa asked if I’d seen some movie I’d never heard of. Chant promptly burned me a copy and, instead of writing the name of the movie, drew a picture of some devious-looking guy on it. Most people shy away from recommending movies to me, as I’m generally not shy about giving my opinion on it. If I don’t like a movie, I tend to amuse myself by talking through it ala MST3K. Anyway, I finally got around to watching the movie last night. It’s tragically titled The Lathe of Heaven (1980), so now I get why Chant opted to omit it. It is my kind of movie in so many ways- a sort of Twilight Zone meets Philip K. Dick in Portland, Oregon with a PBS budget (literally). It seems an essential link between cinematic science fiction prior to Star Wars (1977) and those that weren’t trying to be another Return of the Jedi (1983).
Chant also burned me the first season of The Wire. I plan on starting to watch that next week.
Risa has always had a crush on Arlo Guthrie. She even made me re-watch Alice’s Restaurant (1969) during our college years, and it turned out to be much better than I remembered it. I’m sure their newborn son, Escher Arlo, will be seeing it soon.
There’s a tête-à-tête in the entertainingly quotable movie Tombstone (1993) where, after the tuberculosis addled Doc Holliday, delightfully portrayed by Val Kilmer, coughs up blood and falls off his horse, Turkey Creek Jack Johnson asks, “Why are you doin’ this, Doc?” Holliday slurs, “Because Wyatt Earp is my friend.” Johnson scoffs, “Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends.” Holliday replies, “I don’t.”
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Friday, November 11, 2011
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Camping Journal V
If we had an M-50 mounted on top of this car we could camp wherever the fuck we wanted.
Just throw it in that crack right there.
That’s what she said.
Well, this is fucking Maupin!
That bird is its own rap group.
Careful of that jewelry box; we don’t know what she considers jewelry- a partially polished turd…
Hopefully she wasn’t expecting any privacy with her friend that’s coming to visit tonight.
I walked in and thought, “That’s weird the front door’s unlocked,” and then some dude said, “Hi!”
Wow, more players than we knew.
I was trying to keep my hair out of my chewing. It was only partially successful. I’m gonna cough up a hairball tomorrow morning.
What? She’s making a cemetery?
Usually you want your gutters to be more horizontal.
We have contact with Dick.
I love having contact with Dick.
Good thing about Maupin: You’re never more than 50 feet from someone who will let you camp in their backyard.
Oregon: Thank god it’s beautiful because otherwise it’s worthless.
His parents were like, “There was this penguin that’s been every place and seen some things so they bring it from the trestles with a life jacket on and a helmet over its head and some cop cut it open and filled its boat with stuffing."
It was horrible- he had trucks and toilets back here.
Hopefully it’s a lot worse in the Enchantments.
I just want to cradle you for not being a knucklehead.
You're unusually agreeing, Andrew.
I'm sadly black man from the what?
There’s nothing pretty or interesting but this is getting pretty dull.
I was writing in the dark with a belly full of whisky, and things got illegible. Amazingly, I managed to decipher all but one line, which I have included in its original form. Let me know if you can figure it out!
I don’t know what else there is to do in Wasco County.
Either you gotta do this every day or never do it again.
The ‘bow was… retarded.
What were you guys talking about when I was in the tent and your reply was, “We’ll have to take a little spin.”?
Two dudes and a patrol boat spent five minutes with me for nothing.
Daddy Jeremy, buy us a cheese pizza!
I don’t want to be on a douche bag raft though.
Well then we can’t be on a raft with Andrew.
Dick is all about beer and ladies.
We’ll give it the old college fraternity try.
I think this campground’s full of tools.
Pay to listen to butt rock?
Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick
Dick fishes in Blue Hole.
Your mom isn’t sealed.
She is broken.
I can’t hear you. Actually I can but I’m just not listening.
Step 1: Shave the patient.
Step 2: Make the boobs hang out.
Outhouse backsplash- worst thing ever.
That was tots awesome!
He’s a pentapus.
That just sounds pornographic.
His shirt is tucked into his crack.
That just made my whole trip.
Oh Jake you have the midget chair.
It’s the righteous chair.
Does this chair make me look fat?
I see my name. Is that the scorekeeping sheet? I thought you were writing something nasty about me.
I thought I heard my name.
I heard “gay.”
Yeah, that’s me.
Where’d you go, toonsins?
I lost my green nipple and everything.
I love coming from behind.
Oh now you just turned it dirty.
I want to capture the moment: Before 6 nieces. After 6 nieces.
“I felt like I was literally sitting on God’s front porch.”
Thanks for backing me up on that stupid ass statement.
That’s a little too close-up. I don’t want to see it that close.
All you have to do is roll the dice and lose to Sandy.
I’m going to keep saying, “Daddy Jeremy buy me a cheese pizza” until he actually does.
It would be easier to chop your head off with my hatchet.
I was gonna offer to buy you one to shut you up but if he’s willing to chop your head off even better.
You’ve been taking your cues from under the Burnside Bridge.
RIGHTEOUS DUDE BRAH
I’ve got the power of the drifter now.
WHOA!
Chips go well with chili.
That’s true, but it’s dangerous on your jeans.
This parking lot is going to be nothing but chock full of reggae blaring cars.
I’m not a cracker connoisseur or anything but these are the greatest crackers of all time.
I’ll show you squeak, motherfucker.
Promise?
Those are the fat-girl-come-get-me pants.
We’ll flip for heads and tails.
I don’t know how you ever stopped at 800. That’s very un-Jake like.
I think the little fucker’s fucking with us. You being the other fucker.
That’s your excuse for everything.
It’s Maupin.
S’s are for aretards.
We’re almost there with the chili.
I’ve heard that before.
Andrew hearts death.
Ha you douched your pants.
Chip lifeguard- I need you.
There’s something hard in there.
Who won? Andrew? Damn it!
I like it when nice people win.
Why does Andrew do any of the things that he does?
I don’t want a chip in my crotch, thanks.
Beavers like chips too.
The sky’s really ugly right now.
I should stop with this chili.
That’s what Sandy’s thinking.
I see your lover’s intestines and I raise you one chip with four beans on it.
Hey Jeremy, where’s your tool?
I see a flying head.
No that’s just me.
That helps my loser ass.
Yeah it does.
I have so many fucking layers on right now.
We don’t mind if you puke on Jake.
You and God can go homo out together.
You’re complimenting God.
Right now, he wishes he was gay.
Wow that was worth the 18 ounces of gas.
Not to mention the gallon of gas it took to get Andrew’s flashlight here.
Your ass is gonna make a nice cap for your light.
I don’t know I was just trying to figure out whether I was looking at the sun or Andrew’s flashlight.
Everything in my hand and this one is not in my hand.
I am like patience encapsulated.
What is it a one-ounce vial?
I was being generous.
I am going to go write in my journal.
Do not invite Andrew camping ever.
Star gazing cancelled due to douche bag friend.
