Camping Journal

Many years ago, my friend Risa got a camping journal in which you were supposed to record the details of your camping trips. It had lines for what the campsite was like, what food you ate, etc. Risa took the idea one step further, and when we (along with groups of Iowans and occasional un-Iowan friends now living on the west coast) used to get together once a year for our “Great Iowan Campout,” we would use the journal to write down every clever, witty or (especially) perverted thing that was said. The journal got passed around so over time everyone ended up contributing whatever they heard and deemed suitable for the journal. Read back later, the fact that our hastily recorded ramblings made little sense made them only funnier. My personal favorite lines are the ones that were perfectly innocent originally but sound really perverse read back out of context.

Naturally I stole the idea. A couple weeks ago, a group of us (6 Iowans, 2 “others”) spent the weekend in a cabin on the Oregon coast. Here’s what happened according to the journal:

It can be over…
Jenga!
He’s like the white guy Eminem…
Gopher Gruel, Urine Luck
Do you know why I fucked up that breakfast so badly? Because you’re a fuckup.
There’s a lot of shit going on in Guatemala right now…oh wait, you’re not talking about that are you?
It tastes like…what was that flavor I just had? Chunk of rainbow! Franzia! It’s a bagel that tastes like box wine.
Set your asses free
I thought she was cute but apparently I had my shit glasses on.
It’s very suspicious when someone walks into a bathroom and says “It smells good in here.”
She was wearing potpourri underwear.
It’s gonna be the best grumper later.
Carl’s making a pretty pile right now.
That one had a little extra JengaLubeâ on it.
Can I touch your yarn?
I love how you feel like you can breathe fire.
Andrew has a big wooden tower between his legs
Hos go home!
I’d definitely blow my head off.
Today I’m going to snap.
I think he just blew a wad of jizz through his horn.
Everything was fine until Carl entered the kitchen and dropped his sausage in the pan.
Those birds don’t like boxed wine.
Look at this little dickey thing you have coming out.
Have you guys ever been to Lake Iowa? This looks just like Lake Iowa.
Andrew’s for rent. I don’t think you guys can afford me.
I will fashion a rope of your hair…your back hair.
It’s Patrick…with flippers and a beer.
Oh it’s Ken Kesey in bird form…or, that’s not Ken Kesey, it’s a bird.
My hand is cleaner than Andrew’s weiner
My left breast has been hanging out for half the day.
Who isn’t cute playing the mandolin? Manson?
She had her shit goggles on a lot.
You wouldn’t know it now but she was super hot back then.
You look beautiful tonight…these are very special moments…I wish you were wearing lingerie…If I were a lonely cowboy….(Carl to Andrew)
I’m expressing myself right now.
How many nipples does a soybean have?
He’s a tick magnet. Yeah, ticks dig me, man!
Lactating men are bad.
Her specialty is imitating the sound of broken glass- MBWEEE!!!
I smell citrus. Did you shit?
I’m gonna cry my blues away (Robert Johnson)
Completely my favorite. Much better. Sucky.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before- What the fuck is wrong with this starfish?
I didn’t pass out! Was I snoring?
Bruccuchaa, toochi. da poodieaman; techacheet o-muchie-arriba! Brubiega-ha ma chu ta.
I lost my tongue on a tetherball pole.
The eternal dusk of gerbils in Carl’s anus
It’s a man nipple- It’s a mipple.
Just yank it out there
Everybody else is getting blueberry I’m getting dinglebery
Ann “Makes the sun want to stay in bed” Steffen
He has a very girly thing going on
If it was fake it would be…bigger
Sandy touched your work
Look- I have a hole in my crotch. Well that’s going in the book! I have a knot in mine.
He just made a bicycle out of chewing gum, a rubber band and a tampon.
Who does it to Enya? Who what to Enya?
This is like Ray Charles playing Jenga
Sweet hair tattoo!
I’m a lucky girl. Why, because your husband has huge pancakes?
Are you sitting down? No, I’m just going to pass some gas.
Might have been a uniball
When he told you how his dick got crooked it was like ahh!
That’s not the showerhead screaming right now. That’s Jeremy. It’s like a dental drill in there.
I smell what you’re stepping in.
She was hoping for a Sandy Sandwich
Tornado Jenga. Avant-garde Jenga. Jenga-style Kung Fu. Thanks comma jerkoff. White belt Jenga.
Use the magnifying glass much? Only in the shower.
The Way of the Jenga.
Imagine two young men out in the middle of summer
Jake’s playing Jenga with notecards.
When what you’re throwing is bigger than the target there’s a problem.
Are you putting my pen in your toes?
I’ve got some sweet Jenga moves. It’s pretty much my favorite game.
You’re hairy- I like it.
What is Carl doing right now? Getting squished by two hot chicks.
That went on for about 30 seconds too long.
It’s amazing that spider can hold on with such strong winds! He just talks! Did you see the spider though?
One word sums it up. I think I just peed my pants a little bit. Your lap is super absorbent. Sitting on your lap is like wearing a diaper.
Jesus is pretty much my favorite baby.
You look like a late, fat Elvis. I meant your weiner! It’s a pen!
You just made me fart! Would you rather I gave you a tweety twister? Tweety twister? I just made that up, but I was going for a titty twister and you pushed my hand lower.
You’re getting bigger- in some respects.
My penis is more like a vagina on a stick
You’re poop. Oh yeah, well you’re an asshole and that’s where poop comes from.
The conversation’s going south in a hurry.
I hope Jeremy’s still alive. Me too. I don’t really care.
Someone just needs to push him off the cliff and we’ll all be happier.
Now he’s dancing? Is that what you call that?
Up, up- a little to the right- now turn it- oh yeah oh yeah my cracker! I got so excited….
My penis is really, really small. I know…that’s too bad….
They’re talking to the birds now. They really were talking to the birds!
I found out today that I’m a pelican trapped inside a man’s body.
I gave up trying to figure out what they’re talking about. It’s just kept making less and less sense.
Vagina Bowl 2007- I don’t think I played in that one.
I can’t believe you’re not annoyed by yourself…It’s okay, I’m used to it.
As I recall, Rachel has been nothing but a nuisance.
I had to get jumped in the afternoon. I felt pretty stupid.
That Janine she’s a chatterbox.
Carl’s a humper.
I can be anything I want to be, and I want to be a pelican.
What’s that in the road, a seat cushion? It’s Carl!
If they’re gonna be neutral they should be the Swiss.
We totally got slaughtered by the Milk Chocolates last night.
What’s with the “Watch For Children” sign? What are you supposed to do if you see one? Is there a Child Watching Station?