Being (an Introverted) Vegetarian

A couple weeks ago an employee meeting was held at my job, and fried chicken, mashed potatoes and turkey gravy and dinner rolls were served. After getting my food, I spied an empty table in the back corner of the room and headed that way, using my arm to partially shield my plate. Somehow, I managed to eat my mashed potatoes and roll with butter without anyone noticing that I am a vegetarian, which I am aware of because this conversation didn’t happen:

“Didn’t you get any fried chicken?”
“Why didn’t you get any gravy?”
“How long have you been a vegetarian?”
“I could never be a vegetarian because I like eating meat too much!”
“Are you okay with me eating the chicken?”
“You eat butter, though?”
“But butter is an animal product, isn’t it?”
“Do you eat fish?”
“Do you eat a lot of salad?”
“Can you eat French fries?”
“I’m practically a vegetarian myself.”

None of these questions/comments are that big of a deal in and of themselves, but it is kind of annoying to be quizzed on your food choices while you’re simply trying to eat. The truly obnoxious part comes later, when the person you had that conversation with makes a huge announcement and spectacle about you being a vegetarian anytime food is discussed or present. Being singled out as an anomaly that must be dealt with is both embarrassing and unnecessary. Suddenly, my eating habits create a huge amount of confusion over what everyone can eat, and others act as if I am incapable of avoiding meat unless none is present. Somehow, even though I have not asked anybody else about their eating habits, they are made to feel that I am judging them.

It would perhaps be helpful to consider if this were actually true and every time I sat down with someone eating meat, I spent the meal asking questions about their meat-eating habits. Of course, I would never do such a thing because it would be disrespectful and inappropriate. This would be the case even if I was “just curious” and didn’t know why they’d get so defensive. It’s simply impossible for a vegetarian to non-judgmentally learn about a meat-eater’s eating choices; the act of questioning a meat-eater about eating meat cannot be perceived as anything but hostile. The difference is that it’s relatively difficult to feign curiosity about eating meat.

Probably my eating habits are inviting as a conversation starter simply because they attract attention. Being a vegetarian in Iowa is unique. In this case, asking about it is simply rude. These are the type of adults who start a conversation with someone with a physical disability by saying, “So, do you have cerebral palsy?” It’s never a good idea to immediately acknowledge something that another wishes you would look beyond, so that’s only an excusable gaffe for children.

The easiest way for me to enter another’s shoes is to imagine eating with a gluten-free dieter. I only learned what gluten was about a year ago, and my default position was to assume the whole thing was a nonsense fad. I egocentrically project that incredulousness onto those questioning vegetarianism, which I am aware may not be fair. Oftentimes others are legitimately curious and confused about vegetarianism. The level of ignorance regarding what people consume is truly frightening, and honestly, the surest way of maintaining that ignorance is by never asking questions.

An advantage of writing things out is that it forces us to logically construct a cohesive rationale. This is both more difficult and flaw-revealing than rapid-fire queries around a dinner table. Sometimes, writing our thoughts forces us to encounter the short-comings in our assumptions. I’ll readily admit oftentimes when this happens whatever I was writing is sent to the “unpublished drafts” file and is never heard from again. However, an essay, as any conversation, should be something deeper than a demonstration of one’s competence or defense of one’s beliefs.

One personality type I have a very difficult time keeping up with is extroversion. Unlike extroverts, I am neither skillful at nor appreciative of mindless chatter. I don’t enjoy saying the first thing that comes to mind and attempting to come to agreement with everything another says. I instead take everything as literal, and dissect, analyze and critique it with prejudice. It does not occur to me that some people simply prefer to fill silence with yapping gums even while they are eating.

Another personality that utterly confounds me is that of people-pleasers. These types insist upon saying what they guess another wants to hear. They absolutely refuse to reveal their own perspective or opinion directly, but will usually not hesitate to spread gossip behind your back. These people seem to enjoy the skill of trying to guess what others are thinking, which I am horrible at. Once these people have convinced themselves of something, it is very difficult to change their mind. This is because the possibility that someone could be telling them what they literally mean doesn’t occur to them. They instead attempt to fulfill the Golden Rule by doing for others what they assume the other wants done.

Maybe others are simply attempting to engage in a conversation about a subject that apparently interests me in order to get to know me better. Maybe they want to explore an unfamiliar topic or learn. Maybe they are generously trying to be helpful. In other words, my complaint that is the thesis of this blog is probably an over-reaction. My annoyance probably has less to do with the topic or the intent of the other than with my personal perspective regarding small talk in general. I am, at my core, a private person. I don’t appreciate others meddling in my affairs. I have seldom been accused of being friendly. But since I can’t expect the world to just shut the hell up and let me eat my food, I should do a better job of accommodating it. Why not just answer the questions in an honest and friendly manner?

“No.”
“I’m a vegetarian, and it is made with chicken.”
“13 years.”
“That is precisely why I eat seafood on rare occasions.”
“Of couse.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not vegan, but I agree mass market cow milking practices should not be supported. I became a vegetarian because I don’t like the idea of killing, but have stayed one because of the horrible conditions under which many animals destined to become food are raised. Life consists of choosing your battles.”
“High-quality sushi is my favorite food. I used to eat it about twice a year, but less now as it is rare in Iowa. That’s a pun, by the way.”
“Not really. I eat a variety of different dishes from all over the world. I enjoy discovering foods and learning how to cook.”
“Yes.”
“My rule of thumb is to not support anything being done that I’d be unwilling to do myself, but I do appreciate those who are willing to do things that must be done.”

I immediately worry about the adequacy of these answers, but that is a problem I run into while answering virtually any question. Some of these answers would likely act as quality conversation starters. In the end, this entire essay acts as an example of how we often look upon others with scorn for what is, in the end, our own egocentric short-comings and hang-ups that we loathe taking responsibility for.