Until it’s waterlogged, duct-taped to your body on the bottom of the Deschutes.
I think Andrew’s just taking superfluous rolls now.
I was looking for squealing nieces. What’s wrong with that?
All I heard was split in three and your mom.
What else did you need to hear?
Your mom’s a mess after last night.
I love the sound of a generator first thing in the morning.
Should I go get a newspaper? ‘Cause you look like you could use one.
You might find kicking Sandy to be much more satisfying. Just an observation.
You lost your balls now that you’re sober?
They don’t say much when they’re unconscious.
You don’t police your mouth very well.
How many beers have you had?
Two.
You are an embarrassment to Maupin.
I could douche.
You could douche?
It’s French for shower.
Vagina shower!
Just throw it in that crack right there.
That’s what she said.
Well, this is fucking Maupin!
That bird is its own rap group.
Careful of that jewelry box; we don’t know what she considers jewelry- a partially polished turd…
Hopefully she wasn’t expecting any privacy with her friend that’s coming to visit tonight.
I walked in and thought, “That’s weird the front door’s unlocked,” and then some dude said, “Hi!”
Wow, more players than we knew.
I was trying to keep my hair out of my chewing. It was only partially successful. I’m gonna cough up a hairball tomorrow morning.
What? She’s making a cemetery?
Usually you want your gutters to be more horizontal.
We have contact with Dick.
I love having contact with Dick.
Good thing about Maupin: You’re never more than 50 feet from someone who will let you camp in their backyard.
Oregon: Thank god it’s beautiful because otherwise it’s worthless.
His parents were like, “There was this penguin that’s been every place and seen some things so they bring it from the trestles with a life jacket on and a helmet over its head and some cop cut it open and filled its boat with stuffing."
It was horrible- he had trucks and toilets back here.
Hopefully it’s a lot worse in the Enchantments.
I just want to cradle you for not being a knucklehead.
You're unusually agreeing, Andrew.
I'm sadly black man from the what?
There’s nothing pretty or interesting but this is getting pretty dull.
I was writing in the dark with a belly full of whisky, and things got illegible. Amazingly, I managed to decipher all but one line, which I have included in its original form. Let me know if you can figure it out!
I don’t know what else there is to do in Wasco County.
Either you gotta do this every day or never do it again.
The ‘bow was… retarded.
What were you guys talking about when I was in the tent and your reply was, “We’ll have to take a little spin.”?
Two dudes and a patrol boat spent five minutes with me for nothing.
Daddy Jeremy, buy us a cheese pizza!
I don’t want to be on a douche bag raft though.
Well then we can’t be on a raft with Andrew.
Dick is all about beer and ladies.
We’ll give it the old college fraternity try.
I think this campground’s full of tools.
Pay to listen to butt rock?
Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick
Dick fishes in Blue Hole.
Your mom isn’t sealed.
She is broken.
I can’t hear you. Actually I can but I’m just not listening.
Step 1: Shave the patient.
Step 2: Make the boobs hang out.
Outhouse backsplash- worst thing ever.
That was tots awesome!
He’s a pentapus.
That just sounds pornographic.
His shirt is tucked into his crack.
That just made my whole trip.
Oh Jake you have the midget chair.
It’s the righteous chair.
Does this chair make me look fat?
I see my name. Is that the scorekeeping sheet? I thought you were writing something nasty about me.
I thought I heard my name.
I heard “gay.”
Yeah, that’s me.
Where’d you go, toonsins?
I lost my green nipple and everything.
I love coming from behind.
Oh now you just turned it dirty.
I want to capture the moment: Before 6 nieces. After 6 nieces.
“I felt like I was literally sitting on God’s front porch.”
Thanks for backing me up on that stupid ass statement.
That’s a little too close-up. I don’t want to see it that close.
All you have to do is roll the dice and lose to Sandy.
I’m going to keep saying, “Daddy Jeremy buy me a cheese pizza” until he actually does.
It would be easier to chop your head off with my hatchet.
I was gonna offer to buy you one to shut you up but if he’s willing to chop your head off even better.
You’ve been taking your cues from under the Burnside Bridge.
RIGHTEOUS DUDE BRAH
I’ve got the power of the drifter now.
WHOA!
Chips go well with chili.
That’s true, but it’s dangerous on your jeans.
This parking lot is going to be nothing but chock full of reggae blaring cars.
I’m not a cracker connoisseur or anything but these are the greatest crackers of all time.
I’ll show you squeak, motherfucker.
Promise?
Those are the fat-girl-come-get-me pants.
We’ll flip for heads and tails.
I don’t know how you ever stopped at 800. That’s very un-Jake like.
I think the little fucker’s fucking with us. You being the other fucker.
That’s your excuse for everything.
It’s Maupin.
S’s are for aretards.
We’re almost there with the chili.
I’ve heard that before.
Andrew hearts death.
Ha you douched your pants.
Chip lifeguard- I need you.
There’s something hard in there.
Who won? Andrew? Damn it!
I like it when nice people win.
Why does Andrew do any of the things that he does?
I don’t want a chip in my crotch, thanks.
Beavers like chips too.
The sky’s really ugly right now.
I should stop with this chili.
That’s what Sandy’s thinking.
I see your lover’s intestines and I raise you one chip with four beans on it.
Hey Jeremy, where’s your tool?
I see a flying head.
No that’s just me.
That helps my loser ass.
Yeah it does.
I have so many fucking layers on right now.
We don’t mind if you puke on Jake.
You and God can go homo out together.
You’re complimenting God.
Right now, he wishes he was gay.
Wow that was worth the 18 ounces of gas.
Not to mention the gallon of gas it took to get Andrew’s flashlight here.
Your ass is gonna make a nice cap for your light.
I don’t know I was just trying to figure out whether I was looking at the sun or Andrew’s flashlight.
Everything in my hand and this one is not in my hand.
I am like patience encapsulated.
What is it a one-ounce vial?
I was being generous.
I am going to go write in my journal.
Do not invite Andrew camping ever.
Star gazing cancelled due to douche bag friend.
Until it’s waterlogged, duct-taped to your body on the bottom of the Deschutes.
I think Andrew’s just taking superfluous rolls now.
I was looking for squealing nieces. What’s wrong with that?
All I heard was split in three and your mom.
What else did you need to hear?
Your mom’s a mess after last night.
I love the sound of a generator first thing in the morning.
Should I go get a newspaper? ‘Cause you look like you could use one.
You might find kicking Sandy to be much more satisfying. Just an observation.
You lost your balls now that you’re sober?
They don’t say much when they’re unconscious.
You don’t police your mouth very well.
How many beers have you had?
Two.
You are an embarrassment to Maupin.
I could douche.
You could douche?
It’s French for shower.
Vagina shower!
Monday, July 27, 2009
Camping Journal IV
(Key-Sea House July 5-7, 2009)
If you set it down for a minute I’m gonna burn that fucker.
Is that for all the brilliant things we say?
Brilliant’s a stretch.
