Arguing

I love to debate; I can’t stand arguing. Debate is when people attempt to reach a common point of view. Arguing is when people antagonize each other in a general attempt to out-humiliate each other. This is most effectively done by needling them in areas where they harbor fears, insecurities or dogmatic beliefs and are therefore especially sensitive. The main motivation is a futile attempt at protecting one’s own sensitivities and an excuse to express suppressed hostility, guilt and resentment. Even if it’s not intentional, a debate can quickly become an argument if someone feels an area of sensitivity is under attack.

We all have fears, insecurities and dogmatic beliefs. We also all have suppressed hostility, guilt and resentment. I generally disagree with the common psychological ideology that we need to try to completely cure ourselves of these facts by conjecturing what their origins might be or whatnot. Thinking of our areas of sensitivity and suppression as being things we can or should completely rid ourselves of encourages us to try to be in denial about ourselves. It is more beneficial to admit and accept areas where we are sensitive and suppressive and confront the things we do not like about ourselves head on.

People can change themselves if they genuinely want to. People can’t change others however, and people generally will not change simply to appease another, especially if they do not truly sympathize with the other’s reasoning for the change. To change an area of sensitivity requires a dedicated adoption of an alternative point of view, even if that entails admitting, “I don’t know,” “I don’t care” or “I can’t.” Areas of suppression demand to be expressed, and this is most successfully done (note my dogmatism, and if you know me, my resentment) by creating art and, to a slightly lesser degree, engaging in sport. Entertainment can also briefly distract us from our sensitivities and suppression, but the longer suppressed issues are put off, the more volatile they become.

The most effective way to deal with our own fears, insecurities and dogmatism is to recognize when one or more of our buttons have been pushed and have the lucidity, confidence and self-control to admit and constructively laugh at our self-perceived weaknesses or so-called knowledge instead of attacking another in an attempt to defend them or parlay the blame for them. The easiest way of dealing with our suppressed hostility, guilt and resentment is to either de-prioritize them or express them artistically or athletically. If lieu of those options, the next best thing is often to apologetically get them out in the open by being blunt. Once each other’s concrete priorities and uncompromising areas have been delineated and there are no more changes that either party is willing to make, we must continue on with our lives, either accepting each other’s faults or moving on from that relationship.

It is interesting that many of us seem to have as hard or harder a time accepting other’s perceived shortcomings as we do our own. That is probably why so many of us go to such lengths to try to convince others we don’t have any, but it’s also much easier to see where others are sensitive more acutely than we are able to determine regarding ourselves, and vice versa. This is in part because we are unable to watch our own behaviors or view ourselves from a less subjective distance. Everybody’s “hot button” issues are different, so it doesn’t work to treat another as if they have or should have the same issues as you.

It can be constructive to listen to the criticisms of others and accept them without construing them as an attack on our entire being. It can also be helpful to take other’s opinions with a grain of salt, realizing others tend to project their sensitivities and suppressions onto us. There are few more useful skills than having the ability to turn a potential argument into a reason to laugh. Life becomes much less stressful when you choose not to take the opinions of others or yourself too seriously or too lightly. The difficulty lies in finding that balance.