Revisionist creationism

Since the beginning of time the immortal angels had flown freely throughout the universe. The angels had never had any needs or known any wants. Then, inexplicably, one of them became vain. He wanted to be noticed by the other angels. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to notice him or be noticed.

This vain angel decided he would make himself noticed. He contemplated for many millennia upon what to do, until finally he realized the most obvious way of making others notice him would be for him to communicate with them. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to communicate.

The vain angel opened his mouth- a mouth that no angel had ever been used before- and spoke. He said, “I.” The word filled the entire universe. Suddenly, all of the angels took notice. They gathered together and, for the first time, communicated. They talked amongst themselves for many millennia, until the vain angel concluded they had forgotten about him and the gift he had bestowed.

The vain angel decided he would find another way of making himself noticed. He contemplated for many millennia upon what to do, until finally he decided he would show off his strength. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to use their strength.

The vain angel reached out his arms- arms that no angel had ever used before- and tore the universe in half. He called one half Heaven, meaning “above,” and the other half Earth, meaning “below.” Again, all the angels took notice. Some of them flew away into Heaven and some of them flew away into Earth. The vain angel, left alone between the two, concluded they had forgotten about him and the gift he bestowed.

The vain angel decided he would find yet another way of making himself noticed. He contemplated for many millennia upon what to do, until finally he decided he would demonstrate his cunning. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to be cunning.

The vain angel thought with his mind- a mind no angel had ever used before- and invented light. He separated Earth into light and dark. The angels took notice. Some of them flew away into the light and some of them into the dark.

Realizing that he would soon be left alone and forgotten as before, the vain angel grew impatient. Because they had no needs or wants, no angel had ever been impatient. Without thinking at all, he decided to make a judgment. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to judge.

The vain angel declared the light better than the dark, saying “The light is good.” Blindly believing this decree, the angels began flying into the light. But now that a judgment had been made, another angel realized he could also make a judgment. It occurred to him the vain angel’s judgment had been arbitrary, and he challenged it.

The two angels began arguing, and it soon accelerated into a fight. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never argued or fought. The vain angel molded the light he had invented into a ball of fire and hurled it at the challenging angel. The fireball burnt the challenging angel’s entire body so that it turned black and scaly, but not before the he crafted a round, reflective shield which reflected some of the fire back and burnt off the vain angel’s wings.

Some of the other angels began taking sides. After many millennia of fighting, a truce was declared. The vain angel and his followers would inhabit the area of light on Earth, henceforth lit by the fireball called the sun. The other angel and his followers would inhabit the area of darkness on Earth, forever protected by the shield called the moon. The angels who had remained neutral would inhabit Heaven.

Mockingly, the vain angel called the challenging angel Lucifer, meaning “angel of light.” The vain angel thought there could be no greater insult than to name the angel after what he seemed to so vehemently dislike. In retaliation, Lucifer called the vain angel Jehovah, meaning “he who is nobody.” Lucifer realized there was no greater insult than to name the vain angel after what he so profoundly feared. Jehovah was angry. Because they had no needs or wants, no angel had ever been angry. In his anger, he tore the Earth into sky, land and sea.

Jehovah vainly feared the only thing the other angels would notice about him was that he could no longer fly. Because they had no needs or wants, no angel had ever been afraid. Jehovah realized what he wanted was not to be noticed, but to be respected. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to show respect or be respected. He contemplated for many millennia upon what to do, until finally he determined that if he wanted others to respect him, he would have to create others which were lesser beings than him. He would make them needy and wanting, which meant in part that they would have to be mortal. Reconsidering his most recent decision which had caused a war and cost him his wings, he would also make them unable to make judgments.

Jehovah invented all kinds of living plants, but they did not notice or respect Jehovah. Jehovah invented all kinds of living animals, and they noticed but did not respect Jehovah. Finally, Jehovah invented man, making man to look just like himself. Man noticed and respected Jehovah.

In order to make him feel inferior to Jehovah and therefore respect him, Jehovah called the man Adam, which means “piece of dirt.” Because he could not make judgments, Adam did whatever Jehovah asked of him. Jehovah rewarded and impressed him by creating someone that Adam could rule; a woman. In order to make her feel indebted to Jehovah and Adam and therefore respect them, Adam called the woman “Eve,” which means “lucky to be alive.”

Because they could not make judgments, Adam and Eve did whatever Jehovah asked, so Jehovah made them his slaves. They worked hard and grew a magnificent garden for Jehovah. Never realizing they could take care of themselves, Adam and Eve remained completely dependent upon Jehovah for him to meet their every need.

Jehovah got bored. Because they had no needs or wants, no angel had ever been bored. He realized that since they could not make judgments, Adam and Eve could have no opinion of him. Jehovah realized what he wanted was not to be noticed or respected, but to be loved. Because they had no needs or wants, the angels had never had any reason to love or be loved. Although he contemplated about it for many millennia, Jehovah didn’t know what to do to be loved.

In order to amuse himself, Jehovah smugly created a tree that would enable Adam and Eve to be immortal and another tree that would enable them to make judgments for themselves. Then he lied to Adam and Eve to confuse them, and told them if they ate from the tree that would enable them to make judgments they would die. Because they had no needs or wants, no angel had ever lied. He slyly did not mention to them the tree that would make them immortal.

Jehovah was curious to find out whether Adam and Eve respected him enough to believe his lie. Jehovah hoped that even if they ate from the tree and became able to judge, they would be overwhelmed with guilt and feel obliged to love him. Jehovah needed an accomplice in order to put Adam and Eve to the test. With nowhere else to turn, Jehovah desperately contacted his enemy Lucifer. Pretending to make amends but hoping to avenge himself, Lucifer agreed to help Jehovah toy with Adam and Eve.

Lucifer entered the light and approached Adam and Eve. As a result of being burned by Jehovah, Lucifer looked like a dragon. He told them the truth; that that tree would not kill them but enable them to make judgments. Because they could not make judgments, Adam and Eve did not know what to do or who to believe. Finally, Adam told Eve to try some fruit from the tree, not really caring what happened to her one way or the other. As always, she did what he asked.

Eve didn’t die, but she did gain the ability to judge. She realized that Jehovah had lied and Lucifer had told the truth. She also realized Jehovah had been taking advantage of them. She told Adam to eat from the fruit so he could judge these things for himself, and he did. Jehovah had been gleefully watching these events while hiding in a nearby marijuana field. Now he revealed himself and demanded, “What have you done?”

Adam and Eve determined that, although Jehovah had used and disrespected him, they did owe him their lives. They humbly asked him how they could make recompense. Suddenly, Jehovah pounced on Lucifer and ripped off his legs. Knowing it was wrong but not caring, Adam and Eve joined in to help. They ripped off Lucifer’s wings and arms. But Lucifer managed to bite Jehovah’s face with his sharp teeth, puncturing both of his eyes. Then with a fling of his long neck he tossed Jehovah into Heaven.

From that day until now, Jehovah has been trapped in Heaven, flightless and blind; unable to help or harm the descendants of Adam and Eve. He remains surrounded by neutral angels who don’t notice, respect or love him at all. The angels in the light and the angels in the dark do as they please with no needs or wants, but nobody knows what has become of Lucifer, who surely looks like a snake. The descendents of Adam and Eve have, for the most part, forgotten about the two trees in the garden, that even according to the Bible Jehovah lied and that humans have the ability to judge for themselves.