I was using the binoculars to look at Sandy and Jeremy mostly.
Sandy’s ass?
It’s fine.
You wouldn’t really need binoculars though.
This isn’t gonna be a survival story.
Hey Sandy- what did you say that was funny five minutes ago?
Hope you like Yachats!
I have a long way to go before getting back at you for the big ass comment earlier.
I can’t believe I missed that ONE opportunity of hearing Andrew being an asshole.
It’s like Haley’s comet.
It’s somewhere between a cloud and rain.
Jake has a jump rope.
I’ve never seen his jump rope.
WOW. Things are getting nutty.
So... it turns out your mom does like me.
In only 3 more hours Ann and Carl will be here.
Just don’t think about it.
I like your hood.
Jeremy made a funny.
It’s so soft- have you guys touched it?
What’s up Jer-Bear?
That’s what my mom calls him!
Yeah, but I like it better when she says it.
I brought a slingshot- I want to see how far I can shoot a rock into the water.
Mosquitoes have some weird genitalia.
I’m unna shut up now.
Whatever.
No one’s looking except our wives.
We’re not going to be looking; we’re going to be busy.
I like you.
I like Sandy.
I like me.
Is that why you club baby seals?
Because they’re there. And dirty.
Marshalltown is like the unwashed sprouts of Iowa.
Don’t fuck with Leo.
Don’t accidentally shove your head in the fireplace.
Just use rubbing alcohol.
Just rub it and drink alcohol.
Carl the humping ghost.
Carl the extra-friendly ghost.
It’s a drippy cheater.
It’s a blabbermouth cheater.
Just give it a good yank.
She’s reference use only, Carl.
You have to leave her in the library.
ARE YOU PUTTING A BLANKET ON YOURSELF?!?!?!
I need to deliver some tea.
She went out to find “service.”
Because apparently I’m not doing my job.
What’s your job?
Oh that- I’m still waking up.
What lame thing are you going to write now?
There were these cheerleader mermaids with cheese pizza and beer offering handjobs.
Coffee and Jenga- the perfect storm.
Think outside the pepper.
That’s how Jesus plays Jenga.
Or yoda.
There’s a lot of love going on here this morning.
It’s making me sick.
I love Jer-Bear.
Jer-Bear’s Hair Care.
Carl, I’m going to shove this so far up your ass….
Yes! Sandy does want to do me!
Please refrain from shitting in the toaster.
I have flaccidity function.
It’s like a flamingo threw up in there.
Brokeback Devil’s Backbone
He left the house with nothing but assless chaps.
Are you sure he’s going fishing?
Stink bait.
Tell them about the time I raped you in the bedroom just now.
That’s Carl’s make-shift masturbatorium.
He’s playing solitaire.
There’s nothing funny about the truth.
Okay, are you ready for my vagina now?
I’ve got dominoes in my pants.
I’m sorry about your structure, Jeremy.
Bring me my lemming.
I don’t know; I’ve got a pain in my ass and I don’t know what it is.
I stepped in horse shit- what’s your excuse?
THE KEY-SEA HOUSE IS FOR LOVERS
Hard like me for your mom.
Jesus Christ Choir Boys
Iceburgs suck. Period.
Hey Ann wanna make a Sandywich?
It sucks like it blows- it is not a lolly hobby.
I’ll stick you with me.
I thoroughly enjoyed the time we had together- mostly when we were humping.
Okay see you next y….
What’s that? Oh, I thought I felt something.
You don’t have to try.
You got your lettuce, you got your hot shit.
Projectile shitting out of my head.
Who wants to play the part of the baby seal?
If it involves duct tape, bungee cord and carabiners I can do it.
If you set it down for a minute I’m gonna burn that fucker.
Is that for all the brilliant things we say?
Brilliant’s a stretch.
I was using the binoculars to look at Sandy and Jeremy mostly.
Sandy’s ass?
It’s fine.
You wouldn’t really need binoculars though.
This isn’t gonna be a survival story.
Hey Sandy- what did you say that was funny five minutes ago?
Hope you like Yachats!
I have a long way to go before getting back at you for the big ass comment earlier.
I can’t believe I missed that ONE opportunity of hearing Andrew being an asshole.
It’s like Haley’s comet.
It’s somewhere between a cloud and rain.
Jake has a jump rope.
I’ve never seen his jump rope.
WOW. Things are getting nutty.
So... it turns out your mom does like me.
In only 3 more hours Ann and Carl will be here.
Just don’t think about it.
I like your hood.
Jeremy made a funny.
It’s so soft- have you guys touched it?
What’s up Jer-Bear?
That’s what my mom calls him!
Yeah, but I like it better when she says it.
I brought a slingshot- I want to see how far I can shoot a rock into the water.
Mosquitoes have some weird genitalia.
I’m unna shut up now.
Whatever.
No one’s looking except our wives.
We’re not going to be looking; we’re going to be busy.
I like you.
I like Sandy.
I like me.
Is that why you club baby seals?
Because they’re there. And dirty.
Marshalltown is like the unwashed sprouts of Iowa.
Don’t fuck with Leo.
Don’t accidentally shove your head in the fireplace.
Just use rubbing alcohol.
Just rub it and drink alcohol.
Carl the humping ghost.
Carl the extra-friendly ghost.
It’s a drippy cheater.
It’s a blabbermouth cheater.
Just give it a good yank.
She’s reference use only, Carl.
You have to leave her in the library.
ARE YOU PUTTING A BLANKET ON YOURSELF?!?!?!
I need to deliver some tea.
She went out to find “service.”
Because apparently I’m not doing my job.
What’s your job?
Oh that- I’m still waking up.
What lame thing are you going to write now?
There were these cheerleader mermaids with cheese pizza and beer offering handjobs.
Coffee and Jenga- the perfect storm.
Think outside the pepper.
That’s how Jesus plays Jenga.
Or yoda.
There’s a lot of love going on here this morning.
It’s making me sick.
I love Jer-Bear.
Jer-Bear’s Hair Care.
Carl, I’m going to shove this so far up your ass….
Yes! Sandy does want to do me!
Please refrain from shitting in the toaster.
I have flaccidity function.
It’s like a flamingo threw up in there.
Brokeback Devil’s Backbone
He left the house with nothing but assless chaps.
Are you sure he’s going fishing?
Stink bait.
Tell them about the time I raped you in the bedroom just now.
That’s Carl’s make-shift masturbatorium.
He’s playing solitaire.
There’s nothing funny about the truth.
Okay, are you ready for my vagina now?
I’ve got dominoes in my pants.
I’m sorry about your structure, Jeremy.
Bring me my lemming.
I don’t know; I’ve got a pain in my ass and I don’t know what it is.
I stepped in horse shit- what’s your excuse?
THE KEY-SEA HOUSE IS FOR LOVERS
Hard like me for your mom.
Jesus Christ Choir Boys
Iceburgs suck. Period.
Hey Ann wanna make a Sandywich?
It sucks like it blows- it is not a lolly hobby.
