Camping Journal V

If we had an M-50 mounted on top of this car we could camp wherever the fuck we wanted.

Just throw it in that crack right there.
That’s what she said.

Well, this is fucking Maupin!

That bird is its own rap group.

Careful of that jewelry box; we don’t know what she considers jewelry- a partially polished turd…

Hopefully she wasn’t expecting any privacy with her friend that’s coming to visit tonight.

I walked in and thought, “That’s weird the front door’s unlocked,” and then some dude said, “Hi!”

Wow, more players than we knew.

I was trying to keep my hair out of my chewing. It was only partially successful. I’m gonna cough up a hairball tomorrow morning.

What? She’s making a cemetery?

Usually you want your gutters to be more horizontal.

We have contact with Dick.
I love having contact with Dick.

Good thing about Maupin: You’re never more than 50 feet from someone who will let you camp in their backyard.

Oregon: Thank god it’s beautiful because otherwise it’s worthless.

His parents were like, “There was this penguin that’s been every place and seen some things so they bring it from the trestles with a life jacket on and a helmet over its head and some cop cut it open and filled its boat with stuffing."

It was horrible- he had trucks and toilets back here.

Hopefully it’s a lot worse in the Enchantments.

I just want to cradle you for not being a knucklehead.

You're unusually agreeing, Andrew.
I'm sadly black man from the what?

There’s nothing pretty or interesting but this is getting pretty dull.

I was writing in the dark with a belly full of whisky, and things got illegible. Amazingly, I managed to decipher all but one line, which I have included in its original form. Let me know if you can figure it out!



I don’t know what else there is to do in Wasco County.

Either you gotta do this every day or never do it again.

The ‘bow was… retarded.

What were you guys talking about when I was in the tent and your reply was, “We’ll have to take a little spin.”?

Two dudes and a patrol boat spent five minutes with me for nothing.

Daddy Jeremy, buy us a cheese pizza!

I don’t want to be on a douche bag raft though.
Well then we can’t be on a raft with Andrew.

Dick is all about beer and ladies.

We’ll give it the old college fraternity try.

I think this campground’s full of tools.

Pay to listen to butt rock?

Dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick

Dick fishes in Blue Hole.

Your mom isn’t sealed.
She is broken.
I can’t hear you. Actually I can but I’m just not listening.

Step 1: Shave the patient.
Step 2: Make the boobs hang out.

Outhouse backsplash- worst thing ever.

That was tots awesome!

He’s a pentapus.
That just sounds pornographic.

His shirt is tucked into his crack.
That just made my whole trip.

Oh Jake you have the midget chair.
It’s the righteous chair.
Does this chair make me look fat?

I see my name. Is that the scorekeeping sheet? I thought you were writing something nasty about me.

I thought I heard my name.
I heard “gay.”
Yeah, that’s me.

Where’d you go, toonsins?

I lost my green nipple and everything.

I love coming from behind.
Oh now you just turned it dirty.

I want to capture the moment: Before 6 nieces. After 6 nieces.

“I felt like I was literally sitting on God’s front porch.”

Thanks for backing me up on that stupid ass statement.

That’s a little too close-up. I don’t want to see it that close.

All you have to do is roll the dice and lose to Sandy.

I’m going to keep saying, “Daddy Jeremy buy me a cheese pizza” until he actually does.
It would be easier to chop your head off with my hatchet.
I was gonna offer to buy you one to shut you up but if he’s willing to chop your head off even better.

You’ve been taking your cues from under the Burnside Bridge.

RIGHTEOUS DUDE BRAH

I’ve got the power of the drifter now.

WHOA!

Chips go well with chili.
That’s true, but it’s dangerous on your jeans.

This parking lot is going to be nothing but chock full of reggae blaring cars.

I’m not a cracker connoisseur or anything but these are the greatest crackers of all time.

I’ll show you squeak, motherfucker.
Promise?

Those are the fat-girl-come-get-me pants.

We’ll flip for heads and tails.

I don’t know how you ever stopped at 800. That’s very un-Jake like.

I think the little fucker’s fucking with us. You being the other fucker.

That’s your excuse for everything.
It’s Maupin.

S’s are for aretards.

We’re almost there with the chili.
I’ve heard that before.

Andrew hearts death.

Ha you douched your pants.

Chip lifeguard- I need you.

There’s something hard in there.

Who won? Andrew? Damn it!
I like it when nice people win.

Why does Andrew do any of the things that he does?

I don’t want a chip in my crotch, thanks.
Beavers like chips too.

The sky’s really ugly right now.

I should stop with this chili.
That’s what Sandy’s thinking.

I see your lover’s intestines and I raise you one chip with four beans on it.

Hey Jeremy, where’s your tool?

I see a flying head.
No that’s just me.

That helps my loser ass.
Yeah it does.

I have so many fucking layers on right now.

We don’t mind if you puke on Jake.

You and God can go homo out together.
You’re complimenting God.
Right now, he wishes he was gay.

Wow that was worth the 18 ounces of gas.
Not to mention the gallon of gas it took to get Andrew’s flashlight here.
Your ass is gonna make a nice cap for your light.

I don’t know I was just trying to figure out whether I was looking at the sun or Andrew’s flashlight.

Everything in my hand and this one is not in my hand.

I am like patience encapsulated.
What is it a one-ounce vial?
I was being generous.

I am going to go write in my journal.
Do not invite Andrew camping ever.

Star gazing cancelled due to douche bag friend.

Until it’s waterlogged, duct-taped to your body on the bottom of the Deschutes.

I think Andrew’s just taking superfluous rolls now.

I was looking for squealing nieces. What’s wrong with that?

All I heard was split in three and your mom.
What else did you need to hear?

Your mom’s a mess after last night.

I love the sound of a generator first thing in the morning.

Should I go get a newspaper? ‘Cause you look like you could use one.

You might find kicking Sandy to be much more satisfying. Just an observation.

You lost your balls now that you’re sober?

They don’t say much when they’re unconscious.
You don’t police your mouth very well.

How many beers have you had?
Two.
You are an embarrassment to Maupin.

I could douche.
You could douche?
It’s French for shower.
Vagina shower!