Reciprocal Compliments

She kind of caught me off-guard when she immediately exclaimed, “You look really nice today,” when we met up for lunch. In the past I’ve been notoriously weirded-out by compliments, but I’m getting over that. Sometimes compliments are sincere even if I find them incorrect or contrived. But because I was aware of what she was going through, my thoughts turned immediately to her.

It should be noted that this girl is as cute as a baby panda. I could have done the obvious and reciprocated her compliment. This is the culturally encouraged thing to do. But I’m not the type who’s motivated by social norms.

Reciprocating compliments can be a convenient way to relegate both statements meaningless. Not only do you distract the focus from the original compliment, you allow the train of thought, “Is he saying that because I said it? Did he think I was just saying it to be polite?” Et cetera. These questions come to mind because we play these games all the time. Perhaps none is worse than someone saying, “I love you,” just to see if you’ll reply in kind. What kind of fucked up manipulation is that? Do you love me or are you just insecure? I learned a few years back the best response to, “I love you,” is, “Thanks!” Then you can say you love them so they’ll know that you mean it and without them having any obligation to absent-mindedly echo you. (Besides, to admit you love them is letting them know how easy it is for them to fuck with your life, although it’s useless to leave them in the dark about it for long because they’ll just start testing to find out it they can.)

I prefer not to be around perpetually insecure people, mostly because I like shooting my mouth, and when I’m around someone who’s going to be easily offended I get really self-conscious and clam up quick. I do understand, however, that we all have vulnerable moments and know that there are times when all we need is support. (In my old age I’m learning the last thing a person being insecure wants is advice.) I want to give solace and encouragement when it’s needed, and sometimes will oblige when others fish for compliments that they need to hear without having to ask.

Back to the catalyst for this train of thought: this girl was about to embark on a journey into a whole new life in a whole other country where she was definitely justified in feeling stressed. Did she need for me to tell her she was looking good? No, it didn’t seem to be an area where her insecurity would manifest. On the contrary, she is surely the type who’s sick of guys telling her how pretty she is all the time.

Hell, maybe I was just looking nice that day. I had shaved the night before, after all. I said, “Thank you,” paused awkwardly for a moment, made a joke about work being good for my complexion and then we ate lunch.