I’ll stick you with me.
I thoroughly enjoyed the time we had together- mostly when we were humping.
Okay see you next y….
What’s that? Oh, I thought I felt something.
You don’t have to try.
You got your lettuce, you got your hot shit.
Projectile shitting out of my head.
Who wants to play the part of the baby seal?
If it involves duct tape, bungee cord and carabiners I can do it.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Camping Journal III
Excerpts from a camping trip with friends a few weeks back. I hadn’t realized my camping journal was almost full, so I spent the weekend running around looking for scraps of paper to write on or trying to remember what was said until something was found. Upon review, it seems the funny stuff all got forgotten....
That shirt is too tight around my chest.
Give it to Sandy.
The small boob jokes aren’t going to make sense until Ann gets here.
Oh my god; my ass is numb!
Really? We haven’t even started!
Had that old after the beer shoot the shit.
Those people weren’t enjoying my jokes at all.
Just tell them, “Your life is in my hands. Laugh or die.”
The lady on my boat was a parole officer. Jeremy might know her.
Have there been people born with horns?
The best thing about Carl is his parents.
They might be the best thing about me as well.
Chaco’s are hard on me.
Somebody somewhere knows how many sperm are in a teaspoon.
How many are in your mouth?
It’s a $40 t-shirt.
Is it pee resistant?
It’s pretty; I’d like to eat it.
This river is wet!
They eat some of the kids.
Sloppy Joe’s on the menu every Friday. Do they have to give the last names, though?
Are girls harder?
Boys are harder several times a day.
I love the weenies.
If it’s something they’re saying over and over again about your vagina they’ll get in trouble for it.
She’s a task-ks master
Who’s marionberry? Isn’t he the mayor or something?
Are you aware that you have a pencil in your pants?
I only heard mulberries and ass.
I’m on medication.
It’s not that funny.
It might be in a few hours.
The Missionary position reminded me of this:
I’m having puppies!
Why, did she do a dog?
No one really laughed on the boat today- again.
They thought it was funny eventually.
God loves raspberries. Who doesn’t?
Communists, that’s who.
Size does matter, it turns out.
I took that personally.
I knew you would.
White gas reminds me of my childhood.
Strip poker- I win even if I lose. Show up naked. There’s no place to go but up.
Dress poker?
Everybody panic!
No death’s cool.
Do “your mom” jokes ever make sense?
Sometimes and then it’s a zinger.
What do you want from me? I’ve already had half a bottle of whiskey.
My expectations were already low.
Next time you kill me, would you give me a little more notice?
She has an acupuncturist. I have a polygrapher. That’s what keeps the relationship alive.
Are you writing down the polygamy?
Sticky like the McGregors.
It came from Marshalltown; of course it’s sticky.
I can’t put it in the hole.
That’s what she said.
I am going to go talk to your mom about raping buses.
There’s a pretty healthy, um, didn’t mean to look….
That little fricker fricked me!
Oh, yeah, Carl will help you.
That guy at the campsite next to us reminds me of my dad.
A homosexual?
Thank you I like coconuts. They smell like, when drying in the sun, like tarter sauce.
No Tourret’s for me thank you.
My joy factory hurts.
You shouldn’t do that with your joy factory.
My joy factory’s exploding.
Would it be okay if I said out loud that Carl’s an asshole and Ann’s a bitch?
There’s a lot of good things about Portland but Carl’s not one of them.
I just figured out your husband’s the luckiest man ever! He’s got a four-legged pussy, a three legged pussy and a two-legged pussy.
His name’s Romaine.
Is he a noodle?
He’s lettuce, dipshit, get it right.
All I’d use a camera phone for would be to take pictures of my cats and other pussies in compromising positions.
He’s in alcohol’s hammock right now.
Just let me know when I’m overwhelming.
He can’t even say the word without having sex with it.
Careful, Andrew’s recording your every word.
Okay, now I can officially call you a douche bag.
It was the other seasonal staff; the control side. There was something growing in that crew.
It was a Swiss Army vehicle.
It was invisible.
Wonder Woman drove it.
If you can land it in this donut I’ll give you $1.50 and the donut.
Smile like a donut.
Artistically?
Grrooss
Aww you’re such a snugglepuss. Oh wait, now I’m just being molested.
All roads are a crossroads- sometimes you just don’t see the intersection.
Spaniards are hairy and they stink.
Why save the money when you can buy booze with it?
I like pet parades.
Pitch spork.
What would you like to do ideally?
Murder spree.
One man’s junk is another man’s coffee creamer.
Oh look he’s giving the puppy-dog face.
That gave me the creepy chills.
What do you call, no, who can you do, no, wait, how does it go?
Fucking goat heads.
Smells like up-dog.
Smells like good fooking.
It’s ambiguous day!
It rikas.
Why does the southwest have to be so far away?
I wish you squeezed me like that.
Lay down on the bench, baby.
Show ‘em your metal, dude.
Just think; they could be sitting here doing nothing right now.
Buy a new cheese, dude.
Ain’t much doin’ down here in Maupin.
Want me to tell you a story?
Will it be about a small animal dying?
Probably.
That is a whole lot more math than I am prepared to do right now.
They always fuck our plans up whether they’re jogging or not.
I would be kinda anti-climactical for you maybe.
If you’re heading towards the put-in….
Pardon my use of the word, but this is retarded.
In this case the word is entirely appropriate.
What’s scat?
I forgot about doggy-style.
Someone needs a reminder.
Crapbag Quilters.
A tattoo of a trout jumping at your worm…
I can’t believe you didn’t make a penis joke out of that.
Can you tell me what kind of wood this is?
The Sky Chairs are impressively comfortable.
They must be- they’re expensive and ugly.
No, you’re talking about the girls in the chairs.
Let me try it once. Here, hold my thing here.
Bingo therapy.
Andrew, why do you have one up and one down?
Everybody act synonymous.
Face and nuts; legs and arms- things that enter the body.
Are you deep-throating that flask?
Ahh, snuggle
It’s not as sexy coming from you.
My balls slapping the water don’t make as much noise as Jeremy’s.
Half of what I say is making fun of Carl.
Sprouts are dirty.
You’re the #1 cause of everything awful.
You get HIV from sprouts.
Carl, I’d like you to know that I have Asperger’s.
Ass burgers are gross.
You smell like fried cod. It’s a little Marshalltownesque.
Why are you touching my penis?
It’s wet.
No, don’t whip it out.
It barely whips.
If I trim my pubes it looks a lot longer.
Flask-on-flask action.
You’ve got to slow down, man; get more particular.
I like the forced pacing…
With your mom.
Get more what? Pussy?
What is wrong with you, girl?
Want a list?
Yes.
Your mother, the Pope, capitalism, I keep hanging out with you for some reason….
There’s that guy with the wet crotch area.
You didn’t see that, did you? Stop staring at me!
You need more paper.
I’ll be good; you guys aren’t that funny.
Serviceable, like your mom.
