Children

I’m not going to have kids. Some people seem rather shocked at this, but I have never been given a good reason why anybody should have children. If you have one (a reason, not a kid), I’d love to hear it. I have compiled a list of excuses I’ve heard for procreating along with my explanations as to why those reasons suck.

(1) "They bring meaning and happiness to your life"
This is the reason I hear most, and I do think most people have kids because they are unhappy, disillusioned and unfulfilled individuals who need something to distract them from their own reality. So they create another reality, a kid, with the hope that it won’t grow up to be as miserable as they are. This cycle tends to repeat itself from one generation to the next, which in itself demonstrates the absurdity of the logic. If you’re so bored, why don’t you cultivate your personality or get a hobby instead of bringing another into your miserable existence?

(2) "In order to populate the earth with humans."
Dude, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but the earth is already over-populated with humans. It doesn’t need and can barely handle any more.

I will never see what people think is so great about Homo sapiens. The only things I can think of that we can do better than other creatures on earth are paint realistically and make diverse tools. I don’t see how those things make us worthy of continued existence. I mean, haven’t we produced enough paintings and devised enough tools by now? If anything else determines them worth saving, they will continue to be around for awhile after we’re gone. It’s more likely that once we’re gone, they won’t matter at all and will be essentially useless, so nothing will care whether they remain or not.

(3) "Having kids is our purpose in life."
Our purpose is to destroy the planet with over-population and over-consumption?

One thing that really annoys me is the so-called “environmentally-conscious mother.” That’s an oxymoron. I’m not fooled into thinking you care about the planet just because you use washable diapers. If you cared about humans destroying the place, you wouldn’t be adding them to it.

(4) "My kid is the most important thing in my life."
It better be. After all, out of shear necessity since he (or she but I’m not gonna keep qualifying; it muddies up the page) is basically totally dependent upon you until he gets a driver’s license, you are the most important thing in his life. And since his existence is entirely your fault, you have a duty to reciprocate, or if you are unable to do so, give him to someone who can. For me, however, the most important thing in my life is whatever the heck I want it to be.

(5) "I feel a compulsion to have kids."
Just because you have a compulsion to do something, that certainly doesn’t mean you should act on it. If I did everything I felt like doing I would surely be in jail right now. Be an adult and show some restraint! If you want a kid, adopt. There are millions of unwanted kids out there hoping for parents. What percentage of them do you think exist because their parents were following their compulsions?

(6) "Sometimes these things just happen by accident."
In this country, thankfully, the only way to have a child by accident is to not realize you are pregnant, so that’s just a bull crap excuse. Don’t get on your moral high horse with me, either. Teach those lies to your gullible kid. Surely there is no more regrettable decision than deciding to spend the next sixteen years or more of your life taking care of some whiny brat.

(7) "Kids are so much fun!"
Kids are fun to play with for maybe a half-hour. The problem is, they expect you to be playing with them every moment they aren’t expecting to be fed, crying, hurt, sleeping or shitting themselves. The times I am most exposed to kids are at restaurants and grocery stores, and 24 out of 25 of these parents seem stressed out and frantic. Not my idea of fun. Besides, almost everything I enjoy doing shouldn’t be done in the presence of children and the rest is certainly more enjoyable without them.

I’ve heard parents say that the most enjoyable part of their day is when their kid is sleeping. They might be joking, but I doubt it. Guess what? Not having a kid is exactly like having a kid that sleeps 24 hours a day.

(8) "They are so cute."
Whatever; so are my cats. And my cats will never reach puberty.

(9) "It’s amazing watching them grow."
You’ll be pretty amazed when your kid grows up to be a serial rapist. Isn’t it suspicious that every parent thinks their kid is, should be and will be better than all other kids? I assume my kid would be a hellion.

I would love to quantify the amount of time parents spend discouraging their kids from doing something relative to the amount of time they spend encouraging them to continue doing something. Parents spend more time protecting their kids from potential hazards (real and imagined) than they do watching them grow. I don’t need or want that kind of responsibility. I prefer watching myself and my friends grow. We do so at our own peril.

(10) "They look up to you."
Are you really that much of a loser that you need to create something with basically no individual thought that is completely dependent upon you to get any respect?

(11) "You can teach them to play baseball and go camping."
This does seem enticing since being taught these things by my dad are some of my favorite childhood memories. It turns out, however, that you can teach and do these things with your peers as well. I’ve been teaching my girlfriend to play baseball for the last two years. She doesn’t ask my “Why?” nearly as much as a kid would, and she’s less likely than a child to resent me for it later.

As a side note, whenever I meet anybody that has never been camping, I immediately think, “What kind of fucked up upbringing did you have?” Any parent that does not teach their children to survive and enjoy life without technology is depriving them of a vital part of humanity as far as I’m concerned. We are already far too dependent upon our own tools.

(12) "You can dress them up in cute outfits."
Okay, that's just weird. Buy yourself a doll- you can dress it up all you want and it will never complain about your taste.

(13) "I have good genes."
Who are you, Hitler? Never trust anybody who thinks their genes are superior.

I’ll never get the “keeping the family name alive” mentality. Why the hell would I care who shares my last name after I’m dead? I don’t care now. I mean, it’s not like I was disappointed about there being one less Wilshusen when my sister got married and changed her last name.

(14) "I need someone to help work in the fields."
Yeah, slave labor- that’s a good idea. Basically the government encourages child birth in order to increase their labor and military forces. Well, there’s something for every child to look forward to.

(15) "Aren’t you grateful your parents had you?"
Although I have little choice but to respect my parent's decision to bring me here (I have great parents, by the way), nothing good or bad can be said about having not been born. Having no thoughts, no experience and nothing to do sounds alright to me. The only times I have not looked forward to death are when I've been in the middle of a project that I don't want to leave unfinished.

(16) "Life is a miracle!"
Anything that happens a half-million times a day is not a miracle; it’s an epidemic.