Obsessions

I was on my second day of writing an essay in my head about my brother’s uncanny cleaning abilities before the realization that I’d been making a living because of my cleaning abilities for the past several years set in. Writing essays while I clean is a common activity. My “24-hour memory trick” is that I continuously repeat a paragraph in my head until I am content with the construction of it. Then, I add another paragraph and continuously repeat both. Finally, I stop repeating the first paragraph but instead add a third paragraph and repeat it with the second. This process will yield about two pages of type-written material that, for whatever reason, will reappear in my head when I wake up the next morning. If it is longer than that, I only remember bullet points and type those instead. Then the essay vanishes from my brain similar to how you remember a dream when you first wake up but forget it soon after.

This ability was useful for getting me through college, but it is frustrating to consider how smart I would be if it didn’t have a built-in lifespan. In order to preserve the information longer, I would need to continue to repeat it in my head, which seems unnecessarily tedious since I can just write it down. As it is, I can simply re-read what I’ve written and think, I don’t remember writing that! Physical activities, however, can’t be written down, and that might explain why I spent about 10 years of my life practicing drums a minimum of 6 hours a day. And that, in turn, might explain why I got really into the process of recording music for awhile, and why I often experienced a sense of surprise and excitement upon hearing my drumming on a recording and thinking, I don’t remember playing like that!

It’s really weird to discover something consistent or fundamental about one’s own personality. It’s even weirder to realize it’s clinically diagnosable.

Most people know about the condition called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, in which people obsessively repeat an activity. Lesser known is an altogether different condition known as Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, or OCPD, which is also called Anankastic personality disorder. (It is different than but sometimes confused with the more publicized of late Asperger syndrome.) OCPD is a genetic disorder that occurs in males more than females. The nutshell difference between OCD and OCPD is that, in the former and more familiar condition, a person mindlessly repeats a behavior they don’t find desirable, while in OCPD a person willfully adheres to a lifestyle that they consider laudable. Those with OCPD wouldn’t say that they “suffer” from it, precisely because from their point of view, others suffer from a lack of it.

One of the primary manifestations of OCPD is a preoccupation with remembering minute details which usually includes list-making. People with OCPD have what I would call a fear of losing, forgetting or overlooking details. I save my work after the completion of every single satisfactory sentence. (I just typed that sentence, hit Control-s, noticed I had left the “t” out of “sentence,” fixed it, and reached for Control-s again but decided to add this editorial first.) I’d suggest the overwhelming feature of OCPD is a profound annoyance with imprecision.

Starting a task can be intimidating because of the awareness that once you commit to doing so, you are going to fastidiously obsess over aspect of the job until it is completed. It is next to impossible not to become completely fascinated with a project or conviction. I’m sure I’m not the only one with OCPD that hates jigsaw puzzles because once one is started I can’t stop until every piece is found and put in its place. The other day I was talking to a friend about how when I see a movie I really like, I usually proceed to watch every movie that director made, and she replied, “I’ve always wanted to do that.” Hers is a completely different mentality than mine.

To prevent being overwhelmed by everything needing to be thoroughly finished, I am very good at breaking tasks into mini goals. When I reach the mini goal, I then have to muster the energy to continue with the overall task. I also have a strange habit of beginning several projects at once and then running back and forth trying to complete them all simultaneously. This is because it’s impossible to remain focused on one task without being distracted by the knowledge that there are others to be done. I’d wager OCPD is readily found amongst chefs.

Over-zealous cleanliness is actually a symptom only found in some with OCPD and is not a diagnostic criterion.

Another major symptom of OCPD is those with it are inflexible in their beliefs; in other words, dogmatic. I’m highly opinionated and value the ability of forming opinions. I can’t comprehend those you just say they “like” everything. But I’m always striving to perfect my opinions to be as accurate and precise as possible, which dogmatism doesn’t allow. In fact, I strongly believe in not being dogmatic, so go ahead and try wrapping your head around that paradox. It may be due to that quirk that, compared to most of my family, I seem to have a relatively mild case of OCPD. I do highly value integrity- being true to one’s word- which is perhaps another way of looking at the same thing. I am also incredibly punctual, loyal and stubborn. I don’t take advice on principle and can’t stand being micro-managed. I am also persistent- I don’t like last-minute changes in plans, never see the point in having or making back-up plans and will either refuse to quit or immediately quit entirely. I generally feel that my way of doing things is better than everyone else’s, unless it is a task that requires more expedience than precision, in which case I am jealous of others who can pull that off.

I love understanding and dissecting rules and I have spent countless hours researching rule nuances in various games and sports. I think one thing I appreciate most about sports is there is always, in the end, a winner and a loser. Dogmatism is commonly found in sports fans, and I am an obsessive soccer and baseball fan, but even then I don’t think my team is always superior to all others- I just want them to be. I can, however, be a bit of a grammar-Nazi (I deplore the gratuitous use of the word “Nazi,” finding it offensively trivializing, but can’t think of an appropriate substitute; striving to be as precise as possible).

Other common traits of OCPD are miserliness and hoarding tendencies. I don’t possess these nearly as much as others in my family, who tend to have refrigerators virtually empty except for old and rotten food. Then again, I can’t fathom those who don’t eat leftovers. I do have a tendency for collecting like items, but nothing trivial, which is again typical of OCPD. Incomplete, expensive or easy to obtain collections are too annoying. I’ve long wondered why everyone else doesn’t peruse every neighborhood thrift store once a week; it never occurred to me to wonder why I do. Also, I despise losing things, and could make a fairly complete list of everything I’ve ever lost. I took up disc golf a couple years ago, and it is similar to drumming in promoting an effort to control and perfect muscle mechanics with the added bonus of seeking to buy, used or on cheap on EBay, backup upon backup of discs I like in case one goes unfound after hours of searching.

People with OCPD are also often controlling, but I consider myself laissez-faire. I don’t have the energy to begin to analyze and critique every detail in somebody else’s life. I consider attempts to change others to behave like ourselves a surefire sign of insecurity. Being controlling also seems a waste of time, considering I tend to judge others on a continuum from uncommitted to lazy. I generally view most others as unreliable, and I can see how that could encourage a controlling nature in those that thought they themselves were reliable, but I’m skeptical of my own decision-making abilities. While I can be somewhat of a perfectionist, I don’t believe in perfection, and so it isn’t something I’d ever demand of anyone else.

People with OCPD tend to have few friends. In my case, I think this is because I don’t see the point of casual conversation and idle chat. And also because I generally come across as an overly-opinionated asshole. There is not much casual about me. I find the concept of relaxation befuddling. Why would anybody want to do that? I’m basically either passionate about something or ignorant of it.

Do obsessive people attract? I think they do, and I personally find my life has been filled with others with OCPD. I think it relates to the fundamental notion that people with OCPD believe their behaviors are desirable, and also because we have trouble relating to those without our convictions. Crazy like me is a good thing!