I wrote my mom. Doesn’t work the same. “Oh yeah, so’s my mom, oh wait….”
You’re fucking, girl.
Crying is the only way I can ever get laid.
When I die I want to become a Native American Spirit.
Jeremy always has My Mom withdrawl.
There’s high schoolers checking out my booze.
Hey, want to talk about composting toilets?
Uh, sure.
I don’t mind gelatinous and creamy.
Is that real?
It’s really in my hand about to enter your chest.
Please don’t start making out with your own arm.
Call me buddy once.
Buddyonce
I’m not in the mood, D bag.
A little Dirty Bird will do ya.
I hope that you’re Sandy because if you’re not, she’s right inside.
Don’t tear it; we owe double if you tear it.
This could have been a bereavement meal.
Andrew didn’t die, I’m a little bereaved about that.
This wouldn’t be a problem if we were in Mulligan’s in Cedar Falls.
She’s totally gonna hiccup!
Dustin Hoffman and your mom.
Tastes like rotten chicken.
Bubbly!
He’s already smashed his nuts once but I didn’t do it.
The power of pear.
Prower to the people. Fuck ‘em.
What do you do, upchuck in a womanly way?
Your bag has a boner.
That’s not what I said.
I know but I’m funnier than you.
Are you cheering for your own demise?
We couldn’t tell if it was your ass cheeks or your arms.
Flying Jesus, indeed.
I like to wear herpes.
Oh Sandy, can I smell like you tonight?
Ooh, I get to smell by me tonight too.
Do you guys know where I live?
No.
Good.
I’m an Egyptian Goddess.
That doesn’t seem like something you should have to announce.
Carl, does Maupin make you sick or is it just Abby?
They’re dirty like your mom.
Why buy something for $90 if you don’t love it?
Like a hooker.
Agave Maria
Carl, are you aroused? Oh shit, I’ll be right back….
Something about La Playa.
Everything alright in there?
Uh, yep, he’s aroused.
I don’t have a dick. Well I do, but I’m not that attached to it.
Didn’t you take sex ed.? Yes, but it wasn’t that thorough.
What do you do in that situation?
Well, I usually just play with my own penis.
I though you were a female alien. You eat in that hole? I’m sorry.
Carl’s funny; you’re annoying.
On the plus side, it makes me rub my boobs.
I love heartburn all of a sudden.
Also, you’re missing all of my funny jokes.
No I haven’t, I’m still waiting.
By lantern, I mean your mother.
Wah wah lost.
Andrew’s face is ugh.
I filled it, so now I’m filling random other things.
Nice spatulation.
Let’s spatulate.
Renewing my bowels? Vowels?
Axe- Lady Repellant.
Jesus walked on water- the son of Jesus could read.
The son of Jesus is like the son of Godzilla.
I’M HILARIOUS!
Cotton kills!
How deep is that there?
We can all see it’s pretty deep. It’s a little inappropriate to ask when she’s in that position. You should probably just find out for yourself.
First Abby humped the boat, now it’s Sandy’s turn.
Hey Jeremy, want to do this?
Was she pointing at her crotch when she said that?
I almost got killed by a wooden stake, which is actually the only way you can kill me.
What makes you so growly?
I’m half bear.
Turn around- you look cute in your undies.
Everybody loses except for me- I still win.
Ann shoved me into a tree.
Then stop being an asshole.
You just did it by being hilarious.
How about a hug?
How about a fuck off?
I don’t know whether to shit or smile.
Or start stabbing.
Fun with Funnnies
The daughter of Jesus couldn’t read, she was illiterate.
I saw a beaver over there.
Was it Sandy’s?
Powdered cheese- is there anything better?
That cotton belt might be saving your knife right now but it will be taking your life later.
I need your squishy part to be longer.
Megs said she needs my squishy part to be longer.
No comment.
I was going to hold it above you and drop it into your abdomen. I’m sure it wouldn’t have hit any major organs.
Do you have any major organs?
Not anymore.
He can watch it for a long time because there’s a lot of action in there.
He should see my bedroom.
It’s funny because it’s a lie.
That snake is as big as mine.
I just realized I haven’t done a cartwheel in a skirt today!
Good, I want to stare at your vagina.
Have we really said that many funny things?
No.
My name is not Fisto.
I was going to say I love you, but nevermind.
Don’t worry- I have small appendages.
You make good furniture, but that’s about it.
What are you thinking about?
Your mom.
I forgot to bring my stethoscope. Now I don’t know whether you’re dead or not.
That shirt is too tight around my chest.
Give it to Sandy.
The small boob jokes aren’t going to make sense until Ann gets here.
Oh my god; my ass is numb!
Really? We haven’t even started!
Had that old after the beer shoot the shit.
Those people weren’t enjoying my jokes at all.
Just tell them, “Your life is in my hands. Laugh or die.”
The lady on my boat was a parole officer. Jeremy might know her.
Have there been people born with horns?
The best thing about Carl is his parents.
They might be the best thing about me as well.
Chaco’s are hard on me.
Somebody somewhere knows how many sperm are in a teaspoon.
How many are in your mouth?
It’s a $40 t-shirt.
Is it pee resistant?
It’s pretty; I’d like to eat it.
This river is wet!
They eat some of the kids.
Sloppy Joe’s on the menu every Friday. Do they have to give the last names, though?
Are girls harder?
Boys are harder several times a day.
I love the weenies.
If it’s something they’re saying over and over again about your vagina they’ll get in trouble for it.
She’s a task-ks master
Who’s marionberry? Isn’t he the mayor or something?
Are you aware that you have a pencil in your pants?
I only heard mulberries and ass.
I’m on medication.
It’s not that funny.
It might be in a few hours.
The Missionary position reminded me of this:
I’m having puppies!
Why, did she do a dog?
No one really laughed on the boat today- again.
They thought it was funny eventually.
God loves raspberries. Who doesn’t?
Communists, that’s who.
Size does matter, it turns out.
I took that personally.
I knew you would.
White gas reminds me of my childhood.
Strip poker- I win even if I lose. Show up naked. There’s no place to go but up.
Dress poker?
Everybody panic!
No death’s cool.
Do “your mom” jokes ever make sense?
Sometimes and then it’s a zinger.
What do you want from me? I’ve already had half a bottle of whiskey.
My expectations were already low.
Next time you kill me, would you give me a little more notice?
She has an acupuncturist. I have a polygrapher. That’s what keeps the relationship alive.
Are you writing down the polygamy?
Sticky like the McGregors.
It came from Marshalltown; of course it’s sticky.
I can’t put it in the hole.
That’s what she said.
I am going to go talk to your mom about raping buses.
There’s a pretty healthy, um, didn’t mean to look….
That little fricker fricked me!
Oh, yeah, Carl will help you.
That guy at the campsite next to us reminds me of my dad.
A homosexual?
Thank you I like coconuts. They smell like, when drying in the sun, like tarter sauce.
No Tourret’s for me thank you.
