Camping Journal III

Excerpts from a camping trip with friends a few weeks back. I hadn’t realized my camping journal was almost full, so I spent the weekend running around looking for scraps of paper to write on or trying to remember what was said until something was found. Upon review, it seems the funny stuff all got forgotten....


That shirt is too tight around my chest.
Give it to Sandy.
The small boob jokes aren’t going to make sense until Ann gets here.

Oh my god; my ass is numb!
Really? We haven’t even started!

Had that old after the beer shoot the shit.

Those people weren’t enjoying my jokes at all.
Just tell them, “Your life is in my hands. Laugh or die.”

The lady on my boat was a parole officer. Jeremy might know her.

Have there been people born with horns?

The best thing about Carl is his parents.
They might be the best thing about me as well.

Chaco’s are hard on me.

Somebody somewhere knows how many sperm are in a teaspoon.
How many are in your mouth?

It’s a $40 t-shirt.
Is it pee resistant?

It’s pretty; I’d like to eat it.

This river is wet!

They eat some of the kids.
Sloppy Joe’s on the menu every Friday. Do they have to give the last names, though?

Are girls harder?
Boys are harder several times a day.

I love the weenies.

If it’s something they’re saying over and over again about your vagina they’ll get in trouble for it.

She’s a task-ks master

Who’s marionberry? Isn’t he the mayor or something?

Are you aware that you have a pencil in your pants?

I only heard mulberries and ass.

I’m on medication.
It’s not that funny.
It might be in a few hours.

The Missionary position reminded me of this:

I’m having puppies!
Why, did she do a dog?

No one really laughed on the boat today- again.
They thought it was funny eventually.

God loves raspberries. Who doesn’t?
Communists, that’s who.

Size does matter, it turns out.
I took that personally.
I knew you would.

White gas reminds me of my childhood.

Strip poker- I win even if I lose. Show up naked. There’s no place to go but up.
Dress poker?

Everybody panic!
No death’s cool.

Do “your mom” jokes ever make sense?
Sometimes and then it’s a zinger.

What do you want from me? I’ve already had half a bottle of whiskey.
My expectations were already low.

Next time you kill me, would you give me a little more notice?

She has an acupuncturist. I have a polygrapher. That’s what keeps the relationship alive.

Are you writing down the polygamy?

Sticky like the McGregors.
It came from Marshalltown; of course it’s sticky.

I can’t put it in the hole.
That’s what she said.

I am going to go talk to your mom about raping buses.

There’s a pretty healthy, um, didn’t mean to look….

That little fricker fricked me!
Oh, yeah, Carl will help you.

That guy at the campsite next to us reminds me of my dad.
A homosexual?

Thank you I like coconuts. They smell like, when drying in the sun, like tarter sauce.

No Tourret’s for me thank you.

My joy factory hurts.
You shouldn’t do that with your joy factory.
My joy factory’s exploding.

Would it be okay if I said out loud that Carl’s an asshole and Ann’s a bitch?

There’s a lot of good things about Portland but Carl’s not one of them.

I just figured out your husband’s the luckiest man ever! He’s got a four-legged pussy, a three legged pussy and a two-legged pussy.

His name’s Romaine.
Is he a noodle?
He’s lettuce, dipshit, get it right.

All I’d use a camera phone for would be to take pictures of my cats and other pussies in compromising positions.

He’s in alcohol’s hammock right now.

Just let me know when I’m overwhelming.

He can’t even say the word without having sex with it.

Careful, Andrew’s recording your every word.

Okay, now I can officially call you a douche bag.

It was the other seasonal staff; the control side. There was something growing in that crew.

It was a Swiss Army vehicle.
It was invisible.
Wonder Woman drove it.

If you can land it in this donut I’ll give you $1.50 and the donut.

Smile like a donut.
Artistically?
Grrooss

Aww you’re such a snugglepuss. Oh wait, now I’m just being molested.

All roads are a crossroads- sometimes you just don’t see the intersection.

Spaniards are hairy and they stink.

Why save the money when you can buy booze with it?

I like pet parades.

Pitch spork.

What would you like to do ideally?
Murder spree.

One man’s junk is another man’s coffee creamer.

Oh look he’s giving the puppy-dog face.
That gave me the creepy chills.

What do you call, no, who can you do, no, wait, how does it go?

Fucking goat heads.

Smells like up-dog.

Smells like good fooking.

It’s ambiguous day!

It rikas.

Why does the southwest have to be so far away?

I wish you squeezed me like that.
Lay down on the bench, baby.

Show ‘em your metal, dude.

Just think; they could be sitting here doing nothing right now.

Buy a new cheese, dude.

Ain’t much doin’ down here in Maupin.

Want me to tell you a story?
Will it be about a small animal dying?
Probably.

That is a whole lot more math than I am prepared to do right now.

They always fuck our plans up whether they’re jogging or not.

I would be kinda anti-climactical for you maybe.

If you’re heading towards the put-in….

Pardon my use of the word, but this is retarded.
In this case the word is entirely appropriate.

What’s scat?

I forgot about doggy-style.
Someone needs a reminder.

Crapbag Quilters.

A tattoo of a trout jumping at your worm…

I can’t believe you didn’t make a penis joke out of that.

Can you tell me what kind of wood this is?

The Sky Chairs are impressively comfortable.
They must be- they’re expensive and ugly.
No, you’re talking about the girls in the chairs.

Let me try it once. Here, hold my thing here.

Bingo therapy.

Andrew, why do you have one up and one down?

Everybody act synonymous.

