Spin-off

I just started ANOTHER blog. In stark contrast to this one, the other will be singularly focused on one topic. The posts will be short tasting notes on single malt scotch whiskies. I've already been writing them anyway; I figure I might as well demonstrate my ignorance to all. I'll figure out how to easily link it from this blog soon, but the address is http://amateurwhiskytastingnotes.blogspot.com.

Cartoons

A couple of doodles I made today (while waiting for a UPS truck):






The car squeeling to not crash is usually me....

Happiness

“‘Are you happy?’ ‘Am I happy? Well, I don’t know- as happy as the next man I guess. I don’t laugh all day long like an idiot if that’s what you mean.’”

People that might not know me very well may get the impression that I am a miserable person. On the contrary, I am generally happy and satisfied with my life. I have the greatest friends in the world and a very supportive family.

I enjoy being contrary, snarky, perverted, aware, honest, opinionated, snobby, inappropriate, rude, cynical and bitter. Fortunately, I also like spending a lot of time alone. I like lying in bed watching samurai movies. I love quotations. I love that baseball games are often three hours long. I have a cute little house and really nice kitchen knives with no roommates to ruin them. I love going out for Thai or Indian food a couple times a month. I enjoy backsliding on my vegetarianism and getting sushi every so often. I like not owning a bunch of clutter. I have a decent job that I enjoy most days. I love drinking and playing board games with friends. I think cleaning up cat puke five minutes after I get out of the shower is awesome (no, that’s not true; that’s just what I’m doing right now).

If women (or their boyfriends) didn’t keep dicking me around, I would be ecstatic. If I had about $1,000 to fix up my truck, that’d be awesome. If I had a few hundred thousand to start my own business, that’d be perfect.

If I were like the masses, then I’d be miserable. I hate religion, nationalism and greed. I abhor the idea of marriage. I can barely stand children and find human proliferation appalling. I don’t like bullies, republicans, racists and homophobes. I don’t like people who brag about how philanthropic they are. I can’t stand whiny, lazy people. I don’t like exercise, yoga, saunas or bubble baths. I don’t want to try to be positive or optimistic all the time. I don’t want to improve my well-being. I can’t stand liars or delusional people. I also can’t stand people who can’t make up their own minds or those who believe whatever the hell somebody told them. “And I hate the fucking Eagles.”

Bottom line: I’m having a good day; so leave me the fuck alone.

Exodus

During the Jewish exodus myth, just after running from the Edomites (resulting in a detour that causes the people to grumble so much that God sends venomous snakes to punish them but tells Moses to erect a bronze snake idol that saves them from dying from the poison, breaking his own fourth commandment), but just before defeating the Amorites and fornicating with the Moabites while their god surprisingly betrays his own people by having Balaam tell all his plans to the Moabite king Balak, Aaron dies (again, actually; he had already died once according to Deuteronomy 10, cross-reference Numbers 33)). Why does Aaron die? Death before overthrowing the Canaanites and taking possession of their land by committing mass genocide on the many nations inhabiting the land of Canaan was God’s punishment to both Moses and Aaron because God asked Moses to speak to a rock to draw water from it and he hit it twice with a staff instead, which incidentally proved equally effective (Numbers 20). It does not actually state nor is it at all apparent what Aaron did wrong. God simply declares they both rebelled against his command, and that’s all he needs to do, really, being a supreme being and all.

This seems an odd offense for receiving the death penalty. Then again, God is a real reactionary with a twisted sense of justice. After all, the last thing God has Moses do is wipe out every last Midianite man, woman and child (the very people who had hid Moses from the Egyptians for forty years after he murdered one of them) except the 32,000 virgin girls, which they were allowed to keep as sex slaves (Numbers 31). This was an act of revenge because the Israelites were going out and having sex with the women of and worshipping the god Baal of the Moabites (a completely different nation, although they were in league) and because an Israelite named Zimri took a Midianite girl named Cozbi into his tent (Numbers 25). I have no idea how any of that would have been the entire Midianite nation’s fault; after all, Aaron’s grandson had immediately stabbed the actual perpetrators both through with a spear, presumably while they were “having relations.” In apparent fairness, 24,000 Israelites were also killed by a plague because of these incidents.

But beyond that, it is easy to understand how Moses could have been confused by God’s command. Early in their journey (Exodus 17), God had asked Moses to strike another rock with a staff to draw water from it under very similar circumstances. After all, the first rock was in the Desert of Sin and the second in the Desert of Zin. Both occasions were a result of the people quarreling because they were dying of thirst. And God did command Moses to take the staff with him the second time. Moses was so confused, in fact, that he named both places Meribah! (Besides being forty years give or take a month or two apart, these could not have been the same incident because the first happened at Rephidim and the second at Kadesh (cross-reference Numbers 33).) In essence, God virtually tricked Moses into disobeying him and then blamed both he and his brother. To his credit, he resurrected Aaron once without even taking credit for it and let Moses, three years Aaron's junior, live to be 120 in perfect health (Deuteronomy 34:7). That was generous.