My joy factory hurts.
You shouldn’t do that with your joy factory.
My joy factory’s exploding.
Would it be okay if I said out loud that Carl’s an asshole and Ann’s a bitch?
There’s a lot of good things about Portland but Carl’s not one of them.
I just figured out your husband’s the luckiest man ever! He’s got a four-legged pussy, a three legged pussy and a two-legged pussy.
His name’s Romaine.
Is he a noodle?
He’s lettuce, dipshit, get it right.
All I’d use a camera phone for would be to take pictures of my cats and other pussies in compromising positions.
He’s in alcohol’s hammock right now.
Just let me know when I’m overwhelming.
He can’t even say the word without having sex with it.
Careful, Andrew’s recording your every word.
Okay, now I can officially call you a douche bag.
It was the other seasonal staff; the control side. There was something growing in that crew.
It was a Swiss Army vehicle.
It was invisible.
Wonder Woman drove it.
If you can land it in this donut I’ll give you $1.50 and the donut.
Smile like a donut.
Artistically?
Grrooss
Aww you’re such a snugglepuss. Oh wait, now I’m just being molested.
All roads are a crossroads- sometimes you just don’t see the intersection.
Spaniards are hairy and they stink.
Why save the money when you can buy booze with it?
I like pet parades.
Pitch spork.
What would you like to do ideally?
Murder spree.
One man’s junk is another man’s coffee creamer.
Oh look he’s giving the puppy-dog face.
That gave me the creepy chills.
What do you call, no, who can you do, no, wait, how does it go?
Fucking goat heads.
Smells like up-dog.
Smells like good fooking.
It’s ambiguous day!
It rikas.
Why does the southwest have to be so far away?
I wish you squeezed me like that.
Lay down on the bench, baby.
Show ‘em your metal, dude.
Just think; they could be sitting here doing nothing right now.
Buy a new cheese, dude.
Ain’t much doin’ down here in Maupin.
Want me to tell you a story?
Will it be about a small animal dying?
Probably.
That is a whole lot more math than I am prepared to do right now.
They always fuck our plans up whether they’re jogging or not.
I would be kinda anti-climactical for you maybe.
If you’re heading towards the put-in….
Pardon my use of the word, but this is retarded.
In this case the word is entirely appropriate.
What’s scat?
I forgot about doggy-style.
Someone needs a reminder.
Crapbag Quilters.
A tattoo of a trout jumping at your worm…
I can’t believe you didn’t make a penis joke out of that.
Can you tell me what kind of wood this is?
The Sky Chairs are impressively comfortable.
They must be- they’re expensive and ugly.
No, you’re talking about the girls in the chairs.
Let me try it once. Here, hold my thing here.
Bingo therapy.
Andrew, why do you have one up and one down?
Everybody act synonymous.
Face and nuts; legs and arms- things that enter the body.
Are you deep-throating that flask?
Ahh, snuggle
It’s not as sexy coming from you.
My balls slapping the water don’t make as much noise as Jeremy’s.
Half of what I say is making fun of Carl.
Sprouts are dirty.
You’re the #1 cause of everything awful.
You get HIV from sprouts.
Carl, I’d like you to know that I have Asperger’s.
Ass burgers are gross.
You smell like fried cod. It’s a little Marshalltownesque.
Why are you touching my penis?
It’s wet.
No, don’t whip it out.
It barely whips.
If I trim my pubes it looks a lot longer.
Flask-on-flask action.
You’ve got to slow down, man; get more particular.
I like the forced pacing…
With your mom.
Get more what? Pussy?
What is wrong with you, girl?
Want a list?
Yes.
Your mother, the Pope, capitalism, I keep hanging out with you for some reason….
There’s that guy with the wet crotch area.
You didn’t see that, did you? Stop staring at me!
You need more paper.
I’ll be good; you guys aren’t that funny.
Serviceable, like your mom.
I wrote my mom. Doesn’t work the same. “Oh yeah, so’s my mom, oh wait….”
You’re fucking, girl.
Crying is the only way I can ever get laid.
When I die I want to become a Native American Spirit.
Jeremy always has My Mom withdrawl.
There’s high schoolers checking out my booze.
Hey, want to talk about composting toilets?
Uh, sure.
I don’t mind gelatinous and creamy.
Is that real?
It’s really in my hand about to enter your chest.
Please don’t start making out with your own arm.
Call me buddy once.
Buddyonce
I’m not in the mood, D bag.
A little Dirty Bird will do ya.
I hope that you’re Sandy because if you’re not, she’s right inside.
Don’t tear it; we owe double if you tear it.
This could have been a bereavement meal.
Andrew didn’t die, I’m a little bereaved about that.
This wouldn’t be a problem if we were in Mulligan’s in Cedar Falls.
She’s totally gonna hiccup!
Dustin Hoffman and your mom.
Tastes like rotten chicken.
Bubbly!
He’s already smashed his nuts once but I didn’t do it.
The power of pear.
Prower to the people. Fuck ‘em.
What do you do, upchuck in a womanly way?
Your bag has a boner.
That’s not what I said.
I know but I’m funnier than you.
Are you cheering for your own demise?
We couldn’t tell if it was your ass cheeks or your arms.
Flying Jesus, indeed.
I like to wear herpes.
Oh Sandy, can I smell like you tonight?
Ooh, I get to smell by me tonight too.
Do you guys know where I live?
No.
Good.
I’m an Egyptian Goddess.
That doesn’t seem like something you should have to announce.
Carl, does Maupin make you sick or is it just Abby?
They’re dirty like your mom.
Why buy something for $90 if you don’t love it?
Like a hooker.
Agave Maria
Carl, are you aroused? Oh shit, I’ll be right back….
Something about La Playa.
Everything alright in there?
Uh, yep, he’s aroused.
I don’t have a dick. Well I do, but I’m not that attached to it.
Didn’t you take sex ed.? Yes, but it wasn’t that thorough.
What do you do in that situation?
Well, I usually just play with my own penis.
I though you were a female alien. You eat in that hole? I’m sorry.
Carl’s funny; you’re annoying.
On the plus side, it makes me rub my boobs.
I love heartburn all of a sudden.
Also, you’re missing all of my funny jokes.
No I haven’t, I’m still waiting.
By lantern, I mean your mother.
Wah wah lost.
Andrew’s face is ugh.
I filled it, so now I’m filling random other things.
Nice spatulation.
Let’s spatulate.
Renewing my bowels? Vowels?
Axe- Lady Repellant.
Jesus walked on water- the son of Jesus could read.
The son of Jesus is like the son of Godzilla.
I’M HILARIOUS!
Cotton kills!
How deep is that there?
We can all see it’s pretty deep. It’s a little inappropriate to ask when she’s in that position. You should probably just find out for yourself.
First Abby humped the boat, now it’s Sandy’s turn.
Hey Jeremy, want to do this?
Was she pointing at her crotch when she said that?
I almost got killed by a wooden stake, which is actually the only way you can kill me.
