Alcohol

Sobriety is for those who insist upon seriousness. I’ve learned not to trust sober people because they tend to take themselves, their existence and my existence way too austerely. Alcohol, like any chemical, affects everyone differently, but for many it is a fun and easy way to relax. There are those unfortunate few for whom alcohol has the opposite effect, heightening their seriousness and usually making them ornery and belligerent. These are the people who should remain sober. I don’t have any advice for helping these people deal with their grave existence except to perhaps try anti-depressants instead.

I spent many years sober, and people, especially those who haven’t seen me in awhile, still call me out on it. The best analogy I can give is by comparing my life to the familiar commands of “you can’t play until your chores are done” or “you have to finish your dinner before you can have dessert.” I spent many years delving into the mysteries of life and educating myself through literature, philosophy and music. But now that I have all the answers, I can fuck around. (Sometimes I feel nobody gets my sense of humor.) Life gives ample opportunity for enjoyment, and what’s the point if not just that? Seriousness has its place, but life is too important to always be taken seriously.

Alcohol is addictive for some, but not all, and most who drink are not alcoholics. Alcoholism is a genetic disease, and alcoholics are compelled to drink for no reason whatsoever, and have trouble stopping once they start. Unlike some other drugs, how alcohol affects your system changes drastically as the quantity changes. Roughly, I perceive the stages of alcohol effect as: 1) Pleasant oral sensation. 2) Cotton balls in your temples. 3) Light body tingling/sense of calm. 4) Clumsiness/Difficulty concentrating. 5) Intense body tingling/Euphoria. 6) Fuck it; more booze! 7) Anarchy (I refer to this as the stage where you still remember what you did but it’s often prudent to pretend you forget.) 8) Spotty memory/No concentration/Disconnect from first person reality. 9) Nausea/Memory loss. 10) Unconsciousness. 11) Death.

I wouldn’t know how to correlate these stages with the amount of alcohol you’ve ingested in an hour or whatever they tell you in school, because if you can keep track of that I can tell you that you’re in stage 3 or less and save you the trouble. The best method I’ve devised for determining how much you’ve drank in any given night is by seeing how much less booze/money you have when you wake up in the morning than what you had when you started drinking the day before.

It is prudent to drink alcohol slowly and pay close attention to how it is affecting you so that you can avoid becoming miserable. Some like being “wasted,” but I don’t like completely losing touch with myself and my surroundings. For me, recognizing when I’m at stage 6 and not indulging it is key. An interesting thing about stage 6 is that because it is so subtle, you are compelled to believe alcohol isn’t having an effect on you anymore, and then all of a sudden you find yourself in stage 7. Although I’ll admit stage 7 can be pretty fun, I’ve never been able to discern the line between stage 7 and stage 8, but once you hit stage 8 you know it, and it is extremely foolish to continue drinking once you’re there.

In order to create a point of contrast, especially for teetotalers, here’s how I perceive the stages of caffeine ingestion: 1) Warm and yummy. 2) Awake. 3) Jittery. 4) Uncontrollable twitchiness/Inability to concentrate. 5) Queasiness.

Two things which will affect how quickly alcohol is affecting your system is the amount of activity you are engaged in and how hydrated you are. Increased activity will cause alcohol to flow through your system faster and have more of an effect. Especially since a major effect of alcohol is lack of motor control anyway, I prefer to avoid engaging in activity while drinking. Alcohol dehydrates you, and if you are dehydrated you will probably have a headache in the morning. Also, alcohol will affect your system much faster if you are dehydrated. Alcohol is a very poor beverage choice when you are thirsty, but I see people do this all thee time. Personally, I always have water nearby and drink it copiously whenever having more than one alcoholic drink.

I am a seeker of quality, which seems to separate me from most Americans. I’m someone who prefers to stay in and experience each moment to its fullest. Drinking to get drunk is like fucking to have children for me; why would anybody want to do that? (Poor analogy I know, but the sentiment is genuine and besides, I think it’s extremely funny and use it all the time despite the fact that it never gets a laugh and usually gets an appalled stare, which of course for me makes it even funnier.) A major epiphany in my life came about 5 years ago, when I was served a $200 bottle of wine that was absolutely brilliant in flavor and effect. Up until that point in my life, I had only had shit beer and shit wine (besides Guinness, that’s virtually all you can get in Iowa) and had spent a lot of time wondering why so many people drink.

I have since discovered that I usually prefer distilled alcohol to fermented alcohol. With distilled liquor, quality becomes extremely important, as the distillation process can produce noxious aldehydes, aka poisons. I’m no chemist, but basically shit distilled liquor will tend to make you sick, and it’s not because of the alcohol in it. Most people I run into have some superstition that, “whiskey/tequila/gin/vodka/etc. makes me violently ill.” I don’t buy it; cheap, poorly distilled alcohol (eg Jack Daniel’s, Jose Cuervo, etc.) makes you sick. Also, drinking higher proof alcohol at the same rate as you’d drink a beer will seriously kick your ass, and if you do that, blame yourself and not the drink. One of the things I like about higher proof alcohol is you’re forced to drink it slow and savor it. Sip it and enjoy it- don’t slam shots, you fucking juvenile. (There is nothing more maddening than having someone try a quality spirit and watching helplessly as they throw it down their throat. If you do it once, I’ll scold you and give you a second chance; if you do it twice, I won’t offer you liquor again.)

While I’m on a tangent, I’m just going to reiterate that vodka is the stupidest distilled liquor I’ve ever had. It is flavorless, so what’s the fucking point? Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard there’s some really expensive vodka that’s good, but why waste money on vodka when you can waste money on Scotch or absinthe or gin? Gin can be brilliant at a moderate cost, and I always substitute it for anything that calls for vodka.