This is all a bit tedious and my point is perhaps a little vague, so let me spell it out for you. Anyone who smugly notes that the god of Judaism and Christianity is consistent, loving, just and kind can cram those lies down their throats and choke on them. It is so easy to find contradictions all over the Bible that it is mind-boggling that many claim there aren't any. THIS is what every honest sermon would look like.

Homelessness

I have a real affinity for homeless people. I loved the homeless all around in San Francisco, and find myself missing them here. It irks me when others refer to the “homeless problem.” What’s the problem? As far as I’m concerned the far bigger problems in this society include capitalism, greed, property ownership and snobbery.

People with money can kiss my ass. Capitalism is based on the realization that you can make money by convincing others to do your job for less than what it’s worth. There are few ways to become rich other than by sheer luck, scamming others or inheritance. Don’t even try to tell me you work hard for your money. You want to experience hard work? Try being poor and homeless. Don’t tell me you’ve “earned” the position you’re in now. Please; the vast majority of the world’s population toils to their deaths and never earn anything. Most Americans spend more money than they have just to convince others they’re not poor anyway. Your home, your car, your huge ass television and your fancy clothes are probably all loaned to you on credit.

I myself have been a phone call from my parents away from the threat of homelessness at least twice. I wouldn’t want to be homeless because I’d fear being harassed or beaten by the police and other thugs.

Why are the homeless treated as criminals and not victims? Why shouldn’t free toilets and showers be provided for them? Why don’t people give their used clothes to the homeless instead of Goodwill? I will admit; I was shocked to find myself having a hard time getting rid of an uneaten and still hot cup of soup I had accidentally ordered across the street from People’s Park in Berkeley, because nobody wanted it. How the hell could you be homeless and not want soup?

There are those who begrudge that many homeless are drug addicts and say they don’t give them money for fear they’ll spend it on drugs. I hate drugs, but not drug users. This is another case of treating victims as criminals as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if the homeless spend their money on drugs, just as I don’t think it’s anybody’s business what I spend my money on (unless they’re loaning it to me).

I knew of a musician who consciously decided to break up with her boyfriend, sell everything she owned except her van and become a full-time drug addict. She eventually lost the van, too. This is an extreme example of irresponsibility, but hey, whatever happened to the American dream of following your bliss? I do not believe this is how most people become homeless, although others would disagree. I found this story appalling when I heard it, then considered that it wasn’t as annoying as all the musicians I was working with whose concern was whether or not their album would sell and not at all whether the music on them was any good.

Thank Ronald Reagan for the fact that many homeless have mental health issues and no access to treatment.

When I moved to the Bay Area, someone shared a tip regarding giving to the homeless that I still follow. Pick out one person (or two or six people if you’re better off than I) whose paths you cross regularly and sort of adopt them by giving to them more or less exclusively. This keeps the conscious clear while turning down money requests from others. Another benefit of this strategy is that the person becomes a person. You’ll find yourself missing them when you have your dollar ready to give and they’re not there. They’ll probably start wanting to have conversations with you (or is it that you'll want to start having conversations with them?). If you don’t have time to listen that day, you can honestly say, “I have to go now, but next time I’m by I hope to have more time to chat.” I also almost inevitably give money to street musicians because I used to be one. My current guy is super nice and hangs around the liquor store in St. John’s. He always says he's not going to use it for booze because he doesn’t drink, to which I respond, “I don’t care; that’s what I’m spending my money on.”

High School

To be honest, the worst thing about high school was simply that I was a computer nerd/band geek. I didn’t want to be the short, scrawny, zit-faced, naïve little kid that I was. I didn’t want to be one of the popular kids either. I wanted to be Matt L.

Matt was a bad ass rebel who didn’t give a fuck yet demanded everyone’s respect. Brenda, Heather D. and Adrianne, three of the five or so girls I had secret crushes on, hung on his every word. He had the foresight to understand what a waste of time high school was and wasn’t afraid to state it. This seemed especially brazen because his dad was a teacher at our school.

Matt called me Puke Boy (because I puked on Brenda in geometry class in eighth grade- good times!), but besides that he was usually pretty decent with me. Once he mocked me for wearing a vinyl jacket to school. Once he said of the Harley Davidson shirt I was wearing, “That shirt is too cool for you.” He made good points.