What makes you so growly?
I’m half bear.
Turn around- you look cute in your undies.
Everybody loses except for me- I still win.
Ann shoved me into a tree.
Then stop being an asshole.
You just did it by being hilarious.
How about a hug?
How about a fuck off?
I don’t know whether to shit or smile.
Or start stabbing.
Fun with Funnnies
The daughter of Jesus couldn’t read, she was illiterate.
I saw a beaver over there.
Was it Sandy’s?
Powdered cheese- is there anything better?
That cotton belt might be saving your knife right now but it will be taking your life later.
I need your squishy part to be longer.
Megs said she needs my squishy part to be longer.
No comment.
I was going to hold it above you and drop it into your abdomen. I’m sure it wouldn’t have hit any major organs.
Do you have any major organs?
Not anymore.
He can watch it for a long time because there’s a lot of action in there.
He should see my bedroom.
It’s funny because it’s a lie.
That snake is as big as mine.
I just realized I haven’t done a cartwheel in a skirt today!
Good, I want to stare at your vagina.
Have we really said that many funny things?
No.
My name is not Fisto.
I was going to say I love you, but nevermind.
Don’t worry- I have small appendages.
You make good furniture, but that’s about it.
What are you thinking about?
Your mom.
I forgot to bring my stethoscope. Now I don’t know whether you’re dead or not.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, October 15, 2007
Camping Journal
Many years ago, my friend Risa got a camping journal in which you were supposed to record the details of your camping trips. It had lines for what the campsite was like, what food you ate, etc. Risa took the idea one step further, and when we (along with groups of Iowans and occasional un-Iowan friends now living on the west coast) used to get together once a year for our “Great Iowan Campout,” we would use the journal to write down every clever, witty or (especially) perverted thing that was said. The journal got passed around so over time everyone ended up contributing whatever they heard and deemed suitable for the journal. Read back later, the fact that our hastily recorded ramblings made little sense made them only funnier. My personal favorite lines are the ones that were perfectly innocent originally but sound really perverse read back out of context.
Naturally I stole the idea. A couple weeks ago, a group of us (6 Iowans, 2 “others”) spent the weekend in a cabin on the Oregon coast. Here’s what happened according to the journal:
It can be over…
Jenga!
He’s like the white guy Eminem…
Gopher Gruel, Urine Luck
Do you know why I fucked up that breakfast so badly? Because you’re a fuckup.
There’s a lot of shit going on in Guatemala right now…oh wait, you’re not talking about that are you?
It tastes like…what was that flavor I just had? Chunk of rainbow! Franzia! It’s a bagel that tastes like box wine.
Set your asses free
I thought she was cute but apparently I had my shit glasses on.
It’s very suspicious when someone walks into a bathroom and says “It smells good in here.”
She was wearing potpourri underwear.
It’s gonna be the best grumper later.
Carl’s making a pretty pile right now.
That one had a little extra JengaLubeâ on it.
Can I touch your yarn?
I love how you feel like you can breathe fire.
Andrew has a big wooden tower between his legs
Hos go home!
I’d definitely blow my head off.
Today I’m going to snap.
I think he just blew a wad of jizz through his horn.
Everything was fine until Carl entered the kitchen and dropped his sausage in the pan.
Those birds don’t like boxed wine.
Look at this little dickey thing you have coming out.
Have you guys ever been to Lake Iowa? This looks just like Lake Iowa.
Andrew’s for rent. I don’t think you guys can afford me.
I will fashion a rope of your hair…your back hair.
It’s Patrick…with flippers and a beer.
Oh it’s Ken Kesey in bird form…or, that’s not Ken Kesey, it’s a bird.
My hand is cleaner than Andrew’s weiner
My left breast has been hanging out for half the day.
Who isn’t cute playing the mandolin? Manson?
She had her shit goggles on a lot.
You wouldn’t know it now but she was super hot back then.
You look beautiful tonight…these are very special moments…I wish you were wearing lingerie…If I were a lonely cowboy….(Carl to Andrew)
I’m expressing myself right now.
How many nipples does a soybean have?
He’s a tick magnet. Yeah, ticks dig me, man!
Lactating men are bad.
Her specialty is imitating the sound of broken glass- MBWEEE!!!
I smell citrus. Did you shit?
I’m gonna cry my blues away (Robert Johnson)
Completely my favorite. Much better. Sucky.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before- What the fuck is wrong with this starfish?
I didn’t pass out! Was I snoring?
Bruccuchaa, toochi. da poodieaman; techacheet o-muchie-arriba! Brubiega-ha ma chu ta.
I lost my tongue on a tetherball pole.
The eternal dusk of gerbils in Carl’s anus
It’s a man nipple- It’s a mipple.
Just yank it out there
Everybody else is getting blueberry I’m getting dinglebery
Ann “Makes the sun want to stay in bed” Steffen
He has a very girly thing going on
If it was fake it would be…bigger
Sandy touched your work
Look- I have a hole in my crotch. Well that’s going in the book! I have a knot in mine.
He just made a bicycle out of chewing gum, a rubber band and a tampon.
Who does it to Enya? Who what to Enya?
This is like Ray Charles playing Jenga
Sweet hair tattoo!
I’m a lucky girl. Why, because your husband has huge pancakes?
Are you sitting down? No, I’m just going to pass some gas.
Might have been a uniball
When he told you how his dick got crooked it was like ahh!
That’s not the showerhead screaming right now. That’s Jeremy. It’s like a dental drill in there.
I smell what you’re stepping in.
She was hoping for a Sandy Sandwich
Tornado Jenga. Avant-garde Jenga. Jenga-style Kung Fu. Thanks comma jerkoff. White belt Jenga.
Use the magnifying glass much? Only in the shower.
The Way of the Jenga.
Imagine two young men out in the middle of summer
Jake’s playing Jenga with notecards.
When what you’re throwing is bigger than the target there’s a problem.
Are you putting my pen in your toes?
I’ve got some sweet Jenga moves. It’s pretty much my favorite game.
You’re hairy- I like it.
What is Carl doing right now? Getting squished by two hot chicks.
That went on for about 30 seconds too long.
It’s amazing that spider can hold on with such strong winds! He just talks! Did you see the spider though?
One word sums it up. I think I just peed my pants a little bit. Your lap is super absorbent. Sitting on your lap is like wearing a diaper.
Jesus is pretty much my favorite baby.
You look like a late, fat Elvis. I meant your weiner! It’s a pen!
You just made me fart! Would you rather I gave you a tweety twister? Tweety twister? I just made that up, but I was going for a titty twister and you pushed my hand lower.
You’re getting bigger- in some respects.
My penis is more like a vagina on a stick
You’re poop. Oh yeah, well you’re an asshole and that’s where poop comes from.
The conversation’s going south in a hurry.
I hope Jeremy’s still alive. Me too. I don’t really care.
Someone just needs to push him off the cliff and we’ll all be happier.