Face and nuts; legs and arms- things that enter the body.

Are you deep-throating that flask?

Ahh, snuggle

It’s not as sexy coming from you.

My balls slapping the water don’t make as much noise as Jeremy’s.

Half of what I say is making fun of Carl.

Sprouts are dirty.

You’re the #1 cause of everything awful.

You get HIV from sprouts.

Carl, I’d like you to know that I have Asperger’s.
Ass burgers are gross.

You smell like fried cod. It’s a little Marshalltownesque.

Why are you touching my penis?
It’s wet.

No, don’t whip it out.
It barely whips.
If I trim my pubes it looks a lot longer.

Flask-on-flask action.

You’ve got to slow down, man; get more particular.

I like the forced pacing…
With your mom.

Get more what? Pussy?

What is wrong with you, girl?
Want a list?
Yes.
Your mother, the Pope, capitalism, I keep hanging out with you for some reason….

There’s that guy with the wet crotch area.

You didn’t see that, did you? Stop staring at me!

You need more paper.
I’ll be good; you guys aren’t that funny.

Serviceable, like your mom.

I wrote my mom. Doesn’t work the same. “Oh yeah, so’s my mom, oh wait….”

You’re fucking, girl.

Crying is the only way I can ever get laid.

When I die I want to become a Native American Spirit.
Jeremy always has My Mom withdrawl.

There’s high schoolers checking out my booze.

Hey, want to talk about composting toilets?
Uh, sure.

I don’t mind gelatinous and creamy.

Is that real?
It’s really in my hand about to enter your chest.

Please don’t start making out with your own arm.

Call me buddy once.
Buddyonce

I’m not in the mood, D bag.

A little Dirty Bird will do ya.

I hope that you’re Sandy because if you’re not, she’s right inside.

Don’t tear it; we owe double if you tear it.

This could have been a bereavement meal.
Andrew didn’t die, I’m a little bereaved about that.

This wouldn’t be a problem if we were in Mulligan’s in Cedar Falls.

She’s totally gonna hiccup!

Dustin Hoffman and your mom.

Tastes like rotten chicken.
Bubbly!

He’s already smashed his nuts once but I didn’t do it.

The power of pear.

Prower to the people. Fuck ‘em.

What do you do, upchuck in a womanly way?

Your bag has a boner.
That’s not what I said.
I know but I’m funnier than you.

Are you cheering for your own demise?

We couldn’t tell if it was your ass cheeks or your arms.

Flying Jesus, indeed.

I like to wear herpes.
Oh Sandy, can I smell like you tonight?
Ooh, I get to smell by me tonight too.

Do you guys know where I live?
No.
Good.

I’m an Egyptian Goddess.
That doesn’t seem like something you should have to announce.

Carl, does Maupin make you sick or is it just Abby?

They’re dirty like your mom.

Why buy something for $90 if you don’t love it?
Like a hooker.

Agave Maria

Carl, are you aroused? Oh shit, I’ll be right back….

Something about La Playa.

Everything alright in there?
Uh, yep, he’s aroused.

I don’t have a dick. Well I do, but I’m not that attached to it.

Didn’t you take sex ed.? Yes, but it wasn’t that thorough.

What do you do in that situation?
Well, I usually just play with my own penis.

I though you were a female alien. You eat in that hole? I’m sorry.

Carl’s funny; you’re annoying.

On the plus side, it makes me rub my boobs.
I love heartburn all of a sudden.

Also, you’re missing all of my funny jokes.
No I haven’t, I’m still waiting.

By lantern, I mean your mother.
Wah wah lost.

Andrew’s face is ugh.

I filled it, so now I’m filling random other things.

Nice spatulation.
Let’s spatulate.

Renewing my bowels? Vowels?

Axe- Lady Repellant.

Jesus walked on water- the son of Jesus could read.

The son of Jesus is like the son of Godzilla.

I’M HILARIOUS!

Cotton kills!

How deep is that there?
We can all see it’s pretty deep. It’s a little inappropriate to ask when she’s in that position. You should probably just find out for yourself.

First Abby humped the boat, now it’s Sandy’s turn.

Hey Jeremy, want to do this?
Was she pointing at her crotch when she said that?

I almost got killed by a wooden stake, which is actually the only way you can kill me.

What makes you so growly?
I’m half bear.

Turn around- you look cute in your undies.

Everybody loses except for me- I still win.

Ann shoved me into a tree.
Then stop being an asshole.

You just did it by being hilarious.

How about a hug?
How about a fuck off?

I don’t know whether to shit or smile.
Or start stabbing.

Fun with Funnnies

The daughter of Jesus couldn’t read, she was illiterate.

I saw a beaver over there.
Was it Sandy’s?

Powdered cheese- is there anything better?

That cotton belt might be saving your knife right now but it will be taking your life later.

I need your squishy part to be longer.
Megs said she needs my squishy part to be longer.
No comment.

I was going to hold it above you and drop it into your abdomen. I’m sure it wouldn’t have hit any major organs.
Do you have any major organs?
Not anymore.

He can watch it for a long time because there’s a lot of action in there.
He should see my bedroom.

It’s funny because it’s a lie.

That snake is as big as mine.

I just realized I haven’t done a cartwheel in a skirt today!
Good, I want to stare at your vagina.

Have we really said that many funny things?
No.

My name is not Fisto.

I was going to say I love you, but nevermind.

Don’t worry- I have small appendages.

You make good furniture, but that’s about it.

What are you thinking about?
Your mom.

I forgot to bring my stethoscope. Now I don’t know whether you’re dead or not.