Camping Journal IV

(Key-Sea House July 5-7, 2009)

If you set it down for a minute I’m gonna burn that fucker.
Is that for all the brilliant things we say?
Brilliant’s a stretch.

I was using the binoculars to look at Sandy and Jeremy mostly.
Sandy’s ass?
It’s fine.
You wouldn’t really need binoculars though.

This isn’t gonna be a survival story.

Hey Sandy- what did you say that was funny five minutes ago?

Hope you like Yachats!

I have a long way to go before getting back at you for the big ass comment earlier.

I can’t believe I missed that ONE opportunity of hearing Andrew being an asshole.
It’s like Haley’s comet.

It’s somewhere between a cloud and rain.

Jake has a jump rope.
I’ve never seen his jump rope.

WOW. Things are getting nutty.

So... it turns out your mom does like me.

In only 3 more hours Ann and Carl will be here.
Just don’t think about it.

I like your hood.
Jeremy made a funny.
It’s so soft- have you guys touched it?

What’s up Jer-Bear?
That’s what my mom calls him!
Yeah, but I like it better when she says it.

I brought a slingshot- I want to see how far I can shoot a rock into the water.

Mosquitoes have some weird genitalia.

I’m unna shut up now.
Whatever.

No one’s looking except our wives.
We’re not going to be looking; we’re going to be busy.

I like you.
I like Sandy.
I like me.

Is that why you club baby seals?
Because they’re there. And dirty.

Marshalltown is like the unwashed sprouts of Iowa.

Don’t fuck with Leo.

Don’t accidentally shove your head in the fireplace.

Just use rubbing alcohol.
Just rub it and drink alcohol.

Carl the humping ghost.
Carl the extra-friendly ghost.

It’s a drippy cheater.
It’s a blabbermouth cheater.
Just give it a good yank.

She’s reference use only, Carl.
You have to leave her in the library.

ARE YOU PUTTING A BLANKET ON YOURSELF?!?!?!

I need to deliver some tea.

She went out to find “service.”
Because apparently I’m not doing my job.
What’s your job?
Oh that- I’m still waking up.

What lame thing are you going to write now?

There were these cheerleader mermaids with cheese pizza and beer offering handjobs.

Coffee and Jenga- the perfect storm.

Think outside the pepper.

That’s how Jesus plays Jenga.
Or yoda.

There’s a lot of love going on here this morning.
It’s making me sick.
I love Jer-Bear.
Jer-Bear’s Hair Care.

Carl, I’m going to shove this so far up your ass….
Yes! Sandy does want to do me!

Please refrain from shitting in the toaster.

I have flaccidity function.

It’s like a flamingo threw up in there.

Brokeback Devil’s Backbone

He left the house with nothing but assless chaps.
Are you sure he’s going fishing?
Stink bait.

Tell them about the time I raped you in the bedroom just now.

That’s Carl’s make-shift masturbatorium.
He’s playing solitaire.

There’s nothing funny about the truth.

Okay, are you ready for my vagina now?

I’ve got dominoes in my pants.

I’m sorry about your structure, Jeremy.

Bring me my lemming.

I don’t know; I’ve got a pain in my ass and I don’t know what it is.

I stepped in horse shit- what’s your excuse?

THE KEY-SEA HOUSE IS FOR LOVERS

Hard like me for your mom.

Jesus Christ Choir Boys

Iceburgs suck. Period.

Hey Ann wanna make a Sandywich?

It sucks like it blows- it is not a lolly hobby.

I’ll stick you with me.

I thoroughly enjoyed the time we had together- mostly when we were humping.

Okay see you next y….

What’s that? Oh, I thought I felt something.

You don’t have to try.

You got your lettuce, you got your hot shit.

Projectile shitting out of my head.

Who wants to play the part of the baby seal?
If it involves duct tape, bungee cord and carabiners I can do it.