Now he’s dancing? Is that what you call that?
Up, up- a little to the right- now turn it- oh yeah oh yeah my cracker! I got so excited….
My penis is really, really small. I know…that’s too bad….
They’re talking to the birds now. They really were talking to the birds!
I found out today that I’m a pelican trapped inside a man’s body.
I gave up trying to figure out what they’re talking about. It’s just kept making less and less sense.
Vagina Bowl 2007- I don’t think I played in that one.
I can’t believe you’re not annoyed by yourself…It’s okay, I’m used to it.
As I recall, Rachel has been nothing but a nuisance.
I had to get jumped in the afternoon. I felt pretty stupid.
That Janine she’s a chatterbox.
Carl’s a humper.
I can be anything I want to be, and I want to be a pelican.
What’s that in the road, a seat cushion? It’s Carl!
If they’re gonna be neutral they should be the Swiss.
We totally got slaughtered by the Milk Chocolates last night.
What’s with the “Watch For Children” sign? What are you supposed to do if you see one? Is there a Child Watching Station?
Naturally I stole the idea. A couple weeks ago, a group of us (6 Iowans, 2 “others”) spent the weekend in a cabin on the Oregon coast. Here’s what happened according to the journal:
It can be over…
Jenga!
He’s like the white guy Eminem…
Gopher Gruel, Urine Luck
Do you know why I fucked up that breakfast so badly? Because you’re a fuckup.
There’s a lot of shit going on in Guatemala right now…oh wait, you’re not talking about that are you?
It tastes like…what was that flavor I just had? Chunk of rainbow! Franzia! It’s a bagel that tastes like box wine.
Set your asses free
I thought she was cute but apparently I had my shit glasses on.
It’s very suspicious when someone walks into a bathroom and says “It smells good in here.”
She was wearing potpourri underwear.
It’s gonna be the best grumper later.
Carl’s making a pretty pile right now.
That one had a little extra JengaLubeâ on it.
Can I touch your yarn?
I love how you feel like you can breathe fire.
Andrew has a big wooden tower between his legs
Hos go home!
I’d definitely blow my head off.
Today I’m going to snap.
I think he just blew a wad of jizz through his horn.
Everything was fine until Carl entered the kitchen and dropped his sausage in the pan.
Those birds don’t like boxed wine.
Look at this little dickey thing you have coming out.
Have you guys ever been to Lake Iowa? This looks just like Lake Iowa.
Andrew’s for rent. I don’t think you guys can afford me.
I will fashion a rope of your hair…your back hair.
It’s Patrick…with flippers and a beer.
Oh it’s Ken Kesey in bird form…or, that’s not Ken Kesey, it’s a bird.
My hand is cleaner than Andrew’s weiner
My left breast has been hanging out for half the day.
Who isn’t cute playing the mandolin? Manson?
She had her shit goggles on a lot.
You wouldn’t know it now but she was super hot back then.
You look beautiful tonight…these are very special moments…I wish you were wearing lingerie…If I were a lonely cowboy….(Carl to Andrew)
I’m expressing myself right now.
How many nipples does a soybean have?
He’s a tick magnet. Yeah, ticks dig me, man!
Lactating men are bad.
Her specialty is imitating the sound of broken glass- MBWEEE!!!
I smell citrus. Did you shit?
I’m gonna cry my blues away (Robert Johnson)
Completely my favorite. Much better. Sucky.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before- What the fuck is wrong with this starfish?
I didn’t pass out! Was I snoring?
Bruccuchaa, toochi. da poodieaman; techacheet o-muchie-arriba! Brubiega-ha ma chu ta.
I lost my tongue on a tetherball pole.
The eternal dusk of gerbils in Carl’s anus
It’s a man nipple- It’s a mipple.
Just yank it out there
Everybody else is getting blueberry I’m getting dinglebery
Ann “Makes the sun want to stay in bed” Steffen
He has a very girly thing going on
If it was fake it would be…bigger
Sandy touched your work
Look- I have a hole in my crotch. Well that’s going in the book! I have a knot in mine.
He just made a bicycle out of chewing gum, a rubber band and a tampon.
Who does it to Enya? Who what to Enya?
This is like Ray Charles playing Jenga
Sweet hair tattoo!
I’m a lucky girl. Why, because your husband has huge pancakes?
Are you sitting down? No, I’m just going to pass some gas.
Might have been a uniball
When he told you how his dick got crooked it was like ahh!
That’s not the showerhead screaming right now. That’s Jeremy. It’s like a dental drill in there.
I smell what you’re stepping in.
She was hoping for a Sandy Sandwich
Tornado Jenga. Avant-garde Jenga. Jenga-style Kung Fu. Thanks comma jerkoff. White belt Jenga.
Use the magnifying glass much? Only in the shower.
The Way of the Jenga.
Imagine two young men out in the middle of summer
Jake’s playing Jenga with notecards.
When what you’re throwing is bigger than the target there’s a problem.
Are you putting my pen in your toes?
I’ve got some sweet Jenga moves. It’s pretty much my favorite game.
You’re hairy- I like it.
What is Carl doing right now? Getting squished by two hot chicks.
That went on for about 30 seconds too long.
It’s amazing that spider can hold on with such strong winds! He just talks! Did you see the spider though?
One word sums it up. I think I just peed my pants a little bit. Your lap is super absorbent. Sitting on your lap is like wearing a diaper.
Jesus is pretty much my favorite baby.
You look like a late, fat Elvis. I meant your weiner! It’s a pen!
You just made me fart! Would you rather I gave you a tweety twister? Tweety twister? I just made that up, but I was going for a titty twister and you pushed my hand lower.
You’re getting bigger- in some respects.
My penis is more like a vagina on a stick
You’re poop. Oh yeah, well you’re an asshole and that’s where poop comes from.
The conversation’s going south in a hurry.
I hope Jeremy’s still alive. Me too. I don’t really care.
Someone just needs to push him off the cliff and we’ll all be happier.
Now he’s dancing? Is that what you call that?
Up, up- a little to the right- now turn it- oh yeah oh yeah my cracker! I got so excited….
My penis is really, really small. I know…that’s too bad….
They’re talking to the birds now. They really were talking to the birds!
I found out today that I’m a pelican trapped inside a man’s body.
I gave up trying to figure out what they’re talking about. It’s just kept making less and less sense.
Vagina Bowl 2007- I don’t think I played in that one.
I can’t believe you’re not annoyed by yourself…It’s okay, I’m used to it.
As I recall, Rachel has been nothing but a nuisance.
I had to get jumped in the afternoon. I felt pretty stupid.
That Janine she’s a chatterbox.
Carl’s a humper.
I can be anything I want to be, and I want to be a pelican.
What’s that in the road, a seat cushion? It’s Carl!
If they’re gonna be neutral they should be the Swiss.
We totally got slaughtered by the Milk Chocolates last night.
What’s with the “Watch For Children” sign? What are you supposed to do if you see one? Is there a Child Watching Station?
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