Dave and Clay were my best friends in high school. Dave was a computer nerd and Clay was a band geek. They were both awesome guys, but their nerdiness reflected my own, and I found that unsettling. I was proud back then, too.

I doubt Matt even graduated from high school. I hope for his sake that he made it out of Alleman, Iowa.

Liquor, Liqueur

I have spent the past several months fine-tuning my liquor cabinet. My goal has been to find the most adaptable liquors and liqueurs for making the tastiest cocktails. My research is far from complete, but here is what I have found so far:

Oh wait, before I get to that:

You only need a few things to mix cocktails with. Obviously, you need a shaker. The Boston shaker, which is simply a glass or pyrex (that’s what I use) glass shoved into a stainless steel glass, is deceptively easy to use. But you should probably also have a small proper three-part shaker so you can make drinks for yourself without over-exertion; get one where the strainer section connects inside the cup and not outside- the latter tends to leak (at least the one I had did). You’ll need a spoon to stir drinks with, a Hawthorne strainer to strain stirred drinks, a zester, a knife and a juicer (something simple; I don’t get those electric things). You have to be able to measure the following: a teaspoon (1/8 oz), ½ oz, ¾ oz, 1 oz (called a pony) and 1.5 oz (called a jigger). I guess if you want to measure a dash that’s the other measurement used. The only other thing you need is cracked ice, which is what is used for shaken or stirred cocktails. Cracked ice is 1/3 a normal ice cube, and I make it by putting ice cubes into a plastic bag and smashing it with a meat tenderizer. I had a plastic gadget I bought at a garage sale with a hand crank and blades that cracked ice really good for about two weeks until it broke.

If anything calls for a twist, that means a squeeze of the essence from the rind. You can just cut a section of rind, hold it above the drink and squeeze it in half, causing it to spray into the drink. If the drink doesn't call specifically for the rind or zest to be inserted, throw it out after squeezing it into the drink.

Okay on with it!

Hennessy Very Special Cognac is what I am using for any brandy or cognac. (Cognac is brandy made in the Cognac region of France.) I have found other brandies too sweet for my tastes. Don’t get me wrong, Hennessy is sweet also- too sweet for me on its own- but I have a very thin sweetness threshold. (Somehow, I have a spicy tooth.)

I’m using Cointreau for anything that calls for triple sec or curacao (I have found no definitive evidence that there is any difference whatsoever between triple sec and curacao). Cointreau is the real deal; I don’t know how else to put it. Too bad it’s $40/fifth.

If anything calls for bourbon or rye whiskey, I use Sazerac Rye. It has a very distinct “rye” flavor that feels right to me (although I recently had a Scotch that tasted like barley (Tamnavulin 12 year) and it seemed very wrong somehow). Again, bourbon has become too sweet for me, tasting like corn syrup, but as a mixer (but not straight), Maker’s Mark is an ideal bourbon choice. If you’re looking for “well” bourbon I’d recommend Weller’s Reserve or Dickel Tennessee Whiskey.

I’m not a tequila expert at all, but after sampling many that I flat out didn’t like, I stumbled across 1800 Reposado, a nice, peppery tequila (with a horrible “cork”), that I now buy exclusively. Patron is also good but really expensive and I’ve never actually bought a bottle. Maybe someday I will explore tequila further…..

I'm not a fan of Famous Grouse blended scotch whisky, but I’ve been getting rid of it by using it in any cocktail that calls for scotch, and it works superb in that context.

Gin; now gin is one I haven’t been able to narrow down. And I haven’t even had a sloe gin, Old Tom gin or Genever (Dutch) gin yet! I’ve had a ton of London Dry gins, and my favorite is Boodles, although nothing beats Tanqueray in a gin and tonic. My favorite, favorite gin is Plymouth, and some cocktails, like the Pink Gin, are impossible to make without it. Whenever I run across one of those irritating “I don’t like gin” people, I convert them using the ultra-smooth and gently sweet Aviation gin, which is made right here in Portland, OR.

I doubt I’ll ever understand the point of Vodka, although I have a bottle of Stoli I use to make Vespers.

I also don’t get rum; unsurprising since it’s made from sugar cane. I even knew a bartender who specialized in rum-based drinks and drank many of his concoctions, but was never impressed. Too sweet!

Don’t let anybody tell you pastis is an absinthe substitute. That’s like saying urine is a water substitute. That said; I have a few bottles of crappy absinthe I use as mixers, and I would never use my good absinthe (namely Jade’s 1901) as a mixer. Only use a tiny bit of absinthe in a cocktail or it will overpower the drink. In the best drinks using absinthe, you simply swirl a dash of it to coat the inside of the glass and pour out the excess (I admit; I pour it into my mouth).

I’m using Laird’s Applejack for anything that calls for apple brandy. It’s cheap ($18/fifth) and gross on its own (unless unlike me you like apple juice), but works as a mixer. I hope to buy a proper calvados soon, but they are in the $40/fifth price range.

I’m using Cherry Heering for anything asking for cherry brandy or maraschino liqueur, but plan to get a real maraschino liqueur, Luxardo, next week.

Green chartreuse, while very expensive, is an awesome herbal liqueur! Benedictine is another herbal liqueur essential for many cocktails, but it is quickly overpowering and tastes like cough syrup. If a recipe calls for ¾ oz. of it, use ¼ oz. (2 tsp) instead. You’ve been warned.

I think the only sweet (aka rosso or Italian) vermouth I’ve had is Martini & Rossi. It is not very good. I plan on trying punt e mes soon. I have tried several dry (aka French) vermouths, however, and the driest and most interesting I’ve had is Noilly Pratt. Martini & Rossi’s dry vermouth is very sweet by comparison and not good. Lejon is disgusting; don’t buy it! Vermouths last awhile, so there's no reason to buy a cheap one. You'll just be stuck with something gross, and believe, like most people, that you don't like vermouth.

Whatever you do, do not buy Rose’s grenadine. It is not grenadine at all, but dyed corn syrup. Real pomegranate grenadine is easily found these days.

Angostura, Peychaud’s and orange bitters are a necessity in every liquor cabinet.

One discovery I have fallen in love with is Lillet Blanc. It contains quinine and is similar to white wine. It is the sister to red Dubonnet, but I haven’t decided if I like that yet. It's essentially another sweet vermouth.

Fresh-squeezed is the only way to go. I don’t even like orange juice, but fresh squeezed oranges are awesome. Don’t even joke about using sour mix; squeeze a lemon or lime! All those pre-mix things you see at stores are crappy gimmicks.

Ginger beer is interesting. I wish I could find more brands to taste test. There has to be one out there that isn’t sweet. I know, I harp on things being sweet, but if I want them sweeter, I can add sugar. However, I can’t remove it! As a mixologist, I like having options under my control. Isn’t that the point?

I’m hoping to learn to make my own tonic and soda water soon. The commercially-available shit is bogus.

Rain Song #1

It gets cold outside
When you're out under the rain
You can feel the teardrops fall
As they land in your palm
And each one has a claim

When it's cold, it's dark
But still we cover our eyes
Sometimes we must see right through them
Right through the rain
And put the stars in the sky

What do you mean I can't get out of the rain?

There must be someplace we can go
So pack your bags for happiness
Maybe we'll escape the storm
I don't want to be alone in this lonely land
Just want to get out to feel
What it's like outside my head
Instead of trapped inside its wheel

I've got a picture I keep inside my head
A thousand colored pics I'm gonna frame
But when the rain pours down inside my mind
It takes it all away

What do you mean I can't get out of the rain?

-Damon McLaughlin

Delusion

I know enough about drumming that I can highlight the flaws of every drummer (Buddy Rich lacked subtlety; Max Roach lacked chops…). Furthermore, since I no longer play drums, I can declare once and for all that I am the greatest drummer of all time. It’s too bad that my best performances weren’t recorded so that one day, more discriminating and advanced cultures can discover my under-appreciated and under-recognized genius. I can only reminisce at my former greatness and cringe at the pathetic excuses for drummers I hear today. I tried to teach, but frankly it was beneath me. Like any good teacher, I sought to motivate my students with the fear that they really weren’t worth my time, which was true. It’s a shame, really, that I will never be able to appreciate music with drumming again, as I am constantly distracted by the burden of having the ability to do a better job than whomever the drummer is. But alas, since I see no point in actually picking up my drumsticks ever again, I guess I will just have to grudgingly settle for the plebiance of everybody else.

Yo-Yo

I can't imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of who's going to be impressed.

-Calvin (Bill Watterson)

The North Ship, Stanza XXIV

Love, we must part now: do not let it be
Calamitous and bitter. In the past
There has been too much moonlight and self-pity:
Let us have done with it: for now at last
Never has sun more boldly paced the sky,
Never were hearts more eager to be free,
To kick down worlds, lash forests; you and I
No longer hold them; we are husks, that see
The grain going forward to a different use.

There is regret. Always, there is regret.
But it is better that our lives unloose,
As two tall ships, wind-mastered, wet with light,
Break from an estuary with their courses set,
And waving part, and waving drop from sight.

-Philip Larkin